Hi.
I am a mum of 3 (ages 7-13)
Husband, myself and oldest are diagnosed ADHD, parents late diagnosed in 40's, oldest diagnosed age 11, awaiting assessments for Autism for 2 oldest. Youngest is clearly ADHD. Expect we are all AuDHD.
When we first got together it was a few months after his Dad had passed. I think this is relevant.
I was living alone, was heavily masking constantly, cheerful, helpful, always giving giving giving - because that's how I was raised. You are only loved as long as you give everything of yourself according to what others expect. I was happy then I think because I had my own space to retreat to so I could rest and I did enjoy what I was doing. I also had some financial independence because I received some benefits as I have long term health conditions which have required multiple surgeries. This meant that when we first married I was able to take care of the home while he went to work.
Now been married 15years, and now have 3 kids. Pregnancy almost killed me, ongoing health issues, surgeries, constant hospital appointments, I am older etc mean my body is much weaker, I don't get chance to rest and I no longer remember not being in high cortisol survival burnout mode.
I have also not received any benefits for around 10 years now, and have been unable to hold down a job, so I don't earn and rely on him entirely for money. I have set up my own business, but cannot grow it as I would like because it has to fit in around everything else and often I have no capacity left to work on it.
For the last 10 years I have been saying I do not feel seen or appreciated.
For the last 5 years I have been asking and begging for couples therapy. He has outright refused because he doesn't see the need, and doesn't want 'a stranger involved in our private life'.
A year ago I told him I was done. That he had access to our home and children, but not to my body or my heart. It happened after yet another year of me planning, organising, making great things for his and kids birthdays, specifically saying to him I wanted him to do something with the kids for my birthday for once because I feel so invisible, and I don't want them to grow up thinking that Mum is just there as a maid to be used. And my birthday came and went with nothing.
My heart broke so much that day, again, like every birthday / Christmas etc. And I just cannot keep doing it.
He agreed to try therapy when he realised sex was no longer available. We managed 3 online 45minute sessions before he declared it a waste of time.
There was some brief progress with some self reflection on his part. He apologised for taking me for granted, explained that he didn't understand the mental load of being a full time Mother who has to hold the logistics for 5 peoples lives in her head all the time. He promised to step up and help take some of that load. He has not.
He also explained that he had always assumed that I was just being over dramatic, and it was my 'mental health issues' when I had broken down, cried and begged him to try and improve our relationship. Because we had inevitably had sex again at some point after that. To him, sex was / is the ultimate expression of saying 'I love you' and being close, so he assumed that if we had sex then it couldn't possibly be as I was describing.
For me, sex is something that feels nice, but is a chore at times, it isn't particularly an expression of love for me. So I felt that he was completely dismissive of my feelings, because whenever we had sex - anything I had brought up before was forgotten and ignored. So the cycle repeated.
However. 6 months on. No sex. No therapy. No improved communication. No change.
The only money I receive into my bank account now is child benefit, and DLA for 2 of the kids. I have no financial independence from my husband, I would be unable to leave as I have set up my own business but it is still only just turning over enough to pay it's own costs at the moment.
We had another argument recently about me 'wasting money' on something I wanted to do with the kids during the holidays, because we don't have the budget for it, while he has bought several new tools for his projects that cost far more. I realised that he see's his money as 'his'. He pays the mortgage and bills and I am supposed to cover the costs of groceries, anything to do with household chores, and anything to do with kids and schools from less than £1k a month. We have never had a joint bank account, I have never known how much money he has going in or out. I have often had to ask him for money to cover groceries, things the kids need etc and he would send it to me.
However. He swears he loves me. He swears he loves the kids. He swears he would do anything for us. He gets angry and defensive when I say I feel alone and unseen because he says he is working himself to the bone to provide for us and it seems like I resent his work.
He is not wrong on that. I don't know how many times I have said to him, I just want him to be present in his children's lives. I don't want him to drop everything, to work unpaid overtime, to spend all his energy on his work and have nothing left for his family. Note: His salary is enough that he does NOT have to do this.
But the attitude he has towards work is so different from towards his family, and that is what hurts so much. I think I would actually prefer if he had an affair partner. But the fact that his wife and kids will never be more important than his job and employers is devastating to me.
I know now that he will never change. He has promised for months to help me on a project for my work that could bring in a decent amount of money. (He has the skills for it and said to take the contract, I don't know how to do it yet) But has never got round to it - although he has thought of, planned, organised, and gone through with several of his own projects....
So now I may lose that contract, which would be bad for my business name.
He has promised for years to help more in the home, but even with a chore chart on the wall in constant view, and me saying specifically 'please complete these tasks this weekend' he 'forgets'. Which means I then have to take care of the backlog, and add it to my mountain of tasks - every time.
He promises to support me, but when I break down and say I am drowning, I feel like I cannot breathe from all the never ending demands on my time, mind and body. His response is almost always 'you are wrong, it is not like that, you need to go get therapy'.
So my conclusion is. He never loved me. I think he loved the idea of me that the masking presented, and whenever he see's the real me he rejects her and says 'go to therapy' - I assume in order to make me be that person again.
Also, I am beginning to think he doesn't actually want me to be successful in my work, and wants to keep me financially bound to him. Even subconsciously maybe, I don't think deliberately. But I now see a pattern of his behaviour sabotaging my mental health to the point where I have had to quit jobs etc.
How much of this is AuDHD?
Is there any hope of change?
How do I protect my peace while I cannot leave?
Anyone else in the same situation?
Thank you if you have read this far.