Autism feels like being an adult as a child and a child as an adult

[ofwarren]

I've just seen this posted on Reddit and I totally relate!

As a child I was "gifted" always ahead of my peers and didn't enjoy playing with them. I would much rather talk to adults about all sorts of topics.

As an adult I just don't relate to other adults at all. I was just reading a post on here about things that bring you comfort and I just feel so alien to all the other posters.
I enjoy pastimes which are seen as childish, my clothing is seen as childish and my body language too.

Anyone relate?

Yes, that’s how it feels for me. I was highly praised for my maturity as a child and how “grown up” I was. Now I feel like a kid, and come across quite “young”.

I definitely feel like a child in my mid to late 30s
never been able to have a relationship, struggle to look after my own self, never understand what anyone is telling me

I was never clever as a child either so I have just never really managed to grow up although I have to pretend sometimes and be brave and push me to do things. Definitely always struggling at work which is a shame I just want to be happy

luckily all bills go out on direct debits otherwise I would be financially in dire circumstances as well 🤦

Recently diagnosed adhd and suspected (by a professional) asd………

I feel this so strongly! I was always told as a kid that I needed to stop trying to be so grown up and enjoy my childhood but really struggled to find anything in common with other children my age and much preferred adult company, even down to the clothes I wanted to wear (dressed like a middle aged business woman at age 11) and now mid thirties get told so often that I don’t look/act/dress my age and still struggle to find a group/ friends my own age (or at all)

I always manage to play it off and feign flattery when really I’m just confused and it adds to that feeling of not belonging/ fitting in anywhere. Like I feel like I’m finally finding a sense of identity (self awareness, wearing the stuff I want rather than copying other people to fit in) but somehow people still perceive that as wrong…..is this some sort of social rule thing that I’m never going to understand?

Yes, definitely relate!

Yes, this makes perfect sense!

Yep, me too. A precocious "gifted" kid who got stuck at some point in their teens and never seemed to keep pace with people after that.

Oh yes. "An old soul", and "you've been here before" to me as a child, so that meant expectations well beyond my years such as I should just KNOW how to interact socially, figure people out, etc. the way I just knew how to swim and programme the video recorder (yes, I'm old). It also meant I was a sounding board for people's problems and absorbed them, especially Mum's.

Now as an adult with autism, ADHD and going through the menopause I feel like the frightened little girl I wasn't allowed to be. Yes, I may look and sound like an adult, but I'm really a vulnerable misfit child mimicking adult behaviours and almost passing as one, but at a catastrophic cost to my physical and mental health. I always feel like I'm teetering on the edge of an abyss and that I'm somehow going to be exposed. My emotional dysregulation is worse than ever now, and keeping it all in check is so exhausting.

So at the weekend I essentially live things from my childhood again. 80s music, experimenting with looks and even using things like My Little Ponies as a means of sensory seeking, etc.

I really relate to this, especially the living things from your childhood part. It seems a common phenomenon. I'd love to know the psychology behind it.

@ofwarren , probably why I'm studying psychology 😊

I think for me it's a case of deeming myself a failed adult. I've not met the milestones that someone of my age should have - career as opposed to lots of jobs/spells of unemployment, home ownership, etc. And probably never will. Plus I have to perform in so many ways that exhaust me for people I'd rather not have to deal with at all - in public, at work, etc. So my "silly time" is just for me. No adult responsibilities, nobody to perform for, plus controlled and comforting nostalgia. Sometimes it helps more than others, but I will never stop enjoying brushing My Little Pony hair 😊

Interesting point - I do sometimes wonder if I exist in a state of arrested development.

Like PPs, I was a 'gifted' and precocious child and while I'm not an unsuccessful adult at 43 now - I have several degrees, a good career, a house, a relationship yadda yadda - I also have quite 'childish' interests, the dress sense of a toddler and my emotional regulation is somewhat lacking.

I basically got to 17 and thought 'yeah, that'll do'.

100%. I was very advanced throughout childhood. My mum says I was praised for my manners and vocabulary when I was tiny, then in primary school I coasted through with no effort. I was probably hyperlexic too - I taught myself to read when I was 3 and devoured books. I remember feeling uncomfortable around my mum's friend's children so I hung around with the adults, being completely oblivious to how annoying I was being until directly told to go away.

Then secondary school arrived, I was bullied relentlessly, I failed to understand friend groups/social politics, I couldn't regulate my own time/executive function and I crashed out at 17.

I'm now 32 and feel like I've regressed. My dress sense, interests, hobbies, etc are all pretty childish. I also feel far more acutely disabled by my ASD and ADHD, though it feels nice to know there is a cause for my difficulties; I spent my teenage years and early 20s thinking I was just a terrible, useless person.

