How do you adjust to life as a lone parent?

[sittingonacornflake]

So I'm a bit of an emotional wreck and relying quite heavily on my MN crutch at the moment.

DP is moving out this weekend so I will be a lone parent to our baby. I'm a FTM and although I had thought I'd be doing quite well the reality is I'm hugely anxious since having had our baby and I'm so so so so scared of being the only adult in the house and having sole responsibility for him.

Any tips on how to adjust to life from being in a relationship to suddenly being a lone parent?

How do you cope with the evenings when baby has gone to bed? I'm so scared about how lonely I'll be.

What do you do over night if baby becomes unwell or you're unsure of anything?

How do you find happiness again?

@Lorddenning1 oh my days yes bra will have to stay firmly on. I'm sat here saying I'm not ready for that yet but I have also put an order in for some new underwear soooo

I know what you mean about being scared to let go and fall into something. I'm exactly the same. I don't know what the answer is. Is it good that we are like this or bad? It would be horrid to push new love away but if they're patient - we will get there I'm sure.

Hey @sittingonacornflake and @Lorddenning1

I think I may be catching you up emotionally. I have a MASSIVE crush! No idea if it's reciprocated but just the feeling of butterflies and having him on my mind, rather than my ex, shows me how much I must be moving on. The light at the end of the tunnel is getting nearer!

@unexpectednewstart amazing!!! Do tell us more, who is the lucky gent?! It's the best feeling ever isn't it. When you go from so heartbroken you don't know how you will cope to getting butterflies!!

@sittingonacornflake

He's a single dad (has his kid 50/50) and his DS goes to the same sports class as my DD. We chatted at a social and we've done a day out together with our kids. It's hard to tell whether he likes me because he's the type of guy who has lots of female friends, but even if he doesn't, I'm enjoying his company.

How are things going with your man?

@unexpectednewstart that sounds so exciting - I'm really pleased for you!

Things are going amazing with my man. He's absolutely lovely. Not a dad himself but loves DS so that's nice. Only downside is the distance - it's a 75 minute drive to get to each other which is obviously tricky around nap times meal times and everything else DS related and DS ends up in bed with me every night so overnights here are out of the question until that stops. But he's very patient about all that!

Good afternoon Ladies :)

@unexpectednewstart - Yeah :) look at you, this is how it starts having those feelings of lust and butterflies coming back you, its a nice feeling isnt it. how is it going, has there been any progress.

@sittingonaconflake - how are things going with your new fella :) i hope it going well for you :)

A lot has happened in less than a month, iv proper fallen in love, i couldnt deny it anymore, and now im just free falling, its a nice feeling but also im still a little scared if im honest, its more of not wanting to get hurt again, and being vulnerable again. new guy has told me he feels the same, his barriers are also down and he has fallen too. I have met his daughter and he has now met my children too. On Mothers day he came and met my parents too :) we havent said the special words yet, but they are on the tip of my tongue.

Ex is being ok, as much as he can be. he has had his first blip and argument in his new relationship last week, and he came running to me for advice. they are back on track now, thank god, as she is lovely and i want it to work out and he is a better parent to the children now he is with her :) so everything is lovely and full of rainbows and unicorns :) :) :)

What a lovely thred this is!
It should go in classics as it'll be so encouraging and inspirational to others who find themselves suddenly in the position of being a single parent.

@Selmababies it's been a really good thread for me during the last 8 months, and I think you can see the journeys we have been through, it's nice to look back and see how far we have come. It's been nice to not feel like Iv done it alone @sittingonacornflake @unexpectednewstart

Lorddenning- I wish I'd hadMumsnet when I was a alone with my daughter (from early pregnancy). She's nearly twenty now, and I've raised her completely on my own, both financially and emotionally. She's a really well adjusted and happy young woman in her second year of university. We have a great relationship and I wouldn't change a thing of the last twenty years. It was bloody hard at times though!
I wish you all many happy years ahead with your children!

@Lorddenning1 oh my goodness you sound SO happy it's amazing!!! I bet you're on cloud bloody 9 

My fella is ace. I returned to work this week and he made a 100 mile round trip to see me for an hour the day before I went back to wish me luck and brought me flowers and chocolates - so sweet!

@Selmababies - sounds like you did an absolutely amazing job there. I hope I do half as good a job as you!

It's so good to hear you both so happy @sittingonacornflake @Lorddenning1

I have seen quite a lot of my guy and we exchange lots of messages but I'm still waiting for a kiss, the suspense is killing me! I think he's cautious and doesn't want to take advantage as my split is more recent than his so I think it may be down to make the first move.

@Lorddenning1
I am also so scared of letting my barriers down and getting hurt again. Each time he's really nice to me, I keep questioning whether I should believe him.

@sittingonacornflake
How is work going? And how is your little one settling into childcare? I go back in a couple of weeks. I think I'm ready to be at work but not to leave the kids.

