How do you adjust to life as a lone parent?

[sittingonacornflake]

So I'm a bit of an emotional wreck and relying quite heavily on my MN crutch at the moment.

DP is moving out this weekend so I will be a lone parent to our baby. I'm a FTM and although I had thought I'd be doing quite well the reality is I'm hugely anxious since having had our baby and I'm so so so so scared of being the only adult in the house and having sole responsibility for him.

Any tips on how to adjust to life from being in a relationship to suddenly being a lone parent?

How do you cope with the evenings when baby has gone to bed? I'm so scared about how lonely I'll be.

What do you do over night if baby becomes unwell or you're unsure of anything?

How do you find happiness again?

[Lorddenning1]

How is everyone getting on :) can you believe it's nearly been a year since this thread, it only seems like yesterday that the split happened but it's been a whole year 😳

@sittingonacornflake@unexpectednewstart How are you both, I haven't heard from you in a while, u take it things are going well for you both xx

[sittingonacornflake]

Yesss! I've been looking for this thread for AGES but I haven't been able to find it anywhere! Thank you for posting!

Yes I know nearly a whole year. And what a year it's been. Looking back on how distraught and 'my life is over' I felt and now the opposite is true! Life is good!

How are you?

[Lorddenning1]

@sittingonacornflake - :) I couldnt see it at first, but my life is so much better than i ever thought it could be, im so happy :).
me and new guy are still together and going strong, we have just come back from our first ever family holiday, with my children and his, who all get on well together so thats a bonus. we are looking at moving in together next year or so, and are also going to extend his house so we all fit in :) there has even been talks of getting married in the future.
Ex is being horrible, he stopped paying maintenance, quit his job and went through a depressive stage. he is now back at work and im claiming CSA. He is no longer allowed in my house as he was quite verbally abusive to me and i have now put boundaries in place to protect myself. now that i have met some one decent, i now realise how badly treated i was by my ex and what a waste of space he is.

how are you getting on, hows work and baby, did u get anywhere with new guy?

@unexpectednewstart - are you ok, not heard from u in a while xx

[sittingonacornflake]

@Lorddenning1 that's amazing I'm so pleased for you! Where did you go on holiday?

Little mr not such a baby anymore is ace. Growing so quickly. I'm loving work. Although it can be difficult doing my role in 3 days a week it's so worth it for the work life balance. Things are great there.

And still with new guy! Things are nice. Nothing serious and we don't see each other all that much due to the distance but we talk most days. I enjoy the companionship if nothing else!

[Lorddenning1]

Good afternoon Ladies.

How are we all getting on? @sittingonacornflake @Layza86 @nevernotstruggling @unexpectednewstart

Things are still going good for me and the children, we are all so much happier these days :) me and the fella are still going strong and we are now starting to be a little team with our 3 children, we go out for days out and refer to the children as "our 3" its cute really. some days its hard to rally round after 2 children and work full time and do everything yourself, cook, clean, homework etc but my fella offers to help me, at first i didnt allow him to help me as i was used to doing everything on my own, but slowly i start to accept him help and it feels nice :)

Update on the ex situation - around July he was involved in a serious car accident while he was at work, and i mean very serious, he had to be cut out of his vehicle and air lifted to hospital, the doctor has said he is very lucky to be alive. this accident really upset me and i was surprised that i cried over his injuries. I tried to wipe the slate clean with him and forget about everything but whilst in hospital he turned very bitter towards me, the worst he has ever been. so it got to a point where he was blocked on everything and communication regarding the children, went through his girlfriend.
Anyways he is back home now and a lot happier but has been given the terrible news that he will never walk again :( this has knocked him for 6 and he is trying to stay positive, as in his own words "he gets to see his boys grow up"
I still feel really sorry for him, as i know we didn't get along but i wouldn't wish this on anyone, he will never be able to kick a ball with the boys ever again :(
so again i have made the decision to lay off him and try to make things easier for him, eg dropping and picking the kids up so he can see them etc.

how are you ladies getting on?

[sittingonacornflake]

@Lorddenning1 why hello!! So lovely to have a tag from you. It's like hearing from an old friend

Wow, I'm so pleased things are going well for you and new fella. It seems like you've got things ticking along very nice and you're all clicking as a new family unit which is amazing. I would love that.

But oh my GOODNESS! Your poor ex. I felt really emotional reading your update. That's heartbreaking. I can't imagine how he is feeling. I mean amazing that he survived but to be told you'll never walk again, I just couldn't process that. How have your kids taken the news? Well done you for cutting him some slack, I bet he needs all the support he can get right now.

