How do you adjust to life as a lone parent?

[sittingonacornflake]

So I'm a bit of an emotional wreck and relying quite heavily on my MN crutch at the moment.

DP is moving out this weekend so I will be a lone parent to our baby. I'm a FTM and although I had thought I'd be doing quite well the reality is I'm hugely anxious since having had our baby and I'm so so so so scared of being the only adult in the house and having sole responsibility for him.

Any tips on how to adjust to life from being in a relationship to suddenly being a lone parent?

How do you cope with the evenings when baby has gone to bed? I'm so scared about how lonely I'll be.

What do you do over night if baby becomes unwell or you're unsure of anything?

How do you find happiness again?

[sittingonacornflake]

@TeachesOfPeaches thank you for sharing! So pleased things got so good for you - I hope we all look back in 3 years in the same way!

[Lorddenning1]

I felt like i had been punched in the stomach when he told me he had slept with his new girlfriend :( something about sleeping with someone else really played on my mind as to me thats very private and intimate and he was now doing it with someone else (i wont lie it still hurts now).

i have noticed how much my food shopping cost way less, and toilet roll now last ages, milk, coffee and sugar also.
also my gas and electric has gone down by £20 per month, he always used to leaves lights on, put the tumble dryer on etc.

[sittingonacornflake]

@Lorddenning1 oh my goodness yes toilet roll lasts FOREVER now. Although the drastic cut in the cost of food shopping is both good and bad because you have to spend a minimum of £40 to get it delivered!

[Lorddenning1]

I go to Aldi and load up goodies for the children and I now spend around £45 a week, it used to be £80 a week. U now have extra money to put towards days out for me and the children.
I have had a better day today, iv made a play list today, full of uplifting songs like Cher- stronger and Katy Perry Roar :) it's cheered me up singing along in the car, anyone had any councilling before?

[unexpectednewstart]

OP and *Lorddenning1
*
I think I have the opposite problem to you. My ex has got himself in such a bad situation that it will be a very long time till he has any chance of meeting someone new. But the disadvantage is that he is still very emotionally reliant on me. I'm having to keep a lot of my emotions in because I don't want him to act on his suicidal thoughts. And contact with the kids is in my flat so I can't get away from him.

[unexpectednewstart]

*Lorddenning1
*
Yes I have had counselling and found it really useful. I learnt a lot about myself and find that I continue to be self reflective as a result. If I start to struggle again, I'll go back to counselling ASAP.

[Lorddenning1]

@unexpectednewstart I suppose they are doing us a favour moving on as it's forcing us to accept its over and move on myself, I suppose it would be a lot harder if he was emotional and asking me if we had done the right thing etc and crying.
The only thing I have found with councilling so far is I have to dig and then talk about my feelings, which then brings them to the surface and then I am upset then for a few days after, I try and spend my time not dwelling on things and I try to not think about him and then with councilling I have to :(

[unexpectednewstart]

Lorddenning1 I think they're just different ways to hurt. None are easy.

I really want to get to a point where I can be on my own properly though. I don't feel I have escaped this relationship yet and feel trapped in the mess he has created.

I can't imagine having another relationship for years, the kids are so consuming, I have nothing left to give.

I had counselling at a point where lots of things were happening to me and my friends and family were too emotionally involved themselves to be able to listen neutrally to what I was going through. I haven't had counselling that opened up things that weren't already open and raw. It's brave to do that but worth it in the long term.

[Lorddenning1]

thanks for sharing, i agree i think they hurt in different ways, it hurts me to think he can just move on so fast and replace me, like the last 9 years meant nothing to him.
although i dont want to be in the relationship anymore, i cant stand the fact he is planning to move in with her and be a family with her two kids. i think i need to accept that i will always love him, and im hoping with time, it doesnt hurt me as much.
it has been a rough couple of days, i will see how i get on with councilling, she did say you will feel worst at first before it gets better.

