How do you adjust to life as a lone parent?

[sittingonacornflake]

So I'm a bit of an emotional wreck and relying quite heavily on my MN crutch at the moment.

DP is moving out this weekend so I will be a lone parent to our baby. I'm a FTM and although I had thought I'd be doing quite well the reality is I'm hugely anxious since having had our baby and I'm so so so so scared of being the only adult in the house and having sole responsibility for him.

Any tips on how to adjust to life from being in a relationship to suddenly being a lone parent?

How do you cope with the evenings when baby has gone to bed? I'm so scared about how lonely I'll be.

What do you do over night if baby becomes unwell or you're unsure of anything?

How do you find happiness again?

[babygoose48]

I hope this brings along a spark of hope for you.

I was in a relationship since my teens and when DD was 18 month old I found my value and decided to leave (emotionally abusive).

I was absolutely petrified, scared of loneliness, doing it all independently on my own etc. I tried to leave then chickened out then It took me a year to go for good. And then I realised that my fears were paper tigers.

I must have embarked upon the best year of my life following.

The independence I found inside me as a strong single mother was exhilarating. I remember listening to podcasts by a guy called Joseph Clough, some life-coaching stuff, but it really put the confidence in me and I felt unstoppable after that. Every decision was my own, every project I found was my own. And the peace I had resting my head on the pillow at night on my own? I fell asleep with a smile on my face, knowing the next day was a blank and unwritten page of my life and I had all the power in the world to write what the hell I wanted to write! That pain got me where I needed to be. Best decision I ever made.

Now Im in another relationship 4 years down the line and I look back and envy it!

Embrace the loneliness, it forces you to spend time with yourself and get to really know your needs. Its a great teacher. Get your head down, adjust through the next few months, you'll come out beaming on the other side, I promise :)

[babygoose48]

Just to mention as well, I had absolutely nothing to my name but a toddler, a cat, and a washing machine (that he didn't let me have for three months!!)

No home, no car, no savings.

When I finally got my home... I had car seats in my living room that I used as chairs for 6 months!!!

All worth it for the pride I feel by battling through it today. Much love to you x

[Beaverhausen]

I enjoyed my evenings on my own no man to pander too, no man wanting nookie all the time, I could watch whatever I wanted too on Tele, cook whatever I fancied. Me time 😊

[unexpectednewstart]

How are you doing today Lorddenning1?

[Irinn]

I know how it might sound, but I'm dreaming about my husband to move out and so I could stay just with our son. We are having lots of troubles in relations and I'm seriously considering divorce.

Anyway, I'm sorry for your situation and what I want to say here is that before I got to this stage where I'm enjoying absence of my husband at home, I was in position where I had no idea what to do without him. *also should add that I'm not from England, have nobody here apart of my DH and DS and moved here quite recently.
My DH has a terrible habit - when we are fighting, he instead of apologize and fix it immediately, going out... Meet his friend, getting drunk like a pig, coming back (if) at 2-3am. All that of course without letting me know anything. He even celebrated New Year without me.
So, getting to the point: I had no idea what to do. All day Im with baby, in the evening baby goes to sleep and thats it. I'm on my own, no appetite, dont want to do anything and so on. But I throw all that mess out of my head and looked at things under different angle.
You should do the same. Its difficult now when baby is small, but it will be better later. Lots of women are single parents and its ok. Your priority is your baby and your baby needs to have a happy mom. Think about what is interesting for you, what can involve you, so you wont be just hanging around in your misery and waiting when the night will pass.

I started going to the gym, if I cant go to the gym, I do workouts at home (got an app on phone). Because instead of eating chocolate ice cream and cry, I'll better be healthy and beautiful.

Im almost finished with movies, started reading more books. Entertaining and also kids related (you need these to know what to do with the kid. Also found them better than mom's forums).

Im also doing French language course online. Wanted to to it long time ago, started few times earlier, so now instead of staring into TV with my DH, I'm doing something useful for myself. Also going to find few online courses work-related.

Eat well. Learn how to cook some new healthy dishes. Youll need that for your kid as well anyway.

Find some moms meet ups in your area. It might be good for you to meet other moms and have a chat over a cup of coffee, lunch, etc.

Take care of yourself. Find out about some hair/facial/nails/body treatments which you can do at home. It works with everyone, if you look beautiful, you'll feel beautiful and happy.

Also I was doing paintings when DS was smaller and couldnt get to paints and brushes.

Find what fits you. And just do it. Even if you dont want, go and do. Make it your habit.
Also think about what you was doing in the evening when you was single. Of course you cant go out as much as did (if you did), but staying at home alone was ok, right? You had what to do. So its the same now, just in addition you have an amazing baby, who will be your companion for whole life. I'm thinking about that and I couldnt be more happy. Partners come and go, and its always for good.

How old is your baby?

[sittingonacornflake]

@Lorddenning1 sorry to hear you are struggling. I think it's completely normal to have ups and downs and hopefully you are back on the up again now. In terms of finances, I too am waiting for universal credit - I've not needed it as I'm using savings this month to pay bills but do you know you can apply for an advance and then pay it back slowly over the course of I think 12 months? Might be worth it for some spending money so you can treat DC - I know I've treated myself and my DC to a few treats recently and it's cheered me right up.