Things are.... maybe less good for me I suppose. I ended things with new fella, just a couple of days ago actually. We just weren't really seeing each other much and I felt distinctly unimportant and it wasn't nice. I mean he's a lovely guy and I adore his company but the amount of time spent feeling lonely because we barely saw each other compared to feeling good when we together wasn't sitting right for me. He was sad but understood and we are going to try and be friends. I don't want to lose him but sadly we don't work as a relationship.

But you know what, life with a toddler and working is busy enough so I'm good! Once I get over the initial sadness of the break up I'll be fine.

Oh and my ex (ex I guess), 'dad of the year' stopped paying maintenance so I had to make a CMS application and there's a 2 bloody month wait for my first payment so that's fun in the run up Christmas. Plus side - he has to pay more than our private arrangement. Ha!

[Lorddenning1]

Hi @sittingonacornflake it's nice to keep this thread going I think 
Sorry to hear about your break up, I think u deserve to be happy and I'm glad u listened to ur gut and decided it wasn't right for you, after all life is too short to be with the wrong person, we should know. Now it has ended u can open yourself to someone who is better suited to you, obviously your focus is on yourself and ur son but who knows what the future holds for you both :)

I wonder how @unexpectednewstart is getting on, I don't think she comes here anymore or she might if changed her name.
My ex stopped paying maintenance also and I did a CSA claim, he had to pay £6 a week less but at least he is paying it now. I do feel really bad for him and he confides in me a lot these days as he doesn't have anyone else to talk to as he is having problems with his new girlfriend. In a nutshell she is blaming him for how her life is turning out, she has had to quit uni to care for him and her mental health has taken a bit of a dive, its a lot to add to a relationship that is new, I do feel for the pair of them, even though me and his GF are not on great terms at the min (she rang me up effing and blinding at me over something I was discussing with the ex) totally out of order but she is under a lot is stress, we are never going to be best friends are we.
My new fella helps with the visits and drops them off and picks them up to sometimes when there has been tension.
The only thing I'm struggling with at the minute is, this accident has made me care about my ex again, but not in a "I want you back" way but more like I care for a family member, I'm trying to not let it affect me and my new relationship but when we get on, it reminds me of the good old days, this is normal right?

[unexpectednewstart]

Happy new year ladies! @Lorddenning1 @sittingonacornflake

Sorry I haven't commented for a long time. I forgot my password and kept forgetting to reset it. I haven't been on mumsnet much at all since I went back to work in the Spring and I think that's been good for my mental - small chats like this are great, but there are so many other dramas to get sucked into!

I am generally okay. I have survived the return to work and managed to reduce my hours to four days which has helped. Colleagues are very supportive and don't seem to mind/notice that I am not pulling my full weight.

The divorce is through, the house is mine (well and the bank's!) but the criminal investigation into my ex is ongoing. It is so frustrating because I can't move on fully until I get closure on that. He is out of work, paying me minimal maintenance (£30 a month for two kids!!) whilst sitting on a large lump sum payment from the divorce. His savings for the future apparently, not for paying for his own kids now. Grrrr. The system is totally flawed.

Things are good with my man. Lots of chemistry, get emotional and practical support and very kind. I sometimes worry that we won't have enough in common once the shit has passed in both our lives, but the future is so unpredictable that I am trying to sit tight and just enjoy things as they are.

Mentally/ emotionally I am not so great. I am being treated by ptsd symptons related to my ex being arrested and me being left on my own with such small children. I found a good therapist just before Christmas though so I am hopeful things will improve this year.

Amazing that we are 15-18 months on and still standing, eh! Hope you are both well and had a good Christmas.

[unexpectednewstart]

PS I didn't realise our thread had become a mumsnet classic!

[Lorddenning1]

@unexpectednewstart Welcome back and Happy new year xx

New fella???? Omg so happy for you, where did u meet him, has he met the children yet, does your ex know about it him,,, sorry for all the questions but I was so happy so see your name pop up again :)

[sittingonacornflake]

@unexpectednewstart @Lorddenning1

Hi both! How are we doing? I'm full of cold today and making the most of DS' nap to lie on the sofa watching Netflix and feeling sorry for myself!

@unexpectednewstart I was pleased to read your recent update. Sounds like things are mostly moving on well for you and I hope your therapy goes well! Do tell us all about your new bloke!!!

@Lorddenning1 how's things going with you? How is your ex's recovery going after his accident ?

