How do you adjust to life as a lone parent?

[sittingonacornflake]

So I'm a bit of an emotional wreck and relying quite heavily on my MN crutch at the moment.

DP is moving out this weekend so I will be a lone parent to our baby. I'm a FTM and although I had thought I'd be doing quite well the reality is I'm hugely anxious since having had our baby and I'm so so so so scared of being the only adult in the house and having sole responsibility for him.

Any tips on how to adjust to life from being in a relationship to suddenly being a lone parent?

How do you cope with the evenings when baby has gone to bed? I'm so scared about how lonely I'll be.

What do you do over night if baby becomes unwell or you're unsure of anything?

How do you find happiness again?

💐🍷🎂 Here they are (I added a cake too).

Thanks everyone 💗 I took my first tablet last night and after a couple of hrs I stared to feel a bit drunk, so I thought great maybe I will sleep well tonight only to wake up an hour later feeling sick and lightheaded, I threw up but then my skin started burning and heart heart started beating really fast, I was really scared and alone, I didn't know what to do then the baby cried but I couldn't move. Times like this is when I'm going to struggle being alone.Safe to say I will not be taking any more of those tablets, I will stick to councilling and I have bought some karms and nytol. I have spoke to family who said I should of rang them to come over, they now have a spare key.
I feel like this is a massive setback for me as I'm still a bit shaky, lack of sleep and food are not helping.

Also can anyone rationalise why I'm acting like this, I wanted to end the relationship too, I didn't love him and we were arguing all the time so it's 100% the right decision, but why am I acting all depressed and jealous, and why can't I move on from this?

Sorry you had a bad experience with the medication Lorddenning1 . It's hard to ask for help isn't it? One of things I learnt through counselling is to ask for help, which is hard because I was brought up to be self reliant.

How long is it since you split up? If you once cared for him enough to have children together then I think it takes a long time to get over. I feel like I'm going through that ridiculous cliche of 'conscious uncoupling'.

Hello @unexpectednewstart it's been 4 weeks :( for the first 3 weeks I was doing ok, a bit down but I was handling it, this week has been a nightmare, since I found out he has started a new relationship. Iv read messages I shouldn't between them and he has fallen for her (she is an ex ex girlfriend who he was engaged to around 14 years ago)
I think I'm finding it so hard because of how quick it was and I feel the 10 years we spent together meant nothing to him of he can just move on like that.
He has told me it's nice to look at her and not hate her face :(
He is now asking if I'm ok and if I ever need to talk I only have to pick up the phone.

@Lorddenning1 What anti-depressants were you given? If they were SSRIs, I'd really consider giving them another try. Maybe just take half a tablet and build up.

I say this because SSRIs (like Fluoxetine/ Prozac) have been proven to really help with the emotional pain of heartbreak. They increase your natural work of serotonin which decreases your feelings of romantic attachment to a partner. They literally stop you caring about them.

I can see why you were scared though. Maybe try again when you're with people?

Big hug. I've been where you are. It sucks but I PROMISE it does get a lot easier, and eventually really lovely.

@Lorddenning1 how are you doing now? Sorry I've let this thread go under my radar a bit I hope you're feeling a bit better.

I threw out a load of Christmas / birthday / anniversary cards that I'd kept over the years from and to exDP. It surprised me how much it hurt but I made the mistake of reading them. All the little pictures, the references to the places we were living (we moved a few times during our relationship) and what had been going on. I had a good cry and then wanting to message him about it. Didn't, obviously, as I am fully aware they would be short term gratification but will make the longer term harder.

Sigh.

Good morning @sittingonacornflake I'm doing alot better over the last couple of days. I'm better in the evenings, I wake up full of dread, sick to the stomach and Adrenaline surges, it goes by dinner time.
I have my first counselling session on Thursday, hoping a bit of CBT will help. I think ultimately I just need :)

I haven't got round to sorting things like that yet OP, I have learned to just go with my feelings, if I want to cry then go for it, the grief curve relationship diagram helped me, see attached

Good morning ladies, how are you doing? I'm feeling particularly low this morning. I've had a bad night with the baby and then toddler is up early and I can't help but think things would be easier if STBXH was here. When I confirmed that my solicitor would be in touch this week, he had the cheek to say that it wasn't what our toddler wants and shouldn't I think of that? As if me divorcing him makes me responsible when he is the one who cheated and is in trouble with the police. Taking solace in coffee and CBeebies!