Eek @unexpectednewstart how would you feel about being the one to make the first move and going in for a kiss?! This is the new you after all.....

I'm not enjoying being back at work. I've only done 2 weeks but I've been put back in to completely different legal work to what I was doing before and where previously I was very experienced in my field and running teams, I'm now right at the bottom. So that's frustrating.

DS is doing fine though. My mom is looking after him mainly at mine so he's not noticed too much. And I'm only working 3 day weeks.

How are you feeling about going back? It will be good to have grown up time!

Good afternoon Ladies

@unexpectednewstart - i think you should definitely make the first move, you dont have anything to lose really, but i understand this is all new and strange for you, i think you should bite the bullet and give him a peck :) let him know that you like him,,,, im excited for you.

@sittingonacornflake - hows things going with your fella, cough cough,,,, Have you lol

little update - He dropped the L bomb on saturday night :) and i got all shy and said it back. Saturday day we took our kids to the park and had lunch, we let the kids get down from the table and i ran after my DS one way and he ran after his DD another way, they were running rings around us, we must of look like a right pair.
He stays mine around 3/4 times a week and is so sweet and thoughtful. He asked me to meet his mum yesterday, and it turns out she likes me :)
My barriers are well and truly down now, i think we make each other very happy and thats good enough for now, :)

@sittingonacornflake
@Lorddenning1

I can be a bit blunt at times so I imagine I'll eventually say 'are you going to kiss me or not?!'
It was hard initially to know if he was interested as we've seen each other a lot with kids in tow and he has lots of female friends, but we spent 2 hours chatting on the phone last night so don't think it's my imagination!

@Lorddenning1
Glad to hear that your new man is making you happy.

@sittingonacornflake
I had forgotten that you were a legal bod. I remember having to google Lord Denning last summer when you both talked about legal stuff. That feels like a lifetime ago!

@sittingonacornflake

And re work, I'm looking forward to going back. I've been full time in this nightmare for so long. It's given me time to sort myself out but I'm definitely ready to start living my new life rather than the limbo of maternity leave. Not looking forward to it coming up in conversation that I've got divorced while I've been off though. My immediate team know and will be fine, I'm more concerned about wider acquaintances.

Placemarking for later! I admire you all you strong ladies

Ladies, hello!

I do apologise, I have abandoned this thread somewhat.

@Lorddenning1 @unexpectednewstart how the devil are you both?

@unexpectednewstart I hope there are stories to be told of kissing a certain school dad?!

@Lorddenning1 hope you are still on cloud 9 with your new man

Actually nothing massive to report here! Just been busy getting back into the swing of work and I'm thoroughly enjoying it now (after an adjustment period). I'm finding it much easier than before mat leave (probably because I've gone back part time to be fair) and I'm really throwing myself into different projects and getting as involved as I can which is really nice.

Still with new man but I'm afraid things are moving VERY VERY slowly in that department. We are still only on the kissing stage! But a very unsettled baby (actually toddler now I guess) has made time at mine in the evening completely impossible so it's mainly day time dates. Saying that, sleep has taken a turn for the better over the last week so hopefully that changes soon!!

Hoping you're both still around....

Hi ladies :)
I hope you are both well xx
Yes i am still on cloud 9 with him, it just keeps getting better and better with him. we spend all of our time together these days, every weekend we take our children out together and they all get on really well, we have talked about moving in together in a year or so and talked about extending his house to fit us all in. him and his daughter are coming on holiday with us in August too. I have had to lean on him quite a bit lately as im having some ex drama.
Ex has had a bit of a breakdown, off sick from work, tablets off the doctor and he has signed up for councilling, he has told me he cant be around me at the minute which is fine, we dont need to be friends, but yesterday he has told me he going to quit work, so he wont be paying any maintenance for the children.
i do rely on the money i receive off him, so im not happy about this at all, im paying a fortune in childcare and he doesnt have to pay anything. he also wants to change the childcare arrangements too, to every other weekend. I am fully expecting him to drop contact all together in the future. I feel so sorry for my children, im upset for them, but i blame myself for picking him to have children. anyone else feel like this?

@sittingonacornflake - thank you for an update, im glad this thread is still going :) its seems like everything has settled down for you now your back at work, hows your ex being?

@unexpectednewstart - how are you getting on? any developments with the new guy? also where are you up to with your ex, is the future still unknown regarding the conviction.

Thank you ladies, this update has come at a good time for me

Oh @Lorddenning1 it's lovely to hear from you! I'm so pleased things are going so well for you with new guy. It sounds idyllic and just what you need.

As for your ex.... what a waste of space eh? I know EXACTLY what you mean when you say you blame yourself for picking him to have children with. I often feel like I don't deserve happiness because I've inflicted such a shit dad on my DC and because I made that terrible decision that will probably affect DC for the rest of their life I don't deserve happiness off the back of it. I'm told it's stupid but I can't help feeling that way....

