How do you adjust to life as a lone parent?

[sittingonacornflake]

So I'm a bit of an emotional wreck and relying quite heavily on my MN crutch at the moment.

DP is moving out this weekend so I will be a lone parent to our baby. I'm a FTM and although I had thought I'd be doing quite well the reality is I'm hugely anxious since having had our baby and I'm so so so so scared of being the only adult in the house and having sole responsibility for him.

Any tips on how to adjust to life from being in a relationship to suddenly being a lone parent?

How do you cope with the evenings when baby has gone to bed? I'm so scared about how lonely I'll be.

What do you do over night if baby becomes unwell or you're unsure of anything?

How do you find happiness again?

Sorry that posted quicker than I was expecting.

So I think the things I'm struggling with most at the moment are:

• the horrible guilt of having chosen someone so totally shit for DS' dad. I wish he had better. He deserves so much better. And I will hate myself forever that I chose someone so utterly crap and horrid for his dad. I hope he doesn't become damaged by his dad's rejection

• the fact that it feels like in order to get a bit of me time to see friends or whatever is ALWAYS going to involve burdening my parents to babysit. Now I know they love DS and enjoy spending time with him but I just feel so guilty that my shit life choices are now going to impact on them and burden them

Hi all - wanted to give everyone a bit of light relief!

Met new guy on Friday, went on second date on Sunday & now booked in for third date tomorrow!!

Has certainly put a smile on my face!!

Hi ladies

I'm feeling much better today, it's quite surreal to remember how low I felt last week. My health visitor referred me to Homestart and I have an initial meeting with a lady from there tomorrow to see how they might help. I have mixed feelings about having a stranger come and help me, but I definitely need something to pull me out of the lows and I need a break from the kids if I'm going to keep coping.

@WingingItStill and @Lorddenning1
I'm enjoying your dating updates, keep them coming!

@sittingonacornflake
I have similar emotions about my choices. I can't regret my time with my ex because I love my kids so much, but I'm struggling to understand how I didn't see through his lies.

I'm also very reliant on my parents help and I feel guilty at times, but on the other hand I try to remind myself that they will enjoy a closer relationship with my kids than if their dad was still around.

Happy weekend ladies, how are you doing?

How is contact with your ex's going these days? My ex took my daughter out yesterday and it was fine but I can't shake the tenseness in my body, my shoulders are rigid

Hi @unexpectednewstart.

Sorry to hear about the tenseness. Was it all ok though? Hope DC had a nice time!

Ex saw DS for a whopping 20 minutes this week so continues to win father of the year!!

Having a nice weekend though. Went to the Padstow Christmas festival this weekend and managed to get in to watch ready steady cook which was very amusing! Also consumed my body weight in beer, gin and cheese samples.

How is everyone else's weekend going?

Hello ladies

Just checking in with everyone, Im in a much better place this week, alot happier and back to myself again, it scared me how low i can get without a reason, I woke up one day and was a little bit down, i lashed out at ex and then he retaliated and made me more upset, and then it was a downward spiral then, i kept thinking how shit my life is, i dont have a plan or purpose, im lonely, no one will want me, the split was all my fault, im a product of my upbringing and whats the point i will never be happy, my birth mum messed me up beyond repair,,,,,
Just when you think your getting on with things, something can come out of no where and knock you back. I just need help with dealing with the lows in a healthy way. i dont think i deal with them like a mother in her 30s should. I was meant to have my first counseling session last week and they cancelled :( so im still waiting.

i have managed to pull myself out of it and i think i may even enjoy christmas after all, watching my babies enjoy their presents, lots of food and booze will also be a plus.
im back seeing that guy also, and i think he has missed me bcoz he has asked me if i wanted to go to the christmas markets (remember my little hissy fit a few weeks back when i found out my ex was taking his new gf) well they didnt even end up going after all :)
so for now my new fella is good company and i enjoy seeing him, im trying to not over think anything. I know it might be a bad time for you ladies with young babies but i would so recommend meeting someone to distract and take your mind off everything, it may be putting a plaster on things for now, but im ok with that.

I do agree that this is a rollar coaster and i had no idea it was going to be like this, i hope i do come out stronger after all of this, last week the easier option would of been for me to beg ex and get back together, to make the pain go away, but i cant do that every time i feel like its too hard to be on my own.

@sittingonaconflake - sounds like you had a fab night, that sounds right up my street. did your parents enjoying having your little one. do you have any teenage family members who can be your new babysitter and earn a few quid too.

@unexpectednewstart - how long did he take her out for, do you think he would take both kids out or are u happy for him to have them one at a time, in the future etc.

@wingingitstill - is everything going ok with the new fella, im not even sure what we are anymore. we started as friends with benefits, with no serious commitments etc to now we are not seeing other people, he even said dating other people are off the cards, we have a date this week to the christmas markets, so we are exclusive and go on dates, hmmm like i said im trying to not overthink it.

Evening ladies

How have your weeks been? In the end, the tenseness has passed much more quickly than previous visits. It was definitely the right decision to stop my ex staying in the house when he visits, and my daughter has been less unsettled after this visit than previous ones. I am not intending to let him have my son on his own until the police investigation/ legal crap is sorted. I accept that my daughter loves him and misses him, so I am doing my best to let her have time with him, but I am trying to keep the baby slightly removed from it all. I want him to know who his Dad is but not be so attached that it hurts if he gets a custodial sentence.

@Lorddenning1
Dating is so far from my mind! Breastfeeding dampens my libido anyway, and I bedshare so there's no room in my bed! My ex did recently say how he would struggle if I met someone new though and I wanted to tell him to f off. He cheated on me, and he's broken the law, he has no right to feel hurt if I ever manage to recover from this nightmare!