Hi @unexpectednewstart sorry your having a tough time at the minute, I think men are chief manipulators, they try and turn it all around on us, maybe they caught taught this in a separate glass at school.
Mornings are always the worst for me, by the evening I'm content and settled but but as soon as I wake up it all comes back to me.
If you are feeling low or a bit depressed, st John Worts are amazing at lifting your mood, iv been taking them for nearly a week and I haven't cried since. Iv gone back to work, I'm eating and sleeping and laughing and joking with the children, don't get me wrong the hurt is still there but I find I don't get the anxiety and the depression over it. They are my miracle tablets at the minute.
This week we have had a big row, I ended up throwing him out of my house, then on my birthday he sent my best friend a text message, meant for his new girlfriend (they have the same name) I was there when she got the message and reading the intimate message, I didn't even flinch when I read it, we concluded that is wasn't sent my accident. The next day he rang crying to say he misses the kids but then in the next breath said he was going to a big event with his new girlfriend, there was no need for me to know this. He then promptly rang me 4 times by "accident" when his phone was in his pocket and I could here a conversation clear as day, again I just hung up the phone and ignored it.
I think he senses that I no longer care and it's bugging him, at first when I found out about his new girlfriend I used to cry and ring him up and say how could he etc, but I'm over it now, I have accepted it and it's now irrelevant to me and I think he knows this and is trying to purposely upset me. He is so pathetic, she is quite welcome to the fecking idiot 🙄

@unexpectednewstart sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch, are you feeling any better?

@Lorddenning1 sounds like you are really starting to move on - must be liberating!

My ex has totally and completely changed. He's a different man. A better man....... according to him!

Yeah it's a load of bollocks that he spouts because he keeps asking for me back! Still barely sees his son and must think I'm a complete mug!

Hi sittingonacornflake

I'm still up and down. I have a small baby who is ebf and feeds a lot at night so I'm very much on survival mode. It's quite hard to separate the emotion of the break up and the sheer exhaustion of daily life. I feel like I deserve a medal at the end of each day!

How are you and Lorddenning1?

Hi @unexpectednewstart you do deserve a medal :) you are doing a great job well done, it does get easier once they get a bit older and eat food :)
I'm doing ok ish, I had my first councilling today and I feel like I will really benefit from it, I just a need to find a way to be around him and not get upset or row with him.
We had parents evening tonight and argued in the car and he got out and stormed off, he got the hump I said I had a concern about the kids staying over once he moves in with his new gf and I was worried they both might smoke weed and there wouldn't be a responsible person in the house etc he was really mad at me for this saying I'm making up issues.
He came to the school and informed me he was only there because his new gf had talked him into it.
I feel quite emotionally drained today and I have cried a lot, baby was up in the night too so I'm tired.
Hope you other ladies are having a better time of it and are being strong xxx

@unexpectednewstart I feel your pain on the EBF and night wakings. How old is your little one? Mine is 8mo and wakes up CONSTANTLY. I've forgotten what it's like to have an evening becauSe all I do is run up and down the stairs at least every hour to soothe him when he wakes up. Sigh.

@Lorddenning1 - I have to say your ex sounds like a cock and you are well bloody rid! I don't know how you managed to stay so calm and not thump him one!

My ex is being difficult with barely seeing the baby and not turning up to agreed contact so I've said it has to be a set day / time every week now because he's messing us about. It's just a real pain because he won't take the baby ever so contact has to be at mine which leaves me a bit stuck with making plans.

Hi OP

My baby is five months and I also have a toddler. Their dad does want to see them but contact is in our house which creates extra stress. On one hand, I wish they were old enough for him to take them out so I have space to myself, on the other I don't really trust him so I prefer to be able to supervise things. It doesn't really feel like we've properly broken up when he's here but I am sure of my decision.

