To be annoyed that no one has ever told me I look like an actual sea monster in real life?

[MaudBaileysGreenTurban]

I have just watched myself on a recorded Teams meeting.

Sweet fucking Jesus.

My face is basically a blancmange in a plastic bag with two googly Mr Potato Head eyes stuck on wonky. One is half-shut all the time.

When I talk, my mouth sort of does a collapsy thing.

Where is my chin? WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY CHIN?

I can't believe I've actually been walking around, conversing with people, looking like this. For years.

Why did no one tell me I looked like this????

I look like a bowling ball in a bad wig. And I repeat myself, so I tell the story one way, then tell it again, just in a different way, whilst flapping my hands.

I also sound as though I need to be sedated, just to make sense.

Send help.

Webcam beauty filter?
I'd be happy to look like the unfiltered version...
www.bbc.com/news/blogs-trending-49151042

The last meeting I did, my Auntie Susan strangely appeared instead of me...

Hilarious.

My face is fine. It is.

But I cannot work out when my eyes and nose and mouth shrunk so much that they now resemble little pissholes in the snow.

Or when my cheeks expanded so that my head is now moon-shaped.

Or when my hair stopped being flowing locks of gold and became greasy strings of spaghetti tied back in a lump.

Or when my tits got so big they my massive moon face looks like it is rising up between two mountains.

WHEN did all this happen and why did no fucker TELL me?

And my multiple chins - I've spend most meetings with my hand under my chin to try and hide this - I'm very aware of the fact it is just drawing attention to the middle aged jowliness that has become my face.
When my 20 years younger than me fresh faced colleagues appear on screen I could sob.

I forgot I had a meeting until a couple of minutes beforehand. Was still in my pyjamas and my hair was soaking wet. I stuck a post it note over the camera and pretended it wasn’t working. Which was inspired until it fluttered off 5 mins into the meeting. One of my colleagues did a massive fart 😂

Usually we use Skype, today we had to do zoom, from a distance I looked ok, but fuck me, when I had to present, I could see myself on the video, obviously, and it was really disconcerting, I kept thinking I looked really bad up close, and trying not to stare at my own image talking, whilst doing a presentation.

Wasn’t my finest hour...

What’s wrong with looking like a sea monster?

I'm only on page one of the thread but I'm in hysterics... and so relieved that I'm not the only one who's had my body invaded by an alien!!

Just be thankful that you weren't in your boxers with the camera angled at your crotch like one of my colleagues last week

Sweet Jesus!!

The tongue to the roof of the mouth to get rid of double chins trick actually works by the way and can give people a natural smile (while feeling like you're suffocating) - but only really works for stills photography. Am wondering whether I'm prepared to have messy hair so that I can use it to hide sticky tape hoisting my face up and back.

My top lip has all but disappeared so that I look like one of those upside down talking chins? My glasses have a blue tint and when the light hits them in a certain way, I look as if I’m wearing a pair of Elton John’s cast offs!

What a laugh. So glad I don't have to suffer this. I would be hysterical if I had to see my mug on screen. I always feel really sorry for anyone who has to look at me whilst having a conversation.

I am horrified at my appearance on facetime. I seem to inherit several chins, my stubby fat hands then come into view, its horrendous. Even my ears stick out. How sad is that.

This thread really gave me a laugh. I've been recorded at work for video lectures for about three years now and the first year, when you realise you look like a middle aged potato, is the worst. You care less and less over time.

Zoom/Teams is for the young and fresh, I put my laptop on a box as otherwise my chins threaten to overwhelm me. Lots of make-up/fake tan (a tip I already knew from the odd TV appearance). I have just found the 'improve appearance' filter, it makes your skin look airbrushed but doesn't really change the face structure sadly!

I also try to schedule most of my calls on a few days in the week so I only have to get up and put on the slap on on those days and can have some days off. I don't care if my MIL or friends or the odd student see me looking shit, but I don't want to appear like a gargoyle at staff meetings and the like.

I don’t know who this middle aged woman is and why she keep popping up in my video calls.

Thank you, just thank you. I have just had a much needed huge belly laugh.

I hate looking at myself on camera, its so awful and gives me a shock each time.

I did a Teams call with my line manager and felt really disconcerted as he spent most of the meeting peering intently over the top of his glasses at me.

Turns out he was trying to read a document on the screen.

I stuck a post it note over the camera and pretended it wasn’t working.

Rookie error.
My camera is disabled in the device manager or some such, and just in case it gets reset on after an update it's got a bulldog clip fastened over it.

Thank you so much 😊 this has made me laugh out loud while DH is trying to conduct a zoom meeting! He looks fine on screen, but my laptop is always up on two boxes so it looks like I’m a comedy Dickensian orphan staring pleadingly at my colleagues and hoping they won’t notice the unusual angle and untypical makeup necessary for a semblance of humanity on screen.

I look like my Dad in a wig
Because no hairdressers, I currently look just like my dad. Its terrifying.

@DaphneFanshaw - you beat me to it

I actually put my laptop on top of my upturned washing basket the other day to try to get the right angle. Still look like shit.

And this is why my webcam is taped up and I claim it's broken and I don't know how to fix it!

Years ago I once got really bored in a group video call and started trying to see if I could get a pen to stand up if I put it between my boobs. And then I remembered other people could see me....

I stress cut my fringe yesterday. I wouldn't have done if I'd known we were going to have Zoom calls today

Oh god thank you everyone! I'd always known I was rather blessed in the nasal department, but was astonished to find out it actually resembles a beak - and not just some dainty sparrow beak, think pelican . And my nostrils are cavernous. And at least 50% of my face is teeth. As soon as the dentists open I'm getting the first available hygienist appointment!

I FT-ed work and noticed for my last birthday appear to have received hamster cheeks and an additional chin.

I made the mistake of asking DS if mummy looks like she has wrinkles... to which he responded 'more than nana.'

Hopefully once quarantine is over I can pay a surgeon to transplant his youthful skin onto my own.