@Irinn what a lovely post. And you're so right. I think in the initial pain and despair I couldn't see anything but the hurt I was experiencing. But something has clicked with me now and with the support of friends and family I'm feeling much happier. I've started decorating the house so shopping for paint and of course the decorating is keeping me really occupied. I'm also trying to say yes if I get invited to go anywhere / do anything. If me and the baby (7mo) can go then we will! We've even been to a fitness class together this week which was great!

[sittingonacornflake]

@babygoose48 - laughing at the image of you, your toddler and your cat on a car seat each

[Lorddenning1]

Good evening ladies I'm feeling a lot better with things at the minute, a lot more positive, I'm not even analysing now I feel any more I'm just going along with it. Ex is being a shit at the minute over maintenance and what days to have the children etc, he says he finds them hard work, join the club. My focus on the minute is just making sure my children are happy, he can take a run and jump for all's I care, I'm not even rising.
I got some exciting news at the weekend regarding a possible career change, something that I have always wanted to do and I may be getting a rare opportunity to train, but I'm a little bit worried about how I will manage a demanding job with 2 kiddies and being a single parent, I just need a little bit of faith in myself.
I hope all you ladies are keeping well and enjoying your Sunday night before the madnes of a new week starts

[sittingonacornflake]

@Lorddenning1 as one door closes another one opens eh?! How exciting a possible career change. And you'll manage, you will just make it happen

Glad you're doing better. It's so bloody horrid those first few days / weeks isn't it and then suddenly - boom. Actually this is ok, life can be good and exes can piss off. It's a shame he's being a shit about maintenance and contact but so long as you don't rely on him and assume you have to do it all yourself then any bit of help you get from him can only be seen as a bonus

[Lorddenning1]

@sittingonacornflake that is a good way to look at it, if I don't rely on him at all then anything extra is a bonus.
Iv done a bad thing tonight though :( just when I thought it was all going ok, I went on the laptop to do some things and I click on my Facebook but he was logged in, so I had a little nosey and read his messages :( there are 4 from different girls 2 I know, 1 is his ex ex and another who I don't know, he is saying the same thing to all of them about me, how am controlling and he was only with me for the kids yada yada and he seems to be flirting with them, it's like he has just copied and pasted some sentences. I feel a bit weird about reading this and I know I defo should not of done it. I feel a little hurt that he could be so dismissive of our nearly 10 year relationship and 2 kids and that he is moving on quite quick, but I don't feel jealous and want him back, am I explaining this very well :( anyways back to the grind tomorrow is a new day.

[sittingonacornflake]

@Lorddenning1 don't blame you for having a snoop. I'd have done the same. In fact, I'd probably keep it logged in and keep snooping but then I've never had much self control

I can understand the hurt of it feeling like he has so easily dismissed your relationship, however, IME people often flirt with / throw themselves at someone else in an attempt to distract and to try to move on, before eventually realising it doesn't work and actually all it takes is time.

I saw ex today. He's not doing so well actually. Told me he misses family life and loves and misses me. A few weeks ago I'd have been in tears at that. Today? Couldn't think of a response other than 'mmmm. Right, I must be getting on'. He doesn't truly miss me, or love me, he just thinks he does because life is a bit shite now. But if we got back together we'd be back to being miserable sods again. But I think he's looking for a 'quick fix' and instead of giving himself time to adjust to our new life apart he's running scared of the pain he has to go through to get out the other end and be happy. Or maybe I'm just talking late night bollocks

[purpleme12]

Hi. Can I join in? I split up 2 months ago. Feeling really lonely. Hate being by myself. I don't have a support network.

[Ellen7262]

Feeling v. lonely tonight. Just had a few days away with family for a family event and tonight I've got back and I'm just...feeling sad.

[sittingonacornflake]

@purpleme12 and @Ellen7262 hi both. Sorry to hear you're feeling lonely. We are here to chat if that helps!

Oh this might cheer you up too. So I'm really really trying to make an effort in getting out and about and meeting people so I've been taking my baby to mum and baby exercise classes and tried our first play group this week. Now I am NOT a natural socialiser and I'm so shy but at this week's play group I thought 'I'm just going to do it. I'm going to plonk myself down at the table over there with all the mums and just introduce myself.'

Except I didn't realise 1 of the moms I'd already met the week before and she looked at me gone out when I introduced myself to her and I must have looked so rude - bugger!!

[Lorddenning1]

@sittingonacornflake - you are not talking rubbish you are actually quite wise. I agree with you, it sounds like he is going through a shit time and saying he misses you, when in actual fact he needs more time, way to stay strong though OP, you are not responsible for his feelings anymore, you have your own to deal with.
Him talking to his ex is really bothering me today, they have swapped numbers now so the conversation will now move to texting, so off facebook thank god. I dont know why I feel weird about it, so he moves on, its nothing to do with me, i dont want him back, its just threw me, he gets to move out and have no responsibilities, do what he wants, date who he wants, all the while he can bad mouth me to everyone, while im sat on own with the kids, paying for everything and dealing with it all on my own, i feel like he gets to just walk away and leave it all to me. I dont want him back and i think its right we split, but does he have to be so fucking brutal about it.
Im also imagining the worst case scenario now like they will move in together, what if they have kids, what if he stops seeing his kids. im driving myself crazy with stuff that may or may not happen, im going to ring my Councillor friend tonight for a chat as a have a bad case of anxiety and i need to find a way to deal with it. than you for letting me rant......

