I can offer you solutions to all your problems

[pineapplebryanbrown]

I'm a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I have a very old useless degree in humanities from a poly therefore am completely unfettered by knowledge or training. Bring me your problems and I'll solve them.

If you have a warm slanket you could lie down in the garden and ponder your unsavoury urge to tidy.

I agree about the username Thislido. It has bothered me for a while.

I can rest easy now, thank you.

Ok yes, I understand now. It WAS to be for my own personal enjoyment afterwards but now I realise that, should I be doing away with dh soon, due to his stubborn teetotalness and frowny dissapproval of my copious wine consumption along with Monster Munch, I will have to keep the foliage a-rambling and the leaves a-piling up for a quick-fix human remains hidey place!

Many thanks thislido

I'd be very careful about disposing of ANY remains in your own backyard, Dangly. It's the first place Hellen's misguided colleagues will look. If you MUST disposed of your husband's body there (and I would advise against it), you'll need at least half a dozen pigs to get rid of the evidence

Ok, plan sorted. Find pigs online. Get pigs delivered. Feed dead husband to pigs. Leave pigs to roam in garden. All overgrowth will be cleared. Everything will be cleared. You'll be left with a stinky, muddy mire. Sing "Born Free" at the top of your lungs as the police cars start pulling up. Watch police people struggle through mud and ultimately give up. Do not assist. That is not your job. Lie down. Wait until the next Thiciple posts on here with a question about a husband. Pounce. Offer them the pigs. Free for collection. Pick up only. You can do all this without getting up.

I'm hearing shit music through my headphones, what's wrong with my ears? And there's no dosage info on my cough syrup, how much should I take? It's a bad cough

Are you listening to Thighland's National Thanthem? It's not your ears. All music is shit except "Born Free". If you don't already have it on your phone, call the police. Pretend to be your neighbour. You'll soon be singing along to "Born free, as free as the wind blows, as free as the grass grows ... "
Gin is a suitable alternative to cough medicine. Drink the whole bottle. You won't feel cough any more

Oh thank you, thank you Getting

It's a PLAN !!

Good point Gettingnowhere. I had to divorce my husband as we didn't have a garage or a river and the garden was all patio and pigs would have been incongruous in the neighbourhood. I felt bad releasing a domesticated animal into the wild but he survived by finding another wife. I see now I should have been more inventive.

I'm not sure husbands can ever truly be domesticated, even the ones that have been trained to bring you treats. Shame about the life insurance. At least you can lie down, comforted by the knowledge that this monkey is no longer part of your circus.

BasiliskStare you mocked our anthem with a YouTube of Vic Reeves singing Born Free.

But now you would like advice on husband disposal "just in case"?

What are your credentials? Are YOU a fifth columnist? Did you insert a strange thing into my least favourite slipper this morning?

Getting re the school run may I suggest not stopping your car entirely - your "children" should perfect judo rolls and fall from the car. Aim for the lollipop lady next time.

woollyheart - puppies! Yes, bring them to me as an offering, along with lion cubs.

Dangly re "husband" disposal may I echo my dear friend "Getting's warning. I have 2 more words for you Fred West* - and they knocked his house down didn't they?

Then where would you live? You can't come here, I have a no guests rule. You can ask around in Thighland but I think you'll find no one else can have you to stay either.

Gathering some time ago you posed the question to me re what to do with the pigs after they have eaten the evidence.

The answer came to me today as I was non engaging my brain doing typing n shizz - ELSA EATS THE PIGS.

The answer has been presenting itself to us in many guises for days now!!

Gettingsomewhere yes. That is GENIUS. I am ashamed I didn’t think of it. Off to punish myself with gin (mil has ordered me to have one).

Jitterbugz I am a qualified doctor* and I prescribe lemsip with brandy in it.

*I am not. But it works.

I have cross posted my problem in Aibu.
Is that a very bad thing?
My problem is serious. My telly has stopped working and only shows bbc.
Tried all the standard remedies to no avail: resting, snacks, going to river in search of knowledgeable fuckboys etc -
Help me Oh Thigh of Wonder.

ps I have operated a dogs only no guests rule for the past several decades so why has this happened to me?

Grinchly why did you go to AIBU, there's nothing for you there, just wasteland and tumbleweed. The air whistling through peoples brains.

Can I ask whether you solved your management problem earlier in the week? Did you identify your Lau Kim Korn and put her in charge of consumables.

If you did not follow my instructions to the LETTER I suspect that your team have broken into your house and broken your television.

thislido I divorced 2 husbands and they are still alive now. Can you imagine? I could have larged it on life insurance and not had to do any typing n shizz for a living. I'm disgusted with my pre-Thigh self.

I was young.

Now I'm not.

There's no shame here Thigh. We all have the skeletons of divorced husbands in our closets
looks around shiftily

Whoa!! Hold up! Wait a second here. Did MysticReg just sneak a mil in in brackets??? Where the fuck did the mil come from? This isn't the Relationships board. (Although I have to say I've been looking forward to dealing with mils). Is she a "guest"?

This song has been in my head all day:

Life is a thighway
I wanna ride it all night long
If you're going my way
I wanna drive it all night long

Getting yes, yes she did! Reginald why in the name of fuck and all that is Thigh have you brought an "MIL" to our Land.

Turn her into a mannequin immediately!