How do you adjust to life as a lone parent?

[sittingonacornflake]

So I'm a bit of an emotional wreck and relying quite heavily on my MN crutch at the moment.

DP is moving out this weekend so I will be a lone parent to our baby. I'm a FTM and although I had thought I'd be doing quite well the reality is I'm hugely anxious since having had our baby and I'm so so so so scared of being the only adult in the house and having sole responsibility for him.

Any tips on how to adjust to life from being in a relationship to suddenly being a lone parent?

How do you cope with the evenings when baby has gone to bed? I'm so scared about how lonely I'll be.

What do you do over night if baby becomes unwell or you're unsure of anything?

How do you find happiness again?

[Beholdawomanhasarrived]

You survived today which is a sure sign of how strong you are.
Don't look to the future yet. Take one day...or hour...or even minute at a time.
There is no right way to feel or react and your emotions will probably be on a rollercoaster for a while.
You CAN do this.
Massive massive hugs to you and your babies

[sittingonacornflake]

@Lorddenning1 well done for surviving yesterday. It can't get any harder than that - it can only get better.

Hope you slept ok - I know it can be difficult with so many thoughts whirring round your head.

Today is a new day, a fresh start for everyone.

[ChipsEclipse]

Hi. I’ve just become a single mum of two and struggling a bit with the thought of it. Practically I’m finding it so much better and the atmosphere at home is relaxed for the first time in ages but I’m also a bit lost on the evenings and worried for the future. Just want to wish you all the best in your new journey. Your thread has helped in making me feel less alone in some way.

[sittingonacornflake]

@ChipsEclipse well a sad welcome to you to this thread! I think it's not where we want to be but here we are regardless and hopefully for the better. Evenings are probably the hardest part but I totally agree about how nice it is without a tense atmosphere at home. And everything is just 'so' because there is no man child messing everything up!

[Lorddenning1]

Thank you everyone :) this thread is good support 😃 I have had a better day today and I haven't cried once , I have taken the kids out swimming and for Tea, it's been a good distraction and I'm tired now. I agree that the house seems so much more calmer now there is no more arguing, I am just taking it a day at a time, I'm trying to not think to far into the future, Christmas scares me 😢 I hope everyone else is ok x

[Marlboroandmalbec34]

Can I join too? Split with husband 2 months ago. I have a baby and a toddler. Stbxh was a horrid abusive drunk sometimes and has become worse since split BUT tonight I miss him and I feel so guilty to my babies that they are missing their daddy. On a practical level he worked a way a bit so I know I can parent on my own but I so wanted my family to work..I love the idea of making lists for first year will defo be doing that.

[unexpectednewstart]

Welcome Marlboro and chips.

How are you all coping with wider family? Do they know yet? I had a message from MIL today, who doesn't know its officially over although he's living with her, saying I need to give him hope of having me and the kids back to get through the problems he's having. I want to scream back at her all the things he's done to me but I know it's much better to keep quiet so I can't be interpreted as bitter. I'm so angry with her because the problems he has can be traced back to how he was parented. Obviously he's an adult so it's his fault, not hers.

[IsabellaMoltisantixx]

Watch loads of box sets
Your fave ones
Get a dog - honestly it helps they have a comforting nature and are great to cuddle! Also when children are with dad , I spent the day walking dog or even booking a holiday with dog in cabin or beach and met loads of people so just kept busy

[Marlboroandmalbec34]

When I get sorted I will so be getting a dog! He has kept the family dog I really miss my pooch x

[sittingonacornflake]

@unexpectednewstart sorry to hear about your MIL. What a nightmare. IMO it's best just to say nothing to her at all - whatever you say your ex will likely give her an entirely different story anyway and MIL is more likely to believe ex than you.

I don't know what my ex has told his family but they've all messaged me saying they want to keep in touch and his sister apparently cried when he told her. I'm going to stay in touch with his family but the subject of ex is firmly off the cards - I refuse to discuss him with them so that a) they can't report back to him and b) I don't want to come across as bitter.

I've kept myself really busy this weekend with friends and family which has been such a good distraction - if exhausted me!! I'm also making plans for the coming month or so to have friends down to stay over so I feel like I have more medium term plans which helps.

Hope everyone else is doing ok!