[Lorddenning1]

I have read this and its helped lots

www.laurayates.org/blog/if-youre-struggling-because-your-ex-has-moved-on-read-this

[unexpectednewstart]

But you get the kids Lorddenning1 , so he's the loser in this. In the short term our kids don't understand what we're doing for them, but in the long term they will.

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

I have so many fond memories of my single-parent evenings.

It's best to fill them with your favourite hobbies, and fun stuff that you can tell yourself is useful (ie, baking).

Watch the crappiest telly! Read in the bath. Do beauty treatments. Paint pots for your garden. Paint a bench. Redecorate. Paint pictures. Do 1000 sit-ups, or exercise videos on YouTube.

Call your friends. Start a book club. Write a terrible romance novel. Write a good romance novel.

Don't feel disheartened if you can't think of anything you want to do yet - you're still in the shock/misery stage. But you'll get there.

[unexpectednewstart]

I'd just blame it on baby brain sittingonacornflake I doubt the other Mum minded.

How are you finding getting out and about with the baby? I have a small one too and I find it very hard being with other mums talking about their rosy family life when I'm on my own.

It's an odd time to be on your own as people assume you have a partner around when you have such a small baby. I'm finding it hard to get my head round being on my own for the foreseeable future. Deep down I know I need to recover from my marriage breakdown and get happy in myself, but its hard to picture coping like this for several years.

[Eesha]

I am on my own with two kids following an abusive relationship and can say that you do manage somehow but it is really hard. I just try and focus on myself where I have control, ie health, diet etc, and somehow each day gets a little bit better. It's so much easier than being scared all the time like I was before.

I have recently got into online dating as an ego boost as my ex had easily met lots of women post me. I do find I risk easily emotionally investing a lot early on (which I'm working to fix), so this has made me appreciate my singledom even more. Try and enjoy focussing on yourself

[unexpectednewstart]

Hello ladies

How are you doing?

I saw the solicitor this week and am keen to get the D process going (can't bring myself to say the actual word) but spoke to my ex last night and he's in such a bad way, I'm not sure how I can. I want all our finances sorted so I'm set up and know how I'm going to cope, but feel like such a bitch that I want to do the legal bit. It's ridiculous really because our split is entirely due to his behaviour.

I'm also struggling with my mother in law. She seems to expect me to set up contact for her and the kids. My ex agrees it's his responsibility but our youngest is still exclusively BF and I don't want to leave him so I'll have to see my MIL so she can see the baby. I've always struggled with her but since the split I find myself very angry with her for the way my ex's upbringing contributed to the breakdown of our relationship. I really want to tell her to F off but that's not the best for the kids. Grrrr.

[Lorddenning1]

@unexpectednewstart sorry your having a bad time of it at the min, I'm also not coping very well :(
All was going ok until I read his messages to another girl, the first lot were ok and I wasn't that upset but then a week later I read some more and they were really bad, think I can't wait to see you and I miss you I want to give you a big kiss, this sent my a bit backwards with how I was handling everything.
I feel like he gets to walk away and leave me to raising our kids alone while he has fun.
I confronted him last night as we had a row and he told me she makes him happy and they have already slept together,,,, to say I'm gutted is an understatement, I feel like someone has pounched me in the stomach. I can't eat and can't sleep, I keep picturing them together. I'm so upset, he has rang today to apologise to me and has give me the big speech about how we weren't happy and haven't been for a long time, which I agree but I'm so upset I can't stop crying. I'm pathetic, I feel like I was a bit depressed and now this has tipped me over the edge, I have been to the doctors and have been given some antidepressants and on a waiting list for some counselling and I have been signed off work for a bit, so a bit of a hand hold please

[unexpectednewstart]

Hi Lorddenning1
Sorry you're having a tough time too. I read somewhere recently, perhaps on this thread, that people who leap straight into new relationships/hookups are trying to feel a void inside and are likely to go on and make the same mistakes.

Much better to build on your own strength on your own as you are doing. You're more likely to find a stable happiness in the future that way. It sounds like you're doing the right thing in finding help. I'm still on Maternity leave so luckily have the space to work through my emotions without having to be signed off.

You'll get there, we'll get there! It's just a long slog to rebuild isn't it?

[sittingonacornflake]

@unexpectednewstart and @Lorddenning1 sending  and  to both of you.

@Lorddenning1 good on you for going to see your GP and getting some help. I think counselling, once you've got it, will make a huge difference.

I'm doing ok but then DS sleep is SO bad at the moment I feel I don't have too much time to concentrate on much other than sleep!

[sittingonacornflake]

Hmmmm. There were flowers and wine pictures in my post before I clicked send...