[Lorddenning1]

Does anyone get anxiety when you know you have to see them? I pick the kids up in a couple of hrs and I feel sick to my stomach :(

[unexpectednewstart]

Lorddenning1 I find I get so tense, my shoulders feel like they're touching my ears! I think it's something that it only going to get better over time. It is very cruel that your ex has launched into another relationship, however I would imagine it is a reflection of him being unable to be on his own.

Did you say you've recently gone back to work post mat leave? I'm not looking forward to having to tell people I got a divorce as well as a baby while I've been off!

[FozzieBear123]

I started watching this thread when the OP first posted back in August. I had a feeling I might need the advice....To cut a very long story short my 'D'P of 12 years left me tonight. We have a 3 year old DD. We've had a couple of trial separations over this past year but I always said if he left again then that was it, there would be no coming back. Tonight he's packed a bag and gone to his parents. To say I'm devastated is an understatement. I feel like someone's died. He's a very hands-on dad. Our DD is his world and I think leaving her is what stopped him from leaving in the past. I know he will be there for her whenever I ask, but I'm still petrified about being on my own. I don't know how to do this. I will have to claim benefits at some point and see if I can get help paying my rent (I don't even know where to begin with applying for all of that). As I look around my house tonight I think that I don't want to be here on my own without him. Despite all his faults and all the arguing we've done over the year, I still love him. He's my best friend. How do I get over that? I've read this entire thread this evening and it's given me comfort knowing how so many of you are in such a great place now. Right now though I just feel sick at the thought of waking up in the morning and him not being there.

[Lorddenning1]

@FozzieBear123 welcome to the thread, unfortunately 
I think at this point you need to take it day by day, it's going to hurt like the shit, probably one of the worst feelings you have ever had.
You say you don't know how to do this but you will learn, as you have to because your little one is going to need you. You probably can't see it yet, but this is a blessing in disguise, you have a chance to be happy now. If you want to cry then go for it, don't keep it bottled up, best advice I can give you is to try and sleep and eat, take care of the most basic needs, you will need to be strong. Getting over this will take time, I'm only 8 weeks in myself and I now don't cry every day like I used to, at the start I couldn't even get out of bed and look after my children properly. Keep in touch with family and friends as they will be your biggest strength over the next couple of weeks, do you work?
And don't forget us at mumsnet, it has helped me so much recently, try and get some rest tonight, this is the start of your journey, sending you hugs

[Lorddenning1]

@unexpectednewstart I have gone back to work but only because I was signed off work by my doctor, I was off for 2 weeks as I just couldn't cope, u don't have to tell anyone right away, just get used to being back at work first, are you close to the people u work with, I have found people at work to be very supportive and very understanding to me, that have helped me with my tough days.

I have been brave and spoken to my ex today about boundaries, I cannot cope with him telling me every detail of his new GF, it's tearing me apart and i cannot deal with it, I get major anxiety when it's time to see him bcoz I get scared is what he is going to say or tell me about her, and then I cry in the car on the way home.
So I have said to him if he doesn't stop doing it then our arrangements will need to change, I said I won't be able to be around him and therefore he will have to collect the kids from my family and also he won't be able to come to my house midweek to see them. He agreed to the no talking about her, obviously in the future he will have to talk about her, when they move in together etc but at the minute I'm too fragile to hear it. Let's see if he can behave himself.

[FozzieBear123]

Thanks @Lorddenning1 for your kind words. I surprisingly slept ok. I was probably shattered from all the crying. My DD came through to me at some point and when she woke up next to me this morning she asked where daddy was. I burst into tears and said he was at nanny and grandads and would be living there from now on. She was not bothered in the slightest and said the sweetest thing "don't worry mummy, I'll look after you". That made me cry more! He came round earlier to see her and has taken her shopping. I'm sitting here plucking up the courage to phone my parents and tell them. You asked if I work and yes I do. Part time. I'm actually off this coming week as I work in education and it's half term so at least I've got a week to try and gather my thoughts. My DD will still be in childcare for a couple of days so I can start to organise things. I told my ex today that I want him to move his stuff out asap. My heart is breaking beyond words and I'm scared witless. I don't drive and have always relied on him. I need to put my big girl pants on and get behind the wheel (as terrifying as it is to me!) because I can't be isolated. I need that freedom to be able to pop to shops, parents, friends etc. I just need to find the confidence to do it! Hugs to everyone on here that's going through this

