To be annoyed that no one has ever told me I look like an actual sea monster in real life?

[MaudBaileysGreenTurban]

I have just watched myself on a recorded Teams meeting.

Sweet fucking Jesus.

My face is basically a blancmange in a plastic bag with two googly Mr Potato Head eyes stuck on wonky. One is half-shut all the time.

When I talk, my mouth sort of does a collapsy thing.

Where is my chin? WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY CHIN?

I can't believe I've actually been walking around, conversing with people, looking like this. For years.

Why did no one tell me I looked like this????

The size of my nose. I reached for a tissue and I swear half the team ducked for cover.
Also where the fuck did the extra Chin come from- I don’t remember ordering that

I hate hearing my voice on recordings too, sounds totally different to how I think I sound!

I wore glasses for a Zoom meeting the other day (usually it's contact lenses).

I was just noticing that I looked exactly like Rosemary West onscreen, when one of my colleagues said 'wow, those glasses make you look exactly like Rose West, did you know?'

I do now...

I wore tv presenter style blusher and bronzer for my teams meeting today - I looked human! Though scared the children when I came off the call.

I find taking off my glasses in an enormous help. It gives me a nice blurry glow, like in the old movies. I assume others are used to my face, so they won't be so distracted by the wrinkles and droopy chin.

I can't tell you what my face looks like, because my actual hair colour is so upsetting I can't concentrate on my face.

I have been looking into HIFU facelifts since seeing myself repeatedly on zoom. Drastic action needed.

This will be your saviour (if you can bloody find any!)

Do I smear it over the camera, StCharlotte?

I am laughing hysterically at all of this. When did my neck go so incredibly wrinkly the little of it you can see. When did I start folding up and looking like my mother. I also have a weak chin and prominent nose. My face sort of falls away at the bottom. And I have a resting anxious face. When did I get so blotchy. Where is the rest of my neck. My head just sits on my boobs mostly when I sit down. So many questions. Thank you for this thread

i hate video calling i done it so i could speak to my niece and i look like a jelly

My northern roots are showing when I tell people that, on camera, that I have a face like

• a string bag full of suet
• a paper bag full of spanners
• a bulldog chewing a wasp (or a bulldog licking a pissed-on nettle)

I'm usually counting my chins or evaluating the cost effectiveness of a facelift (decision - not worth it)

All of which, of course, are indubitably true.

Op i just spat my drink out-not laughing at you btw

Any official photo of me looks like a police mugshot. On screen, I look as if I’m on trial and expecting to be found guilty.

I'm having fillers, botox, some kind of fat freezing under my chin, jaunty scarves seem to be all I can do for my neck and I'm going to try extreme shading, possibly with a marker pen.

DD2 showed me a photo yesterday and I said, 'Who's that in the background?' Me thinking: that's a fat middle aged man, who's he?

You guessed it - it was me and I didn't recognise myself! I am fat and middle aged but I'm not a man! DD 1 and 2 both found this hilarious.

When I am concentrating hard in a meeting I unfortunately adopt the facial expression of the keyboard player in Sparks (I don't have a Hitler tache tho before someone asks)

Where is this "improve appearance" filter of which a PP speaks?!! Even my "blur background" option has disappeared at the moment.

@FrownPrincess 😂 this is also me.

You don't really look like that. It's the indiscriminate camera lense that can't cope with distances of under 5 feet. Unlike the human eye. Sincerely, a squashed potato.

So glad to find this thread. With all the camera calls I feel I'm wearing more makeup at home in loungewear than I would for a night out!

Sorry to hear that OP, as a long time homeworker the secret is to do your hair and make up on days you have a video conference. Don’t sit too close to your laptop, bronzer and highlighter for sure and glasses whether or not you need them

Oh and one of the background settings to distract from the real you.

I look quite good following the above. Bloody glad when this is over and they go back to audio calls and I can wear my PJs and not wash my hair.

Oh god, yes. The Jaunty Scarf is in my future. I can sense it. Neck-camouflage.

I could just start wearing full PPE I suppose (homemade of course)...

Thank you so much for this. I really needed this and your descriptions have had me belly laughing. I actually chickened out of my last slimming world zoom meeting because I hadn't washed my hair. The next one is tomorrow. I'm going to use some of the tips here.

I love this thread!

I've trotted out every excuse going, to the point where everyone must know I'm making it up. I just hate hate hate being on video.

I thought this the other day about my big nose! I thought why has noone ever told me