Things are plodding along here. I'm getting some work done in the garden in the next couple of weeks which will give me a huge amount of safe space for DS to play in and I can't wait! I have an enormously hilly garden on multiple levels in an enormous state of disrepair so most of it is completely out of bounds as it's so dangerous. This is going to really be amazing for us. And it should maximise the use of the part of the garden that has a sea view so that will be nice!

Hope to hear from you both soon

[selmabear]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I became a love parent when my DC were 3 and 2 years old. It was very daunting but I pretty much did all the childcare so I just tried carrying on as normal as best I could. It does take some time to adjust but it gets easier every single day.

[Lorddenning1]

@selmabear thanks
For your comments, this thread is a year old now so we are over the worst of it we now just have to deal with the ex's day to day for the children, I may be just speaking for myself here but I'm defo over my ex now and I'm very happy these days :)

[Lorddenning1]

@sittingonacornflake hello :) it was nice to see my name being mentioned in this post :) I'm good thanks, boring update but everything has settled down these days, even when there is drama, I don't react the way I used to, I'm a lot more calmer these days and mostly grey rock the ex when I need to, the only thing that got my back up recently was him telling our 8 year old that when he is 14 he can go to the courts and ask them can he live with his dad, this was suggested by his girlfriend, grrrr! In the year they have been together they have split up around 5 times so I doubt she will even be around when he is 14.

It's nice to hear you have plans for the summer :) I bet your little one is looking forward to playing on the garden, it's my fave thing to do in the summer, to sit outside all night enjoying the sun, I can't wait too.

How's things with your ex, does he see his son at all x

[Lorddenning1]

@sittingonacornflake and @unexpectednewstart
Hi Ladies :) just thought i would say Hi to you both and see how you are both getting on. Its been 2 years since this thread was posted and i have spent today reading through the whole thing and it brought a little tear to my eye to see how life is so different for me these days :)
@sittingonacornflake - how are things with you, did you get your garden sorted, how is your little man, bet he doesnt seem little anymore :) is the ex still in contact with him.
@unexpectednewstart - glad to see the divorce had come through, and you are happy with your man, is that still going ok? did your ex face prosecution in the end?

I am still with new guy, well he isnt that new anymore :) we are still happy and had a meeting with the architect this weekend to extend the house, so we will have a nice big house to raise all the children in :) oldest is now 9 and youngest is 4 after christmas, they can still be hard work, but thats true of all children. my SD comes to see us every weekend and also 1 night during the week, she is 3 next week and its been really nice to watch this little person grow, and i also love the fact she is a girl as i have bought her a dolls house for her birthday and i really hope she lets me play :) its all nurf guns and poop poop talk in this house. my youngest and SD are really close, they never leave each others side, im glad they get to grow up together.

Ex has now split up with his girlfriend, his accident took its toll on them, she did turn quite vile at the end, and social services were involved as she withheld food and took his key away from him so if there was a fire he wouldnt be able to get out etc, he had to be emergency housed and she was emotionally and verbally abusing him. He has since had some councilling and he has even apologised to me with the way he treated me and thanked me lots for looking after the children and he realised how much of a good person i was and that i did not deserved it. i have waited so long to hear this from him and when he finally did say it, it meant nothing to me, this just showed how much i have moved on from 2 years ago. He is now living on his own in a 2 bedroom flat that has been adapted for his needs, he can walk now, which is a miracle, but he does have a limp and cannot walk very far.
He moved into the flat with a tv and hospital bed, nothing else, so i know it shouldnt be my problem, but me and my fella have helped him set it up, with furniture and curtains and carpets etc. i felt like i owed it to him to help him for the kids sake, i know this sounds mental after everything he has done or said to me. My fella is ok with this and understands its for the children, which makes me love him even more.
I take him to the supermarket once a week and help him anyway i can, but i have now pulled back a little as now the flat is completely furnished, he needs to know that i am not the person he should come running too in the first instance, he doesnt have many people, no family etc, so i do feel sorry for him, maybe he plays on this a little too much but i am not a nasty person and couldnt see anyone living like that.
thats all for now :) i hope to hear from you both xx

[sittingonacornflake]

@Lorddenning1 wow thank you for your message and update! SO pleased to hear you well you are doing with not so new man. I'll have to re read this thread when I've got a bit more time. I bet it's weird reading back. I can't believe it has been 2 years. Doesn't time go fast. Dare I say it, autumn is just around the corner and then we will have Christmas to look forward to, it will be here before we know it!

And wow. The amount you have done for your ex. You and not so new man are such incredibly selfless people and you should feel really proud. I'm not sure many people would do the same (I found myself amongst those who wouldn't, to be honest. But then I hate my ex). I can't believe how his girlfriend treated him though. That's incredibly frightening. She sounds like the type of person that would actually murder someone.

