How do you adjust to life as a lone parent?

[sittingonacornflake]

So I'm a bit of an emotional wreck and relying quite heavily on my MN crutch at the moment.

DP is moving out this weekend so I will be a lone parent to our baby. I'm a FTM and although I had thought I'd be doing quite well the reality is I'm hugely anxious since having had our baby and I'm so so so so scared of being the only adult in the house and having sole responsibility for him.

Any tips on how to adjust to life from being in a relationship to suddenly being a lone parent?

How do you cope with the evenings when baby has gone to bed? I'm so scared about how lonely I'll be.

What do you do over night if baby becomes unwell or you're unsure of anything?

How do you find happiness again?

@Lorddenning1 - having read quite a few posts on the relationships thread, turns out men moving very quickly is quite standard!

My basically moved on within days, we'd been rocky for a while so think she was either waiting in the wings or something had already happened. He told my DD about her after 4 weeks and introduced my DD after 7 weeks and moved in after 3 months - prick!

I do hate how he's handled the whole situation and what to stop fixating on it the whole time, getting there slowly.

I think I felt better after about 4 months once I was in my own place, the dust had settled and I started looking to the future.

Still have bad days though.

Hi ladies,

Sorry for the radio silence, life has been relentless. I managed to go a good few days without being in contact with my ex and it was such a relief! Now he keeps contacting me again and I need him to stop but not sure how to tell him that yet. It's little things like sending photos for the kids, seemingly harmless but makes it hard for me to switch off. I understand he misses them but he should just use his Skype times with them.

Are any of the rest of you married? I've started divorce proceedings but the process is so long and my ex is kicking his heels. Grrr I feel so trapped by him.

@sittingonacornflake
Is your ex still just visiting 20 mins a week? Regardless of him playing the field, I think that alone shows he's not the man to play happy families with.

@Lorddenning1
I hope you're getting more sleep this week and feeling better off without that bloke.

@WingingItStill
Welcome to the thread and providing hope of moving on. I am so far from that stage, especially because my kids are so young. My baby is constantly attached to me so No chance to get out and enjoy life on my own.

@unexpectednewstart sorry to hear things have been tough. With your ex contacting you continuously I think you could just tell him exactly as you've said it here, why you need him to stop. You can explain it doesn't have to be forever but you need time and space away from contact with him to heal and stay strong for the children and maybe in the future when things have settled and the divorce has finalised you might be more flexible about this (if you think you would be). It might make him more cooperative with the divorce? Or is that wishful thinking... I can be quite naive.

Yep still 20 minutes. Well no actually this week it was 15 minutes. Dad of the year or what!

I had his dad and step mum over this weekend to see DS and it turns out he's been telling me / them / his sister all sorts of different stories (well lies really) about his life, what he's doing, what's happening with DS etc.

Even little things down to lying to his dad about what he eats (or lying to me about what he eats because they are drastically different stories - to his dad it sounds like he can barely afford to eat but what he tells me says he's eating really well and basically having dinner parties!).

Interestingly they asked me whether he has ever hit me (he hasn't) but doesn't that say a lot about what they think of him!

@WingingItStill - wow he moved in after 3 months - that's so fast! It does seem to be the pattern that men move on much quicker doesn't it. Glad you're doing so well though, there is hope for us all yet!

@Lorddenning1 hope you're doing ok!

Had a wobble yesterday as now my ex is fighting with me over maintenance, apparently his solicitor will be writing to me. So now I’m sat waiting for a letter to hit the mat - obviously won’t be today as it’s Sunday.

I am trying to rise above & not let him have the power to affect my mood but it’s bloody tough sometimes.

I know I’ll get there & that this is all part of the ridiculous game he’s playing so just going to focus on me & my kids & what makes us happy.

@WingingItStill what a shame. It's so bloody hard to rise above isn't it. I hate how my ex can affect my mood - but it's so hard to shake off your pissed off mood when they mess you about isn't it!

Good evening ladies

@unexpectednewstart I agree with @sittingonacornflake I think I need to tell him to stop it, u need to put yourself first, I did the same with my ex if u can remember, I basically said if he didn't stop discussing his new relationship with me then I will have to change our arrangements and I won't be able to be around him, it was affecting me really bad and my anxiety was through the roof. He did stop it for around 2 weeks but it's started to creep in again, like for example next weekend he is taking her to the Christmas markets, are you fecking kidding me, he never took me anywhere :( and no we were not married, engaged. What have u done with your ring?

@WingingItStill Why do they move on so quick :( idiots. I'm up to 3 months split now and I don't cry over it anymore, my thoughts are not consumed by it but it does pop into my head from time to time and it makes me really angry at him. My friends say he will get his comeuppance and he will beg me for another chance, but I don't want that, I just want him to go away and leave me alone.

