I’m not sure whether to explore an autism assessment any further. I’ve done loads of research online and I relate to most of it!
I am not sure how being diagnosed would help but then a part of me just wants to know so I don’t feel so different/ have a better understanding of why I am the way that I am.
I am not socially awkward. I was labelled a chatterbox at school and would trip over words to get them all out! So I don’t think I fit the mould perfectly but what I do relate to is the feeling of being overwhelmed/ overstimulated. I can be a total social butterfly for 4 hours and then I’m silent or I leave. I try very hard to stick around and be present. I appreciate its rude but it’s as if I hit a wall and I can’t do it any more. It’s become an inside joke, and everyone accepts it’s just the way I am. People often refer to my ways as “quirks”.
Nobody has ever mentioned autism and it never dawned on me either. The rise in discussions around autism along with a close family member being diagnosed made me sit and wonder. I often see glimpses in my dad who could tell you exactly what make/ model of car made the noise two streets away without seeing the car!
I had a lovely group of friends growing up, I’m still friends with them now. I can’t put my finger on why but I always felt different. I never understood the way they behaved and I think I copied what they did to fit in. Things like, going to the bathroom in groups. Why?! Never understood it and still don’t. Nightclubs, hate them, always have and probably always will. I love to dance but why do I need to be in a stuffy club with music blaring and crowds of strangers.
I would never say any of this out loud to friends because 1) I think they would think I’m odd and 2) I’ve always gone along with things, and I would worry they thought I had lied to them. I would often pretend to be ill or busy so I didn’t have to go on nights out. That sounds awful and I don’t enjoy lying. I feel very guilty about this.
I rehearse conversations and Google what to write in cards. This probably isn’t extraordinary but I have a professional job. It baffles me that I find my job so easy when it involves so much writing and being able to talk through and solve problems with people but when I need to write a card for a colleague and I draw a blank and have no idea what to say, and I need to Google it.
All of this to say, does this sound like autism? Am I falling into the trap of listening to too many videos online of personality traits which are simply that? Is this just my personality or is it worth exploring further?