[Lorddenning1]

Glad you had a good night :) kids can be so resilient, they are stronger than us adults, I thought my 7 year old would of been affected but he is fine, in actual fact e is probably better as there is no arguing anymore.
He once heard me crying when I was in the bath and came in all concerned and asked me if I was ok, I just said mummy isn't feeling very well at the min and he said aw ok, but can you keep it down I'm trying to sleep, it pulled me out of my crying episode though.
It's good you have work as I find it distracts me, but also it's good you have a week off, to try and wrap your head around what's going on and maybe get sorted with money etc.
Do you claim any benefits now, u may need to look into universal credits or tax credits so help you with rent and bills etc, you will also need to to sort out maintenance payments too. This is all the practical stuff but it's the emotionally side that's going to be the hardest, just accept that it's going to be hard, and it will hurt and you will cry a lot, but you are not always going to feel this way, I don't feel the same as I did 8 weeks ago, iv been right where you are now, it's shit and nobody is going to be able to take the pain away from you, it just does with time.
I have been taking Saint John worts to help me, it's herbal and there is no side effects, it just takes the edge off my moods :) good luck and we are here for you :)

[unexpectednewstart]

Welcome FozzieBear123 sorry that you're in a position which means you need to join this thread. My oldest is also 3 and she has adapted okay so far. They're still young enough to accept simple explanations. I think being on our own with kids so young is both incredibly difficult but also easier. On a practical side, it's so hard as my kids need me so much. On the other, we can create a Happy secure new normal and they can accept the new shape of their family. I still love my ex and am trying to get my head round things. On the surface our relationship was very good and I was happy with him, but I discovered he was leading a double life and had been unfaithful. I'm still struggling to take in the reality so I keep a list of hard facts and remind myself of them if I wobble.

Lorddenning1 my colleagues are nice but I'm not close to them. Things in my relationship started to go wrong about a year ago and I withdrew a bit from them because I didn't want to answer too many questions plus one got engaged and I didn't want to spoil her happiness with my woes. In some ways I'm looking forward to going back as I have lots of time to think on mat leave and I think the distraction of work will help. On the other hand constant baby cuddles /a baby I can't put down mean I never feel lonely!

[Lorddenning1]

How is everybody getting on?
FozzieBear123 are you ok?

[sittingonacornflake]

Hi all and @FozzieBear123 I am sorry to hear we are welcoming you to the thread, but welcome you are.

How is everyone getting on? Sorry I've not checked in so much this last week.

After doing very well I've strangely had a few sad days. I think potentially the Adrenaline I was running off of 'this is my fresh start' has worn off and the reality has crept in a bit. Just little things like struggling to keep on top of the housework and laundry whilst taking care of a baby has got me down. But, it's been lovely weather this week and I've made a few new mom friends which is beyond helpful. A group of us went on a long baby wearing walk along the coast today and had a picnic and it just felt so lovely and I think has pulled me out of my rut again. Fingers crossed.

I do think, however, that part of this journey is accepting that there are always going to be hard days but there will be good ones too. And there should be more and more good days and less bad ones as time goes on.

And there is always wine.

