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Original poster

I can offer you solutions to all your problems

999 replies

pineapplebryanbrown · 14/02/2019 10:16

I'm a non medically trained self appointed internet nurse. I have a very old useless degree in humanities from a poly therefore am completely unfettered by knowledge or training. Bring me your problems and I'll solve them.

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Thread gallery
13
Gettingsomewhere · 21/02/2019 08:29

Right, I need to do the school run drive as close to the school as possible and dump the children out in the middle of the road, singing "Born Free" in time to the sirens and sticking my finger up at the Lollipop Lady as she scowls her disapproval.
For too many years I stood in the cold playground, discussing "ironing uniforms" and "where can we get a fresh supply of unused perfumes" and "expressing breastmilk".
Thank you, Great, Wonderful and Powerful Thigh, you have changed my life

woollyheart · 21/02/2019 08:31

My pack of dogs are doing a wonderful job of making my home unattractive to visitors. I have stopped pandering to people with unacceptably high standards of cleanliness. I also have reduced washing my hair to avoid attracting additional husbands, although I already have one who is proving impossible to shift. He is useful for bringing chocolate and treats for the dogs though.

One of the dogs has now gone on heat, and wants to visit the river at night. Should I let her go? Aren't puppies going to be as troublesome as babies?

Gettingsomewhere · 21/02/2019 08:35

Excellent Reverse Progress Woolly! I'm not an expert on dogs (I specialise in dragons), but I would suggest filling your house with as many dogs as possible to continue your good work. Their excess fur can be knitted into blankets

Gettingsomewhere · 21/02/2019 08:48

Of course, your "husband" will be the one knitting the dog-hair blankets. He needs something to do in the rare moments when he is not delivering you treats. The Devil makes work for idle hands. Keep him busy

DanglyTassles · 21/02/2019 09:15

OMG thigh people!! Do you realise this thread has only been going for 7 days!

I have only been aware of the thighway for ONE WEEK !

I nearly tidied the garden last week!!! Where were our heads?

Gettingsomewhere · 21/02/2019 09:41

Seven days ago, I was on AIBU, complaining about the weird new nanny who was "pretending" to be Eastern European just so she wouldn't have to buy a tombola ticket. I had my suspicions that she wasn't even a real nanny. I was even putting in a plea for someone to translate "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" out of Estonian. I suspected she was swearing at me. YIWBU

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 21/02/2019 10:27

THIS was in my slipper this morning!!

I can offer you solutions to all your problems
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Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 21/02/2019 10:43

WHERE'S HELLEN!!!

The above attempt to hobble me is a sign that we are very, very powerful. And there has been a security breach.

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Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 21/02/2019 11:04

smartipants not such a smarty pants huh? Rain is sufficient for hair washing, steam will rise from it when you re enter your house and give you a sauna. Double plus good. What's this shizz about swiping? Are you offering yourself up for appearance based judgement? If your hair becomes sufficiently filthy that your head sticks to the pillow then throw away to pillow case and rest again.

Use dry shampoo and if this mixes with the rain and forms a paste place a bowl on your head and cut off your hair.

You really should wear a Mao suit to go with your utilitarian haircut but i don't advocate that we wear uniforms, it would be a faff.

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Gettingsomewhere · 21/02/2019 11:05

Oh that is terrorthying! Not only are they attempting to hobble you, but destabilise your furniture!

woollyheart · 21/02/2019 11:08

Thank you @Gettingsomewhere

Your advice is flawless! I will help her find the river later. We may have to select dogs with more fur as she is not really furry enough for making blankets. I have suggested making blankets before from dog hair but "husband" refused. I will follow suitable dictator behaviour and show him how to knit.

Is someone trying to hobble our leader @thighofrelief101 ?

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 21/02/2019 11:12

Getting as you will have realised i have many pairs of slippers dotted at flash points around the house. This morning i reached for my favourite pair which had been removed and my least favourite pair was there in it's place. Obviously I sleep soundly as i have a clear conscience and no "to do list" in my head. But so soundly that I missed an intruder?

No, it was the kale/chocolate mention that made me woozy and discombobulated. This came to me through the television on a BBC programme and so an arm of the current junta.

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Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 21/02/2019 11:19

The thread began on VDday, my gift to you. More useful than a shitty card and teddy.

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Nampoo · 21/02/2019 11:21

my husband keeps tripping up around the house because he say's his slippers are nor sports slippers - where do I purchase 'sports slippers' please?

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 21/02/2019 11:21

I have typing n shizz to do but my cadre will minister in my absence. I will check healing methods (add Dictators for illustrative purposes) when I have put RL back in its filthy box.

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Gettingsomewhere · 21/02/2019 11:33

Nampoo, who is in charge in your house? You, or the overgrown man child? YOU do not serve him, he serves you. Any debate and it's the integral garage. Be strong. Thigh will provide a suitable reference to a 20th century dictator on her return.

nakedscientist · 21/02/2019 11:33

Nampoo put your "husband" back in his place. It is not your job to supply sports slippers. The words together are an abomination. How can "sports" (ugh) and slippers (ahhh) be put together?

Tell him to crawl if he must, but bring you treats and tea/wine depending on the shadow of the yard arm.

Gettingsomewhere · 21/02/2019 11:38

Sports slippers is an oxymoron

Gettingsomewhere · 21/02/2019 11:39

Naked, the Force of Thigh is indeed strong in you

Original poster
pineapplebryanbrown · 21/02/2019 11:56

Nampoo two words. Life insurance.

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Gettingsomewhere · 21/02/2019 13:06

Thigh, I'm not surprised you felt woosy and discombobulated after witnessing the unnatural spectacle that is MasterChef. Why foof about with "tweels" and "foams" and "reductions" when Pickled Onion Monster Munch can be delivered to your door? This is what happens when normal, ordinary, everyday people let two "men" judge them and dictate to them

Gettingsomewhere · 21/02/2019 15:34

Any update on the slipper mystery? Where is Hellen???

thislido · 21/02/2019 16:02

Gettingsomwehere I've stated to worry about your username. It sounds very purposeful and productive. Please tell me that 'somewhere' is Thighland?

I wondered if Evil Edna had been wearing Thigh's slippers but I've checked some pictures, lying down, and she didn't have castors as I remembered, just feet.

DanglyTassles · 21/02/2019 16:08

Sorry, I don't know the answer to 'hobblegate' , but just need to ask a quick q ... does anyone know if it's ok to tidy the garden now (cos it's sunny here so thighrules state can go outside) or should I just not?

thislido · 21/02/2019 16:22

It might depend on your underlying motives, Dangly. Is it for visitors or passers by (who are just another variant of visitors)? Has it got something to do with a "husband"?

Remember that disposal of human remains is easier to conceal in an untidy garden