[unexpectednewstart]

This evening I'm feeling sad at the thought of the times I'm going to have to be without my children eg giving them the chance to celebrate birthdays and Christmas with their dad. At the moment contact is in the family home because they're so small but I'm going to have to let them go at some point. How do I get over that? I didn't choose for their dad to treat me so badly that our marriage is ending.

[ChipsEclipse]

Hi Unexpected sorry that you’re feeling down this evening. It seems so unfair that the family life you want to have and tried so hard for is gone because of someone else’s behaviour and then you still have all the downside of having to accommodate that person I the children’s lives. My DH could be quite abusive and has really ramped that up since we split so it’s horrible having to send DS off with him at all. I’m dreading his demands at Christmas but am trying not to think about it at the min.
My family know we have split but they they think it’s because of him having a brief affair. I can’t bring myself to tell them what he’s really like.
If you’re able to be quite amicable then at some point you might be glad of having a bit of time to yourself when contact is out of the house. I think the big occasion dates will always be hard but it’s just important to keep really busy and plan stuff for yourself when the children aren’t with you.

[Lorddenning1]

How is everyone getting on, it's nearly been a week for me, quick question apart from the day he moved out (Sunday) I have not shed a single tear, I feel like I'm in a good place, is this normal or is it early days yet?

[TeddyIsaHe]

Lorddenning I found when I split with dd's dad it was the idea of being a single mum that terrified me, the actual reality of it was much, much better. I was like you - cried when it happened and then never again. It's been almost a year now and I have never been happier.

You may find you have slip ups and bad days, but that's expected! It's good that you're doing so well, at least now you know it was the right thing to do.

[Rtmhwales]

@Lorddenning1
I’m a grief counselor so I can say there is no real normal, but don’t be too surprised if the tears hit you out of nowhere and over the smallest things.

I cried endlessly for three days after my husband just walked out and then I got on a plane and went back to my home country and didn’t cry again for nine months. Not even when I found out I was pregnant. I was oddly proud of myself for handling it so well but I broke down two days ago and cried four hours after seemingly being okay. It happens. You think you’re doing okay and then you’re just suddenly not.

Watching this thread with interest. I’m raising my DS 2.5 months old solo, with STBX back in the UK and me abroad. At this point he’s refusing to ever meet his baby so it’ll be very solo. I’m slowly adjusting to this new normal but to be fair, I’ve never had to parent with him. I find the practical stuff okay to deal with, but the emotional consequences cripple me some days.

[twilightsaga]

@unexpectednewstart I too think my ex partners issues stem from his parenting. Makes me happier to know my children won't be exposed to it now in their childhood

[Lorddenning1]

Thank you for your replies, I don't know if I mentioned this but our break up was mutual, I think I would of found it harder if he had walked out on us. They are staying over at his tonight so that's 24 hours of free time that I have never had (I don't mean to brag) I am booked to go for a meal with friends. so far it's all been positive, I'm just worried that it will hit me out the blue and I will be a mess, or I won't and this will make me realise that we made the right decision.

[Lorddenning1]

Ok I was being cocky before, iv have dropped them off and I've cried on the way home :( got home and the house is all quiet, it's normally full of hustle bustle of family life, and I complain that I can't even have a minute, and now iv sat here realising that this will be our life from now on

[Ellen7262]

sorry to hear this.

But don't worry, you will be okay OP. It will take a little time, but you will get there. My ex and I broke up when DD was only 2 months old and god it was difficult to begin with. You will be tired, stressed out, and some nights you will feel lonely. You need box sets, your friends and family, and some self belief. (Cringe I know, but true)

Give yourself time, don't punish yourself if you feel like you're taking too long to adjust, lean on your friends and family for support, and even if it's just starting a thread on MN - when DC goes to bed just distract yourself. You'll get used to it eventually. Xx

[sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea]

I'm 3yrs in to being a single parent, and I promise it does get easier. You work out what helps & develop a routine (my DC were a fair bit older, mind you). Silly things like downloading stories from CBeebies on the iplayer app helped at bedtimes on evenings when I was just absolutely frazzled.

In a lot of ways, I've found it easier being on my own, because I'm not carrying the weight of a difficult relationship, nor do I expect anyone to help me out - I know this is on me, so there's no resentment that 'FFS, could you not at LEAST have done this???'