@unexpectednewstart My DS2 is still waking up again but I will forgive him as his top 2 teeth are coming through now (the last ones yeahhhhh)

I hope you ladies are doing ok :)

Iv had a shit week personally, been moping over that guy and it's been my time of the month so not a good combo, I did lose 1 and a half pounds this week :) I did a catwalk show on Friday and had my hair and make up done and felt great, even went to town after and had a cheeky snog with a nice guy (who we found out the next day via Facebook that he is in a relationship) me are sleazy and we are well rid.
I must say after reading your post my ex is seeing the kids and I ant fault him as a dad, up to know he hasn't let them down at all. He has them once a week stay over at his and sees them 1-2 days a week, he rings and ask about them and seems devoted to them, he gave me a big speech how they will always come first and he has told his new girlfriend that etc, so credit where credit is due, he can still fuck off though!!!

@WingingItStill how can he fight u over maintenance, I thought he has to pay a set amount going off what he earns and if he doesn't u can go down the official route to get it, I hate men!!

Don't ask me how I did most of that in bold and sorry for the grammar and spelling mistakes

@Lorddenning1 - unfortunately the divorce is still going through and there's a financial aspect to that. We were originally doing 50/50 so he didn't pay any maintenance but now he's realised he can't commit to 50/50, we've changed up the schedule and now he's arguing over the maintenance.

He's got a solicitor involved who is sending me a letter which I can only assume will say if you insist on going to the CMS for maintenance then he won't agree to the financial arrangement proposed in the divorce.

I'm so sick and tired of fighting with him over crap like this, am thinking of just cutting my losses and agreeing to remove the financial agreement from the divorce. I'll check with my solicitor first but don't have the energy for this bullshit.

Hi ladies, how is everyone doing today?

I'm having a bad day today.

Ex sent maintenance through but it was short so had to ring him tonight to chase up the outstanding. Made me feel anxious and horrible all day just thinking about it. I thought about just leaving it but I don't want it to be like this every month where he sends what he feels like and I won't know what's coming.

Anyway, he was a dick on the phone. Basically said he feels like he's paying too much (he does pay approx £50 about CMS rate) and with Christmas coming up he's not got much spare cash. I did try and remind him that I'm currently unpaid on maternity leave for our child and he's the one who's recently moved into a place that's costing him £200 more a month but he wasn't getting it.

I tried saying that maintenance and providing for DS should be the most important thing and he said 'maybe, probably, don't know' then hung the phone up on me when I tried to broach the subject of him seeing DS more. Grrrrr. He makes me so angry and it makes me angrier that he has this effect on me.

Any tips on how I can stop letting him upset me so much?!

@sittingonacornflake - sorry you’re having a shit time. If I had the answer to how to stop getting upset & letting their actions get to you, I would tell you but unfortunately I’m in the same boat!

I’m waiting at home everyday for a letter from his solicitor to find out what he’s thinking & it’s so draining.

I’m seeing my counsellor this afternoon which definitely helps & also I’m putting all my faith in time being a great healer!

Hope you guys all have a good day, am off to have coffee with a couple of friends as female solidarity is definitely helping me get through too.

Evening ladies

Sorry it takes me a while to reply. I look forward to seeing new messages from you all but struggle to find the time to reply.

I think I've managed to reduce communication with my ex by just not responding to stuff and have avoided having a full conversation about it. I'm worried if I tell him directly, he'll shut down all communication entirely which would make the divorce even longer....

To buck the trend about men moving on, my ex is still wearing his ring. Apparently he can't bear to take it off. Presumably it was on his finger when he cheated so is meaningless anyway. I haven't decided what to do with my rings, but I might save them for my daughter. Yeah it's been a shit of a marriage but we have two fantastic kids so I'm not going to deny the good bits about it to them.

@sittingonacornflake
Did your ex want kids? You certainly sound well rid of him. Unfortunately it's impossible to be totally rid of exs and their behaviour when kids are involved, isn't it?

Good morning Ladies

Well everything has gone to shit :( im a complete mess and im this close to slipping back under, i have done so well so drag myself up and go back to work and function again, but im currently on the brink of tears. I just want to go home, crawl under my covers and cry and never get out of bed again :(

so basically now my distraction has gone (the guy i was seeing) i have focused back onto my ex, i have lashed out at him and been horrendous, i have been really nasty for him for no reason, well for moving on so quick and being happy. i feel angry and upset all over again, like its just happened.
my councilling starts next week so im hoping this is really going to help me but in a nutshell,,,
i was unhappy in the relationship, i thought i could do better and deserved better, i was cold to him and made him out to be a monster, i was hard faced when the relationship ended and i felt like i was in control,,, 2 weeks go by and he meets someone else, all is not fine when i find out, how could he do this yada yada. he has now moved on, in love and is happy and im here miserable left holding the baby (litterally) i just find it really hard. I do love him and wish i could of done things differently, i felt like we both didnt fight for it, we just let it go, but it was driven by me, so iv ultimately got what i wanted, so y am i not happy.