[Lorddenning1]

Hi@sittingonacornflake I think it's all part of the grieving process, you have to grieve for the end of relationship, even if you was unhappy in it, my councillor said if you want to cry then go ahead, don't bottle it up.
That being said iv made a conscious effort to not wallow in it either. I have had a rough couple of days with my emotions and not coping very well with the fact he has moved on etc, spoke to a work colleague yesterday, who is an old friend of mine and he was very frank with me, he gave me some much needed tough love regarding my situation and he is spot on, i had a really good day after hearing that and again today, I'm a lot more positive too. I have been doing slimming world and iv got my target and then lost more weight, I'm getting my confidence back and I feel good in myself :).
As for my ex, I have made an effort not to think about him or his new partner and the rose tinted glasses have started to fall a bit now, I feel sorry for her if she can put up with him, I want more than what he can offer me, maybe she has lower standards than me, I don't know.
I'm hoping I continue to do ok and not dip like I did at the weekend.
Sending positive vibes to every one xx

[sittingonacornflake]

@Lorddenning1 so glad you're doing well. And well done on losing weight! I am also losing weight and it feels sooo good doesn't it. Like saying goodbye to the old you and hello to a new one. The new me isn't quite here yet but she's coming - little by little! Which reminds me, I must book a hair cut!

How are you finding counselling? Is it proving useful? I've wondered about it but then I am on the whole doing ok and it would just be another thing to try and schedule in and sort childcare out for!

[Lorddenning1]

Good morning Sittingonacornflake, iv been doing slimming world for a year and iv been doing ok ish, but the break up has helped me lose my last stone, and im now down to single figures in weight :) my clothes are hanging off me so i need to go on a shopping trip. I have booked for my eyebrows micro bladed tomorrow so im really looking forward to that, I dont even recognise myself at the minute and iv been getting lots of compliments.
I dont compare myself to his new girlfriend as we are the total opposites looks wise, i dont even think me and ex split over us not finding each other attractive, i think it was deeper than that.
I have had my assessment and i rang them on monday to find out how long i have to wait until i can start and she said the waiting list is 5 weeks, i was thinking of going private, but i actually feel ok now, but im going to see how i feel, im hoping iv got over the worst of it. I have been doing alot of reading online about jealously and overthinking etc and its really helped, I am hoping this new frame of mind will continue :)

[FozzieBear123]

Hi everyone. I've been trying to get on here all week but MN keeps crashing on my decrepit phone. I've had a very up and down week. I can't believe it's only been a week since he left. It feels so much longer. And today has felt like the longest day ever with the clocks changing! Some days I've been feeling quite positive - "yeah, I got this" kind of way. Others I've woken up and been hit with an instant feeling of dread and panic. I had some time to myself this week while DD was in nursery. My plan was to get cracking on a UC application. However, I spent most of the time wallowing, crying and eating junk! All part of the grieving process I guess....? I'm so lonely right now. My ex came round to see our DD before bed but he's gone now and she's fast asleep. I have wine, chocolate, Strictly and X Factor to take my mind off things before I have to go to bed on my own
Back to work tomorrow after a week off. At least it'll give me something else to focus on.

[Lorddenning1]

Hi Fozzie, it sounds like your handling it pretty well, it is like a rollacoaster, one day you feel on top of the world and next day you can be lower than a snakes bollocks, just take it a day at a time, there are no rules for this.
is there defo no way to work through your problems or is this defo the end. I hope today has gone ok for you :)

[Lorddenning1]

I have done something daft, which has made me feel all sad again :(
around 3 weeks ago i started whats call a friends with benefits with a friend of mine, it was only meant to be a bit of fun and a distraction, and so far its worked. He isnt my normal type and i thought i would get all weird and cancel it etc but iv done the total fucking opposite.
I have really enjoyed spending time with him, romantically and watching films and cuddling etc, he is very funny and very easy to be around, but told me at the start he didnt want a relationship, fair enough neither did i. But iv started to really like him and i wanted to call time on it in case i got hurt, but my friends convinced me to tell him and it turns out he really likes me too but again doesn't want to commit,.
so i have ended it as its not fair on us both, and now im all sad and miserable and feel like i have nothing to look forward to anymore etc etc
why the fuck have i done this to myself, im an actual idiot :( i havent cried but i feel a bit low :(