Talking of exes, mine has been crap as always. Graced DS with 1 video call and 1 socially distanced walk for the entirety of lock down. Just last week he has started seeing him once a week again but today was only 25 minutes. I mean for the love of God. DS was upset when he left and I'm not surprised it's not long enough. I just don't know what to do. I've told him he needs to spend more time with him but he's just not doing it. Grrr.

However DS is amazing. 2.5 now and potty training this month (any potting training tips gratefully received by the way - what do you do with out and about - travel potty?!) and starting play group next month. Can't believe it really. I've been working from home since March and my god has it been amazing having all this extra time with DS. He's really thrived with having me home more and now sleeps through the night every single night. It's bliss.

In other news I have a new boyfriend! He's so lovely, and gets on with DS amazingly. I'm very pleased and happy right now.

Also yes thank you I got the work done in the garden just before lockdown and it was been a god send having so much safe space outside to play in when we've been stuck at home! How have your kids been coping during lockdown and with schools closed? Are they excited to go back in September?

The dolls house sounds great! I'm actually after one for DS! He's into all sorts though and has a baby doll and a pram that he pushes him round him so I reckon he might like a dolls house. Going to try for a second hand one just in case though!

Thanks again for the message. So nice to hear from you x

[sittingonacornflake]

Sorry did also mean to say so pleased to hear your ex is walking again. I bet that's a relief for everyone.

[Lorddenning1]

@sittingonacornflake - aw glad to see you have replied :)
reading it today made me think back to the beginning and how I felt at the time, and i cannot believe I am a different person now, back then i could never of imagined being happy again and living an even better life, i do like to comment on the odd thread of people who have broken up and i always say, you wont always feel like this and its true, time is a great healer, but you have to go through all the emotions and shit and come out of the other side, god i sound corny haha

I like to think of my Ex's ex as the women out of misery haha she had him right where she wanted him, bed bound and under her control, she even limited his access to his children and i think the ex saw her for what she was in the end, she was actually crazy, but serves him right to find someone "worst than me" haha im only messing.

aw so glad you have met someone :) and he makes you happy, dont feel too bad on your son, he cant miss what he never had and hopefully you boyfriend will step up and be the male role model in his life, not that he needs any more role models, when his mummy is as strong and you!
potty training, errrrm haha let him wear his bog boy pants and put his potty in the livingroom and ask him every 20 mins or so if he needs a wee wee, and throw a party when he goes, mine took a little while to get used to it, but he was at nursery so it was easier, i paid for someone else to do it haha, when your out and about i never took a potty but i was conscious to go to places with easy access to the toilet, if we went somewhere far in the car for example, i put him a pull up on :)

ah the virus, forgot to mention that, been working from home since March, with both children on my own :( it has been very stressful and hard work, working full time and home schooling the 9 year old and making sure the little one doesnt destroy the house, but as of June, the little one is back at nursery now so thats alot easier and come September the older one is back at school, i have gotten fat and i have got a taste for wine these days haha but im day 1 of my diet and im starving!!! no alcohol until the weekends now, may have to go to bed early as i will be miserable haha

[Lorddenning1]

Just to add to this, looking back over the thread I may of realised that I may of moved on to someone else quite quickly, it wasn't part of the plan to do that, but I always did hold a bit of a torch with the guy I'm with now, not that it's an excuse

[sittingonacornflake]

@Lorddenning1 oh my goodness I know exactly what you mean. At the beginning everything felt awful, I felt sick with the sadness and loneliness and almost despair. I think it took about 3 weeks for that to start lifting for me and then it just kept getting better and better and my happiness is now right up at sky level!

Yes! The woman out of misery is actually EXACTLY how I pictured that woman when you were describing her!! How funny!

Awww thank you for the kind comments. I would say new fella is definitely a good role model, which is something that is hugely important to me. He's very family orientated too and just seems nice and stable and grounded.

Thank you also for the potty training tips. It's bloody hard work isn't it. I miss nappies!

Wow I thought I had it hard working from home with 1 but hats off to you I don't know how you did it with 2 AND home schooling. I bet you're knackered now

Good luck on the diet. I've lost most of the weight I put on in lockdown now but it so quickly and easily creeps back up. I'm trying to make sure I do plenty of exercise. But I'm not going to lie I can't stop snacking!!

I didn't think you moved on too quickly at all. And look how well it's going, which proves it was the right thing to do. Sometimes when the time is right the time is right!