So why is your ex quitting work? If it's following his breakdown surely a less drastic approach would be more time off sick / phased return / reduced hours / WFH.... ANYTHING over than jacking it all in surely?! And if he's not working - can't he have the kids whilst you do work and save on childcare?

My ex is still useless. But he is still paying a (small) amount of maintenance. He sees DC for half an hour once a week at my house. I'm not sure why he bothers but there you go.

Nice to hear from you!

This is the best post!!!

I made a list! Yes, really. A list of all the stuff I wanted to achieve by the first anniversary of the divorce. Nothing big or expensive but I remember writing down the following very clearly: read every Charlotte Bronte novel; decorate the bathroom; buy a second hand sewing machine and make some kids clothes and a skirt for me; buy some recipe books and try a new recipe every week; give the children two jobs each to earn pocket money; sign up for a course/qualification to better my career prospects....and some other stuff to do with building confidence and assertiveness...and boundary setting.
You'll note that I didn't put relationships or making new friends on the list, because I knew that I had to become a fully functioning, independent strong, resilient person and I had to do it on my own.
It worked.
It was hard for about six months and then I started to really blossom. My skin cleared, my hair was in the best condition, I lost the baby weight that hadn't shifted for five years. And I developed an inner confidence I never knew I possessed.
The following year I made another, similar list but it took me fifteen years (and many more lists!) before I met and married my second husband.
I loved being a single parent until he came along.
People used to ask me why I was on my own with the kids when there were so many single parent dads out there. Its up to you what you want of course but for me, I never wanted my kids to be part of a step or blended family and so I waited until they'd grown and flown before entertaining the idea of another relationship.
But that's me, not you.
If you determine to be strong, you will survive and eventually, with self care, strict boundaries established and a plan for the future, you'll not just survive I promise you, you'll absolutely thrive.

@TheSheepofWallSt massive hug I had/have PNA and its a bastard

@sittingonacornflake - he has gone back to work, according to my sources, so i have no idea what he is up to, i just want all the drama to stop. I feel like he is he is going through what i went through at the start, as he never really dealt with the break up, he just jumped straight into a new relationship.
half an hour a week, really, like you said, why even bother, whats he like with the little one, is he quite hands on for the 30 mins he is there for lol
I have asked Mumsnet to move this thread into Classics as i feel like it could help other people if they read it, as its shows what we have all been through, the highs and lows of becoming a single parent, and Mumsnet have done :) woop woop @sittingonacornflake
Hopefully we can keep this thread going, at least for the first year :)

@nevernotstruggling - thank you for your input, i feel like i am alot stronger now than i was at the start. If i take myself back to August 2018.,when we first split, i couldnt imagine ever being happy ever again, dont get me wrong, i still have my down days, about being a single mum and how i did not choose this for my children, but through councilling and self care, i dont beat myself up over it anymore, i kind of accept the situation now. I always thought I was a strong person, but its taken this experience to make me realise that i truely am, and if i can get over this, i can pretty much tackle anything.
Glad you got an happy ending :) I am hoping we will too xx

Hello everyone, you are all so magnificent and doing a great job!
I've been a single parent with 2 boys 3 and 10 for nearly a year and it is sometimes so hard, I do all the school and nursery drop offs and live away from the school, so it's a bus to my mums (by the school, which I couldn't cope with, without her) and straight back on the opposite bus to the nursery.
I work on the bank in the hospital and I'm doing an access course which I finish next week!!! and then I'm off to university in January to become a children's nurse.
It's been quite tough and there have been a few times I've almost quit, but then I look at my kids and think, I can't let them see me giving up.
Their dad helps when he can, but works 6 nights a week, so not that often.
I'm still finding it all so hard as I still love him very much, but he has a girlfriend and is taking her and her kids and ours on holiday in October, and it does feel like a stab in the back as we never went abroad at all, but I know I've got to try and get over that
I'm currently in bed feeling like I've got the flu, I'm burning up and I'm so so cold, but the kids are great, lots of cuddles and bringing me drinks. It's times like these I feel so lonely though.

@Lorddenning1 oh just leave him to it and hopefully he'll sort his shit out! I know it's easier said than done but try not to let it be a drama for you or your life.

With ex and his half an hour visits I just can't get my head around it. He plays and giggles and reads with DC when he is here, uploads photos to social media but then never wants any more. So bizarre. Maybe he comes just so he can say he does.

And wow thanks - can't believe we've made it to classics. It is a good thread though and I would have loved to have read a thread like this back when I started this 'process'. To anyone reading this who are at the start of a break up - it's so so so shit to begin with and so hard and then, suddenly, it gets better. And you know what I am happier than I've ever been in years! Life is great!

@Layza86 Wow thank you for sharing your story. Sounds like you've done amazing and you should feel so proud for not giving up.. what an amazing example you are setting for your children! Hope you feel better soon