I very much relate to all of these posts. I’m not diagnosed, just suspecting. For years I put my problems down to attachment issues/complex trauma, not so sure that’s the whole story though. I was an elderly child, for sure. Found other kids’ interests and games weird and boring, read voraciously and had a comically advanced vocabulary (essentially, I must have come across like I’d escaped from a Victorian novel). From my teens onwards, it all went into reverse gear. I was horribly bullied all the way through school - think the other kids just saw through me. By the time I was in my thirties, I felt like a child - other people just seemed to ‘get’ social cues and rules that made no sense to me. It took from my forties and a lot of therapy to finally feel I had an adult identity. I do still feel ‘younger’ and dress it as well. I’m more comfortable with myself as well. Maybe I am just a very eccentric neurotypical but as I can’t stand unanswered questions (and I take a deep dive into anything that interests me) I would like to find out.

How many of us also relate to much of this article? www.modernintimacy.com/coping-with-emotional-incest-syndrome/ (AKA family enmeshment)

YY to so much of this, much of which I've only realised over the last few years and as the result of my ADHD and autism diagnoses 😨

I don't relate to that, for which I am very thankful, but I do send thoughts & wishes of strength and freedom to those who have experienced this, which sounds very traumatic

That never happened in my family. My father was very distant, still is in fact. I craved male attention due to this.
I'm sorry you had to go through that

Omg that's just how I've felt and didn't think anyone could relate. No diagnosis here as I'm only starting to explore this in middle-age!

I really relate to this too. As a child I was rarely interested in playing with other children. I was hideously bullied throughout school and always felt different. It's taken till this past year to begin to understand myself. I too am not yet diagnosed but am confident I have ADHD and ASD.
This past year I feel a real sense of unraveling. I've been diagnosed with cancer and at 32 im about to have a hysterectomy. Im childless and finding it almost impossible to process. I feel on edge of meltdown all the time. All my life I have felt like a failure and this is just another thing I have failed at.

@justgettingthroughtheday oh my dear, I have no words of wisdom but I want you to know you will be seen & heard here in this space, and you are worthy of respect, peace and kindness x

@justgettingthroughtheday wishing you well.

Does anyone else now wonder if one or both parents may have been autistic or otherwise neurodivergent? I am now looking back at my relationships with my parents through the lens of possible autistic traits and mum and dad definitely make far more sense viewed from that angle! The issue then became that I, as a very ‘different’ child didn’t seem as different at home and some of my struggles were not noticed. And of course, both parents struggled with adulthood themselves.

I can really relate to 'adult as a child/child as an adult'.

I was bullied as a child, didn't fit in with my peers, and got on far better with older people.

As an adult, I am child-like and remain in the past with my taste in music, clothes, body language, honesty/lack of filter.

I totally missed the part of life where you grow up, become financially aware, think about pensions, savings etc and with no one to give me guidance (my parents were abusive) I haven't managed this well. There are other areas of my life that I could have done much better too, but neurodivergence put paid to that, along with having a pair of abusive bastards for 'parents' I didn't stand much chance.

My Dad definitely is. He stims by biting his hand. He used to pretend it was a joke when we saw him do it.
He's never been interested in me or my life. He's never bought me a present or a card or ever said happy birthday or I love you. He was emotionally unavailable.
He does the same thing day in, day out.

@ofwarren My dad was pretty much non-verbal, couldn’t maintain eye contact and I experienced his behaviour towards me as very rejecting as a consequence. Realising he may have been autistic does help me somewhat though I think I have long known he didn’t know he’d had such an impact on me with how he was.

@Clarice99 I’m sorry you experienced both bullying and abuse from your parents; that’s a lonely place.

I so much relate to this. I feel anxious and scared so much of the time as an adult. As a child I wasn't 'fun' or interested in the other things that my peers liked. Now the whole adult world feels like too much!

I agree.

people thought me “older” as a child/teen. Now, aged 60, they (and I) feel less adult than I think I ought to feel. I’m not sure that makes sense but it’s how I feel.

It’s interesting, isn’t it @DollyDaydream55 ? I went through my 20s and 30s appearing (I now realise) strangely undeveloped for a young adult - because I guess I was more like a teenager from an emotional standpoint. From my 40s onwards that’s settled but I lack a lot of the attitudes of my same-age peers. I do finally feel I have some kind of handle on being an ‘adult’ (whatever that means) in my 50s, but an adult who is probably no more than late 30s. The glaring discrepancy between age and development isn’t so obvious now simply because both my states of being - biological and emotional ages - are adult states but I also don’t seem to have reached milestones others expect of an older adult either. In some ways it’s positive - I couldn’t care less what people think of my dress sense or my interests, and I still feel a lively curiosity about the world.