[unexpectednewstart]

Hello @sittingonacornflake and @Lorddenning1

What a lovely surprise to see several messages and to hear that life is going better for you both.

Life is better for me too, although not totally resolved. Things got a bit much at the beginning of this year and I got signed off sick a month before lockdown. I was ready to go back when lockdown hit but it would have been impossible to look after my two and work remotely so my manager suggested I continue to get signed off. Lockdown was hard but overall helped me as it meant that ex couldn't see kids as he lives so far away and I managed to slow down life a bit. He was also finally charged during lockdown and things are starting to go through the court system so the end is in sight.

I can't remember if I mentioned but I have been having treatment for PTSD. I feel like part of those things are resolved - the experience of him being arrested/ finding out what he had done, but I don't think I have totally resolved the trauma of being left on my own with two kids 4 weeks after giving birth. Do either of you still struggle with that?

I am still with my new guy, almost 1.5 years now! His ex knows about us and we are in a bubble now, which is a really nice loose term for the kids - they understand we are in a special grouping, but they don't know we are in a relationship.

I think it is also almost time for potty training my youngest! My ex potty trained our oldest as he was suspended from work at that time so it's a new experience for me too!

[sittingonacornflake]

@unexpectednewstart yay hello to you too!! So pleased to hear from you also. Who'd have thought this thread would keep going so long - I wonder how many other threads are knocking about on Mumsnet like this!

It sounds as though lockdown came at a pretty good time for you, and the more relaxed and slow pace of life suited you. same here actually, except for how scary it was at the beginning and missing people terribly I did enjoy the routine and safe / slowness of it all. Good also to hear your ex has now been charged and I hope you see an end to all of that very soon. How is he coping with it?

Glad to hear your treatment is going well. I can't imagine what you went through to be honest, especially only 4 weeks after giving birth. I'd have been a wreck. It was easier for me as I only have 1 and we split 6 months post partum and I had SO much help from my parents it's untrue. My mom was round basically every single day to help me. I try not to think about it too much but if I do then I do feel angry at being left with all of the responsibilities and that ex could just walk away. I try not to dwell on it though.

Wow 1.5 years - definitely not 'new' anymore either!! Glad that's going well and you have a bubble. Do your kids like him?

How old is your youngest now? I genuinely think potty training is the worst part of parenting so far! Argh!

[Lorddenning1]

Hello ladies, how are things going with you both @unexpectednewstart and @sittingonacornflake
We have started to build our new home together eeek, feels real now after talking so long about it, the kids will all have their own room and we will have so much space as a family. My youngest starts school this September and my oldest is now is double figures, both are doing really well and thriving and adore their step dad. I have got a new job, new car and soon a new house, it's amazing what you can achieve when you cut away the dead wood, it still surprises me how supportive my partner is and we make a great team and I'm so happy together, he is my best friend too and couldn't imagine life without him now. It's funny what a FWB can turn into haha. Ex is doing ok too, he can walk fully now and seems to be doing ok, he is still single and see the boys every weekend, sometimes even for a full weekend and we haven't fallen out for a while and as a whole we seem to be working well as a team with the kids. I never thought in a million years I would be where I am now, I couldn't see it at the time at the start of the split but time is a great healer 😊
I hope you too are doing well, let me know what you have both been up to xx

[sittingonacornflake]

@Lorddenning1 amazing to hear from you!! Thank you for checking in. And wow you are quite literally building a house. That will be so good when it's all done.

It sounds like everything is just clicking into place for you and thats fantastic. You've come such a long way. I can't actually believe it's been nearly 3 years, feels like a life time but also the blink of an eye all at the same.

I'm pleased to hear your ex is on the mend and spending a good amount of time with the kids. That must be nice to give you some freedom too?

And congrats on the new job!

Wow youngest starting school, that must tug at your heartstrings a bit?

Nothing much new to report here really! Still working from home and I've been really focusing on fitness and nutrition this year and seeing good results using Joe Wicks' Body Coach app. Well, I feel a bit like it's changed my life actually!

Sadly me and new fella simply didn't survive all the lockdowns so that mutually ended at the start of this year. But totally for the best and I'm actually really happy single so I'm not going to try dating again for at least another year or so. I'm just focusing on seeing family and friends and enjoying life at the moment!

DS is good but is 3 and has all the very strong emotions that come with that age which is becoming quite draining. His dad has had no contact with him at all for nearly a year and now has another baby ho hum. His loss!!

[Lorddenning1]

Happy new year ladies, sharing my good news with you both, can't wait to start wedding planning.
We moved into our new house in august and we are engaged
I hope you both are doing ok x