I have really waffled on here, but you get the idea of where my head is up to, does anyone have any advice?

Sorry you're having a bad day @Lorddenning1

The way I try to think about things is that I got the best bit. Yes it's shit being a single mum sometimes, but I'm much closer to my kids as a result and being the main caregiver will reap its rewards in time. It may be lonely for us in the short term, but in the long term we have the most flexibility. Lots of my friends haven't found a serious partner yet or are struggling with fertility issues, I've already got my kids so no biological clock to race against and no need to settle for anyone who doesn't treat be well.
It's natural that you're going to have low moments but you will get through. Is there anyone you can trust and confide in at work?

thanks for the reply @unexpectednewstart - i have confided in anyone who will listen :( my best friend, my mum, my sisters, its all going in one ear and out of the other. to be fair I have calmed down lots since earlier, i just feel a bit drained and numb now.
I know i will be happier in the future, i just cant see it yet, im being really hard on myself, and wallowing for a bit :(

I think it's my turn to feel shit this evening. How long do you think it will take till it stops hurting?

My little girl is so excited about Christmas and I'm worrying about how I make it magical for her when there's only me? How can I make a happy home for both my kids when I'm not happy?

@unexpectednewstart I'm the same :) I am dreading Christmas and hate the fact everyone around me is happy and excited and playing Christmas music and I just don't feel it. I feel like I'm going to feel like this forever

I was dreading Christmas too but took my little girl to buy a tree yesterday, blasted out Michael Buble & decorated it - although I’ll have to re-do it when she’s not around as it’s a complete mess at the moment!

I saw my counsellor on Thursday & was a complete mess & completely fixated on my ex & how he seems to be trying to screw me over at every turn.

Fast forward only a couple of days & I’ve got a date tonight with someone I met on Friday & I’m really excited!

Guess what I’m saying is that there will always be shit times & it will take a long time to get there but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I want to look back in five years time & laugh at this whole sorry episode - that’s my goal.

@WingingItStill aw that's great news :) I'm happy for you, it's sounds like you are describing me at the minute, I can go a couple of weeks where I'm fine and then boom something small will trigger it and I will have a mini breakdown, this one has been pretty bad, not eating, crying and thinking I can't do this anymore I want out :(
My boys are keeping me above water at the min, I just feel a bit numb and drained today, my first councilling app is this thursday and I can't wait. Is it true that you feel worse before u feel better in councilling?

I went for a meal on Friday with friends and the guy I was seeing, as he is in our friendship group, so guess where I ended up going, hmmm maybe not a wise decision but hey ho x

Forgot to mention, towards the end of our relationship I was very cold, horrible and nasty towards him and full of anger,,, I spoke to my sister who I haven't spoke to in a while and she says she is exactly the same and her partner is fed up of it, he is telling her she is pushing him away,,, me and my 2 sisters, younger than me, were brought up in the care system and we were badly neglected and abused as children, I always thought my past hasn't effected me that much as I went on to uni and got a law degree and in doing well with my life, have a nice house and drive a nice car etc, but it seems me and my sisters haven't escaped our past as much as we thought, in one way or another we are all acting the same, maybe this is something councilling will help me with :)

@pallasathena I think you are the inspiration I'm looking for x

@Lorddenning1 - I’ve had counselling on & off for about 12 years now.

Yes it can feel things get worse before they get better as you start to think, feel & question things that you didn’t before.

I’ve found it invaluable for many reasons & now seems like the perfect time for you to reach out & get help.

It did me the world of good & has put a whole new perspective on so many things. I feel more self aware, calm & in control then I ever did before starting counselling.

Thanks @WingingItStill - How did your date go?

I am alot better today, the fog is lifting, thank god, I put the tree up with the kids and its cheered me up alot, I love them so much, they help me without knowing it, god knows where I would be without them.
@unexpectednewstart - how are you feeling, are you still dreading Christmas, how has the ex been behaving.

@sittingonacornflake - how are you getting on, has the ex still not seen baby much. i am so glad you started this thread OP, it has helped me loads, i also like going back and reading the old posts.

Gosh I'm so sorry I haven't checked in for ages!

@Lorddenning1 I'm so sorry to hear you've been struggling. It does sound a bit to me like you've got your rose tinted glasses on though. You weren't happy in your relationship so you did the right thing in ending it. What you weren't prepared for (and I don't think anyone is) is that we then have to go on a complete emotional rollercoaster in order to come out the other end happier and stronger. You're on that rollercoaster right now but you WILL rise up better than ever. I promise you.

@unexpectednewstart Sorry to hear you've had some bad days too. I don't think there is a set time for it to feel better. I think we will start to feel better and then inevitably have some bad days and then we will come through and have good days. But you will have a lovely Christmas with your children! You just will!

In answer to your question yes would you believe it our DS was planned!!

@WingingItStill please come back and tell us all about your date!!