You'll have bad days, we all do. I won't lie, the Christmas they spent with their dad, I closed the door behind them as they left, fell to the floor and HOWLED like an animal. I couldn't control the noises that came out of me. It was awful. But I survived it. So will you.

Two things that might sound silly, but have really helped me, especially in the evenings - firstly, podcasts. It's oddly reassuring to have another adult voice murmuring away in the background, even if you're not really listening to them. Secondly, online surveys. Seriously. You get paid for doing them (usually in cash or amazon vouchers), it takes up your time, and it pays for my DC's Christmas & birthday presents every year. It takes up your time, without needing any emotional energy.

to all of us doing this. It is hard in some ways, easier in others, it's not what we would have planned, but here we are, doing it. Online friends have been my absolute salvation.

[sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea]

@Lorddenning1 I always feel that. The time to myself that I long for ends up feeling like someone's thrown a snake in my lap and told me to entertain it for a few days. What works for me is forcing myself into some kind of routine - so I'll say to myself 'tomorrow you're going to this place, and you need to be there for ten, so you MUST get up at eight to have a shower, get dressed, etc'. Otherwise I just sit around the house doing bugger all, and get a bit overwhelmed by the emptiness.

Sending hugs. There's no silence like a house without them.

[sittingonacornflake]

I am definitely finding keeping busy helps. So I'm reaching out to old friends that I had admittedly neglected whilst my relationship was breaking down and making all sorts of plans to see people. I then write it in my calendar along with baby groups etc so I can look at the month ahead and not see a vast number of empty days but actually lots of activities and lovely people to look forward to seeing.

In addition I've decided to redecorate a number of rooms in the house. I'm starting with the bedroom and bought new blinds and curtains today which will be put up next week and then I am going to buy paint, some nice bits for the walls and all new bedding. I can't wait to make that room totally mine and I'm hoping I will smile every time I go in there.

I've also got plans but maybe in a year or so to turn the office into a dedicated play room for the little one. It's a room I previously wasn't allowed in, even when I worked from home 2 days a week I had to work at the dining table, so at the moment I am enjoying having my laptop in there and then I will enjoy transforming it for my little one (which will in turn give me the lounge and dining room back as they currently are toy / baby apparatus central).

All of that positivity aside though, I do still have bad moments. Usually when I see exDP. I'd quite like him to up and leave as that would be easier. He's not bothering to see his baby much anyway (in a week and a bit he's seen him for the grand total of 10 minutes). Who knows what will happen there.

But finally, Mumsnet. Ahhh how Mumsnet helps. Sometimes joining in on threads, sometimes just reading AIBU and having a giggle. This thread particularly is very supportive and I hope it brings support to others going through a similar situation.

[Lorddenning1]

I don't know if anyone is still reading this thread but I'm really struggling today, it's nearly been 2 weeks since we split and up to now iv been ok but its really hit me today that I'm a single mum to 2 children and it's all on me. I just feel a little overwhelmed by it all. I still think it's the right decision and there is no going back but I feel like shit, my head is muddled and I have no enthusiasm and I just feel really low. Please tell me this is normal and phase that I'm going through, it's also not helping that I'm skint until universal credits kick in, so there is no money to take the kids out etc I know this is temp but it's adding to my misery, and today nursery rang to say the little one is not well could I go and get him, I don't have a lot of holidays left as it is and iv got him home and he is running around absolutely fine :(
Hand hold please :(

[unexpectednewstart]

Sorry you're feeling low today Lorddenning1 It's daunting, isn't it. I've started worrying about what happens if I get ill or lose my job. I never used to worry about that kind of thing but I now feel very exposed. I think it's natural for our emotions to be up and down, and I guess it will get easier with time. Is your work/manager aware of your change in circumstances?

[Lorddenning1]

Hi @unexpectednewstart that's exactly what is crippling me at the minute, the fact that it's just me and no one else :( and the fact I have no money. My boss knows but she is hardly the most sympathetic person but to be fair she has been ok up to now.
I just want to crawl under the covers and wallow for a bit :(

Also just to add a bit of a back story as a realise iv commented on the original thread quote early on and given advice about being a single parent. Me and ex were together for around 2 yrs before we had our DS, when he was 2 we split for a year and a half, so I was a single mum back then, we got back together and 2 yrs later we had DS2, I'm now a single mum to 2, so you would think I would know what to expect but it feels different this time :(