How do you find it out and about with a baby? As he is so young, I find people assume we've got a happy home life and it doesn't occur to people that I might be on my own. Just this week some Mum acquaintances were joking that my hair looked so glossy, maybe I was pregnant (I had actually just dyed it) and I had to laugh along as I'm not close enough to them to want to share my situation. I'm also not looking forward to going back to work and people finding out that I've got divorced. I feel like such a failure, although I know deep down I've done all I could to make things work but have been massively betrayed.

*Lorddenning1
*
Your ex sounds like he's behaving awfully and you're better off without him. At least his behaviour reminds you regularly of why you've made this decision. My challenge is the opposite, my ex feels very guilty and I still feel emotionally responsible for him. His mental health is so bad, I worry about saying something which is the catalyst for him taking his own life.

@unexpectednewstart I find playing 'single mum bingo' in my head helps. So laugh somewhat manically (on the inside) every time someone says 'oh have you tried getting your partner to do bedtime routine to help with the sleeping' or 'oh isn't that a lovely age, don't the dads get so much more out of them when they're older'.

Bastards.

Op
Definitely going to play that! I've already started doing the manically laughing inside!

Yes he is behaving appalling actually, I'm the space of 7 weeks I have had to deal with the end of a 9 year relationship, get used to being a single mum, going back to work, him meeting someone new, him falling in love with new gf then wanting to move in with her and then wanting to introduce the children, it's been 7 weeks for fuck sake, give me a bit of credit. He basically stood in front of me and said would it help you if I told you I don't love you anymore and that iv not loved you for a while, and that I hate you as a person and it would be a lot easier if I never had to speak to you or see you for the rest of my life,,,,,,
I honesty don't know how to handle all this at the minute 😢

I wish I was as strong as you lovely ladies :(

Oh @Lorddenning1 I can't believe he said that to you! Did he mean those words or is he asking you whether it would help if he did,

I think you're doing amazing and you ARE strong, you just don't feel it. But you'll look back at this time, maybe in a few months or maybe next year, and you will realise how bloody well you are doing despite it feeling like the world is crashing down around you.

I don't know about you ladies but MN massively helps me, and talking the hind leg of any friend or family member that will listen to me.

I think he meant them, I can't seem to move pass the fact that he has met someone else, it's the old u don't want them but you don't want anyone else to have them, well not yet anyways.
My sister split with her OH and she said she found it hard, then after a year he met someone else and she said it upset her all over again, she said at the min I'm Having to deal with it all now, at least the only way is up when you feel as low as I do.
I find this thread really helpful, I go right back to the beginning and read the thread over again, it helps sometimes x

@sittingonacornflake I talk to my friends and family also, anyone who will listen really, I'm sure they are sick of me, I'm sick of me :(

Hi OP, I became a single mum when my son was 8m old. I was working full time in central London and dealing with stalker ex via the police, non-molestation orders and family court with no local support. Also using a childminder I hated.

Looking back now I don't know how I didn't have a complete mental breakdown. My son is nearly 3 now and we are both doing so well. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and you and your baby will be absolutely fine

@Lorddenning1 I know what you mean. And how badly you wish you could just not care but you can't help your feelings! It's not the same thing at all but since the split I've been adamant that I couldn't care less who ex is seeing or what he gets up to. But then he casually told me about some light dating (with 2 women!) and cuddles on the sofa he has had and I was so  that he has moved on so quick and it felt like a bit of a punch in the gut.

So, tell me, have you noticed any little nice things since the split? So for example, ex always stayed up later than me and messed the house up. I like things 'just so' and it's VERY nice coming downstairs and all the cushions on the sofa are straight and the kitchen is clean and tidy. And if I come down and it's messy I smile because it means I had a bit of a fun and left the dishes whereas when ex was here I'd come down and glare at dishes or mess because I felt so annoyed they had just been left for me to do again.

Small I know, but makes me happy.