To be annoyed that no one has ever told me I look like an actual sea monster in real life?

[MaudBaileysGreenTurban]

I have just watched myself on a recorded Teams meeting.

Sweet fucking Jesus.

My face is basically a blancmange in a plastic bag with two googly Mr Potato Head eyes stuck on wonky. One is half-shut all the time.

When I talk, my mouth sort of does a collapsy thing.

Where is my chin? WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY CHIN?

I can't believe I've actually been walking around, conversing with people, looking like this. For years.

Why did no one tell me I looked like this????

I never knew I had such a massive nose or manly jawline

@Sparklingbrook

I’ve only seen my cat’s bumhole on screen; never actually his face 🐈

Everyone in video meetings looks completely normal except me, I look like a moose. I'm worried that everyone else is thinking that everyone else looks completely normal too, confirming that I do actually look like a moose ALL THE TIME. I've just removed Facetime from my mobile phone, I can never deal with any of this ever again. Thank god the government has told us all to stay in, I'm never leaving the house again.

This is exactly it, chappie. I've never laboured under the illusion that I was anything other than 'presentable'. But, fuck me

Or rather, don't, cos I look like a burst binbag on a hot day.

Hahahaaa!!!
I watched a really good video about how to videocall from home. Some of the tips I remember:

• put stick on googly eyes by the camera, then look at them while you're talking
• sort out lighting (diffuse, soft). I have a yellowish dimmable desk lamp pointing down which is great

I also second the book thing to raise a laptop, if mine is just on the desk I have a double chin and view up my nose - 2 books is perfect

I know what you mean Sparklingbrook my Nan haunts my house. Every time I look in the mirror she jumps in front of me.

Guys, you have given me a much needed laugh this afternoon, thank you!!

Top tip - position the laptop far away from you and use blur background - works a treat

I’m thanking all of my lucky stars that my company has banned the use of the video function on conference calls while we all work from home.. Apparently this is something to do with saving the company IT system from collapse. I suspect it’s more to do with a few of the bosses having seen themselves on screen. It’s bad enough that I keep catching a reflection of myself in the laptop screen, I’d have to put a bag over my head if i had to do an actual video call.

My hairdresser and I were convinced that the new haircut was rather fine, in a shaggy kind of way. That was several weeks ago. I now look like a mop on top of several chins.

I've just watched that Hot and Flashy lady doing a youtube video about how to look good in video meetings - I still look like a moose, just one with better lighting. Maybe I actually need the house rewired, that'll be it.

I conditioned my hair especially this morning so a scarecrow wouldnt scare the clients.
How can anyone take me seriously when I sound like a 5yr old girl whose eaten 4 bags of sherbet and in hyper mode?

God I'm irritating.

I need a brace.

I need to be extra careful that those couple of dark hairs at the side of mouth are moved. Look like cats whiskers.

I don't know how my DP fancies me. I wouldnt. After this pandemic I am going to a beauty salon and tell them to sort it all out.

I'm going to do all future conferencing/zooming etc making my eyes really big, talking really deeply in the hope it hides all the other aspects.

I tell everyone that my camera doesn’t work. This is because of the electrical tape stuck across it, but they don’t know that.

Oh they couriered webcams and/or laptops to our lot when one or two said cameras didn't work. I just tried fuzzying out the background but now it's all great big moose on screen, no distractions. The background is the only thing I can actually control the look of, not my actual moose face.

Whilst I'm killing myself laughing at this thread, it's because I'm secure in the knowledge that none of you can see my bulbous nose, red face and saggy jaw onscreen. I look like a gnarly leprechaun.

Hahaha have loved this thread

Howling with laughter, so much so that’s it’s triggered an asthma attack.
I can relate to you all, which is why I avoid all video calls of any type.

I knew my eyebrows weren't looking good as I haven't been able to have them threaded but a Teams meeting has shown me just how caterpillary they are - I'm in danger of growing a monobrow.

I have discovered that if I am facing very bright sunlight when on a webcam the over exposure leaves just eyes and mouth on screen, which is quite enough of me to communicate effectively.

I have to have a video conference next Tuesday. When I am on camera I look like a potato. My head is a weird shape and I far more chins than I was aware of.
By the way, I hate my voice too.

Oh gosh yes Skype is so cruel. I look like all my colleagues’ mum, rather than their manager. It’s clear that I’m puffy because I’m drinking like a fish. And I keep using my fingertips to give myself a facelift while talking to them. And I need eyelid surgery. One one side. Fuck me. I’m really far from how I appear in my head, where I’m basically a sex goddess, rather than a pink blubbery version of Aunt Lydia.

Here’s my advice from a fellow sea monster - place your laptop/tablet higher up than your face so you are looking up rather than down and put on more make up than you normally would in real life, it really does help!

Someone mentioned Joan Collins up thread. I read an article in a Sunday magazine once when they asked celebs to share their taking good pictures tips. Hers was to push your tongue up to the roof of your mouth and lift up your head to get rid of your double chin. Bit tricky if you need to speak of course, but that wasn't the brief.

Don't know if it's been mentioned but you can 'touch up my appearance' on zoom (go to preferences then video).

I don't know if it works on actual sea monsters but it might help a little.

The people who look good are probably using the 'touch up my appearance' feature on Zoom. And the equivalent on Teams. At least that's what I keep telling myself