How do you adjust to life as a lone parent?

[sittingonacornflake]

So I'm a bit of an emotional wreck and relying quite heavily on my MN crutch at the moment.

DP is moving out this weekend so I will be a lone parent to our baby. I'm a FTM and although I had thought I'd be doing quite well the reality is I'm hugely anxious since having had our baby and I'm so so so so scared of being the only adult in the house and having sole responsibility for him.

Any tips on how to adjust to life from being in a relationship to suddenly being a lone parent?

How do you cope with the evenings when baby has gone to bed? I'm so scared about how lonely I'll be.

What do you do over night if baby becomes unwell or you're unsure of anything?

How do you find happiness again?

I was lucky enough to have friends who invited me to everything and I forced myself to go. Almost 3 years on I love my time alone and feel very liberated (and also that I'm living my best feminist life if that doesn't sound too weird). It's hard and tiring sometimes, DD has ADHD and never stops talking so it's very important to get some quiet time. We've just been on a three week holiday to Italy with a friend and her daughter and it was wonderful and I didn't have a single pang for my ex and my old life as my new one is better.

I’ve been a single parent for five years now. The first year was the toughest, but now five years on I like the situation I’m in. Im lucky that I have a job with a well above average salary and plenty of flexibility, but until by child started school I worked very part time to save money on child care and it was a bit hand to mouth a lot of the time.

My child’s father was the shouty, emotionally abusive manchild type so getting rid of him was a relief.

The evenings can be lonely, yes. I used to invite friends round every now and then, use the internet as a means to chat to people (like mumsnet), and I also joined a local single parents FB group through which I made a few single parent friends. I went to every single baby group I could find to make mum friends, luckily there are some free ones round here so I had something to do almost every day.

Make sure you get your rest - although you might not want to give your baby up for contact to your exDP right now, actually this is your opportunity to get a few hours’ rest. You need some rest to keep yourself going.

@Lorddenning1 thank you for sharing. It's incredible how much of your post rang true with me. I'm sorry you're going through this too

@NotTheFordType sorry first time mum!

Thank you all for the helpful tips. I guess evenings are always going to be the hardest whilst I'm confined to the house. At least bake off starts next week.

To keep myself occupied and I'm going to do up the house room to room, giving them a fresh coat of paint and a spruce up, I think that should keep me busy for a while and make my house lovely, can't wait for bake off

@Lorddenning1 another bake off fan! My mom is going to be coming to mine every Tuesday evening to watch it with me so I thought I'd spend Monday nights baking a little treat for us to enjoy during the programme. That will keep me busy 2 nights and maybe a third night researching small 2 people recipes

Perhaps write yourself a list of things you can do so if you are having a lost moment you can refer to it and try and snap out of it! Other suggestions, watch a movie (but actually watch it, put your phone away and enjoy the film), cooking, take a lovely long bath with salts and candles etc , house work, nothing wrong with having a drink but just avoid multiple drinks!

I was alone with DD from the first night she was born.

I had a t.v in my bedroom & co-slept with DD. We would both go to bed at 7pm, I know that sounds boring & sad, but the house was absolutely freezing. 6 degrees in the bathroom & about 15 degrees elsewhere.

So I used to watch t.v, breastfeed and mumsnet!

I did that for 2 years, every single night but I was so exhausted, with work I didnt mind. DD didnt have her own room until she was 3, when we moved to a proper house!

You will be fine, you are your own boss - do what you want.

Definately keep a bowl in the room, in case of sickness. Mobile charged. Local hospital number on phone. Local out of hours G.P or health centre hours & number.

A 2 litre bottle of value water (about 21p in Tesco) in case the water goes off.

Medication for both of you. Especially when baby is teething.

If you can, start putting £10 a month away for next Xmas & really treat you & baby to a big food shop. Also try & save maybe £20 a month for a weekend away next summer. Hoseasons have been great for DD & I.

Its nice to have goals and things to look forward to.

You will get through this. I promise you. I have never had a minutes help.

Be proud of yourself.

@StorminaTCut thank you - your post made me quite excited! I've had a look at Hoseasons as I love the idea of some time away just me and the baby. At what age did you start taking your DD away?

With your ex be having/seeing the kids at all?

impressive that on your very first evening after your ex moved out you did some gardening! And then not long after dealt with a (friendly but uninvited) dog bounding in! I would have been .

I have anxiety and try to do self care stuff - good eating, sleep (if possible with a little one!), exercise (eg walk or yoga online). And occasionally seek professional help when have had “flare ups” and self care isn’t enough.

I really like Pinterest, have lots of ideas of little projects, home improvements, things to do, on there. May never do many of them, but still enjoyable!

Can I join your thread please sittingonacornflake? I am also trying to adjust to being a lone parent, I have a toddler and a small baby. Thanks to the other posters for stories of how they got through. I know it will be worth it but it's a hard slog at the moment.

@unexpectednewstart how long have you been single? My Ex is moving out tomorrow

Lorddenning1 I am not sure I'm ready to use that big word 'single'! I've been on my own for about 2 months and have been on survival mode as my youngest is very small and still exclusively bf. Ex is having contact in the house so he can bond with baby and to minimise disruption for toddler. I know this is best for the kids for the moment but it's proving increasingly difficult for me. Our relationship was on the surface very good but I discovered some dark lies several months ago which are too big to overcome. It's hard to get my head round everything as the truth is still a shock and when ex is here it feels like our old happy family.

Ps good luck with tomorrow. Keep posting.

I was you 3 years ago.
The week before he moved out was one of the worst of my life even though it was me pushing for it.
Once he was gone though the relief was tremendous.
I had a good support network of friends luckily and although I haven't had a single night off in that time am rarely bored or lonely thanks to facebook, mumsnet, phone calls and slowly developing some hobbies.
Getting out of the house during the day is important and trusting yourself. Don't let people pressure you into e.g. leaving the kids with friends to have time off if you don't to, or being with the kids 24/7 if you need a break.
Either is fine. It's ok to hole up. It's ok to be super active to deal with it all. It's ok to feel fine now but collapse in 6 months. Or never.
You can do this. Just take time to figure it out one step at a time.
You are going to suprise yourself with how you cope

Thank you @Wilhamenawonka I'm having a bit of a wobbler tonight as it's last night he will be here and the last time we will all be under the same roof as a family, we haven't argued and have been getting on ok, which I think it's what's making it worse, it's like the old times but that might be because the pressure is off. Is 100% the right decision but it's very hard at the minute, I've just taken myself away for a bath and a cry. I just feel sorry for my kids as they didn't ask for this, I planned to have them and I feel like I have let them down as they haven't asked to be born.

There are so many people here who can relate to this.
It's hugely painful to give up on the dream of it working
I've got no idea what the next few days/month's etc hold for you but I do know that you can cope and get through it. You are strong enough even though you may not feel like it
Good luck for tomorrow

OP you sound lovely. I hope your days have started to get a little lighter. I haven’t yet had my baby and I too am going to be a FTM. The biological father and I have been split up for the majority of the pregnancy and I’ve struggled to let him back into my life because I’m petrified of him being a part of my little family and then abandoning me again.

You are definitely stronger than you think and each day that goes by that you care for your little boy is a massive accomplishment. Making time to do things for yourself if essential and I hope you have some support IRL to be able to get some rest and you time.

I know what you mean about the loneliness, having him in my house/company for the last few months and then not really leaves a bit gap. I got some lovely and very expensive candles and chocolates today and am resting up enjoying my Saturday night. You deserve a treat too!

Thank you @Wilhamenawonka I have to keep reminding myself that although I feel guilty because of the kids, it's for them that we are ending it, we don't want to mess them up.

I think it helps if you try and remember that there are no perfect options here when you feel guilty.
Yes the ideal is for everyone in a family to be together, and for the family to be cohesive and happy and well functioning.
But for you and me that wasn't the reality.

Yes my children were upset and affected by their parents breaking up. They still are and want us to get back together. It beaks my heart to see it.
BUT the life we live now is far less damaging than how it would have been if their parents had stayed together.
I wish so much that i could have given them that perfect situation but I couldn't and so I do they best for them that I can.
And they are truly thriving now and have a brilliant relationship with both their parents

@Lorddenning1 - thinking of you today. I hope it goes as well as can be expected. This thread will be around if you fancy a chat tonight

So I met some friends for lunch yesterday and the difference in how I felt was incredible. They've all rallied round me and are coming to stay over night in a few weeks (on air beds downstairs bless them!) so I can have a night with friends but still be at home to look after my baby. They are gems.

Also just had a nice lazy Sunday morning just me and the baby. It IS better without exDP here - can totally relax. As hard as the evenings are I have to remember that.

I am a lone parent to 4. Ages 7, 6 , 4 and 15 months. Have been so since pregnant with my youngest. Its hard but you just get on with it. I would say your a single parent though rather than a lone parent, A lone parent means the other parent isnt involved at all. So absent. I take it your ex will still have involvement with your baby?

Sittingonacornflake glad you have good friends around you. It's a bit of a cliche but I am so appreciative of my family and friends' support. Once I'm through the initial chaos, my focus is going to be on being an equally good friend and family member in return. Echoing what somebody else said upthread, I need to be strong in myself before considering another partner. It feels like that will be a long long way down the road as my children are so small that I can't imagine having more than the odd hour to myself (and at home) for a while.

I've decided to go ahead with divorce proceedings and just sent an email to the solicitor. Strangely I feel ready for that stage, but not ready to tell people outside my close circle what's going on.

Thinking of you lorddening1

Well what a hard day today has been, I feel so emotionally drained. He has gone now so it's just me and the kids, I've been to my mum and dads as I could not watch him leave, I feel like one minute I'm ok and the next minute I burst out crying. The kids have been ok, the baby hasn't known any difference but I did expect my 7 year old to get upset but he was fine, I think that would of tipped me over the edge. They are now in bed and I have just finished changing my bedding and had a hot shower, going to watch Netflix and go to bed myself, I hope the baby doesn't wake up in the night :( so it's official now I'm a single mum to 2 kids wish me luck everyone