Afternoon @unexpectednewstart yeah that makes sense, protecting your son so he isn't upset when he doesn't see him, how long a sentence is he expected to get a and when is the court case. I guess your kind of hanging in limbo until all that is sorted.

I started my councilling this week and it's working so far, I think. He said my ex has traits of a narcissist and the things he is accusing me off are actually him projecting what he is onto me, it's like the councillor knew him without having even met him. He said the reason I'm feeling depressed is not to do with my ex per say, but what he represented to me, having had a shit childhood, I always wanted a family of my own and up until a few months ago I had that, now we have split the perfect image of my family has now changed and that's what I'm struggling with, and the feeling of being lost and not having a plan or purpose ties into that :(

@Lorddenning1 so pleased you've started your counselling. It's going to be tough as you come to some realisations and learn some truths but I think you're going to come out the other end so much stronger for it. I can completely relate to the feeling of the perfect family image having been shattered. And I judge myself for not being worthy of that perfect image that so many others have.

@unexpectednewstart sounds like you're doing great - keep at it! I'm with you on the not dating whilst breastfeeding and bed sharing. It's kind of good that it's forcing a bit of space and time in that regard. I don't want to jump into anything else until I'm all recovered and healed from this monumental feck up.

But generally doing well I think. Support of family and friends is making all the difference to me. And focusing on my baby and Christmas. Keeping me busy that's for sure.

the fact that it feels like in order to get a bit of me time to see friends or whatever is ALWAYS going to involve burdening my parents to babysit. Now I know they love DS and enjoy spending time with him but I just feel so guilty that my shit life choices are now going to impact on them and burden them sad

It really won’t.

You will start earning money at some point and then be able to afford the odd sitter

Plus as a parent, I think this would be a win win from your tour parents pov, as they get to help out their daughter AND be with their grandchild!

Evening @sittingonacornflake
And @Lorddenning1

I'm with you on the loss of the perfect family image. I find it hardest during weekends and holidays when I see families out and about and dads doing what they should do. Sometimes I just want to scream at how unfair it is. I wish there was someone else to say to me, 'relax, I've got this.' I've been out at various nice Christmas things this weekend but it's still just me at home afterwards, putting the kids to bed and a carload of soggy things waiting to be unloaded.

yeah the perfect family image is upsetting, i keep trying to think i still have my family image, its just different now, we can be the 3 musketeers, they wont go without anything, they have each other and i am trying to play mum and dad to them both, trying to be silly and daft with them, but also strict about bedtime and homework etc trying to find the right balance.

My Councillor is very good, and i think he can help me loads, i did feel stronger after 1 session.
He said all adults over 30 years old, have a mental capacity of around 50%, when we are born we have 100% but time being we are older, it drops to 50%, after worrying about bills, children jobs etc,
so anything major that happens to us (like a break up) , can use up that 50%, so anything small and a non issue like a kid being ill, can tip us over the edge and make up not cope very well, as i said last week i was ok, and then i woke up one day and i wasnt, but there was nothing in particular that set me off, he said this was completely normal, my mental capacity cannot take any extra drama, issue, so the row with the ex, i think was the cause of my breakdown last week :(
He also said that people who have had an abusive childhood, when the chips are down, will always revert to the negatives, as thats all they have ever known, i just need help in trying to focus on the positives when i feel down.
I am so all over the place at the minute, anyone else feel a bit like this?

Make time for 'self care' for yourself.

I found it hard at first after leaving my abusive ex, I'm a single parent to two boys. It gets easier and you'll be stronger for it. Now I think single parenting is in many ways easier than co parenting! No one to criticise or argue with you over your parenting or undermine you. Yes it's hard work at times, but use the extra time alone to do what makes you happy what makes you feel good.

For example I love my evenings alone and fill them with what tops up my happiness meter so to speak!

Exercise videos on YouTube, 'pampering evenings' ( just shaving, nails, eyebrows etc) long bath, book, chocolate. Writing, drawing, gaming,

Whatever makes you happy! It's a good idea to draw on family for support. I'll always share memories and ask for advice from my dad about the kids. It can be lonely at times when it seems like you're surrounded by other 2parent families but remember there are so many other single mums and you can cope with it and do the best for your lo.

Hi @Lorddenning1
Glad to hear that the counselling has been useful already and given you plenty to reflect on. I also find that I am so full up emotionally, small things can tip me over. It's such a challenge to be a good mum and not get shouty. I am also embracing the sillier side of parenting thought too and playing with my toddler. In the long run, I think I'll have a closer relationship with both kids, even if it's all bloody hard work at the moment.

How are you feeling today?

@Crookedcolours thanks for your input, I am going to focus on myself and be kind to me, I keep being too hard on myself at the minute and it's really not helping my state of mind. I don't know if it's because of the time of year, but I feel so lonely at the minute :(

@unexpectednewstart I'm the same, I feel closer to the children now, I still feel the guilt of them not having their dad with us, but my councillor said it's prob a better environment for them to be in now, without the arguing or tension etc.
Some days I think how am I able to raise two strong capable men in society when they have a mother like me who can't keep her shit together, but like I said before I'm being too hard on myself.

4 months in and I'm not upset about my ex anymore, I don't even think about him if I'm honest. I find being a single parent hard and all the things that come with it.
My councillor was lovely this week,
He made me imagine if I could go back in time and what would I say to my younger self, before I was placed in care and with my birth mother, and I said I would say to her "don't worry it's not always going to be like this, and your not always going to feel like this" and give her a big hug, he said right well say that to yourself now
He is very good :)

@sittingonacornflake
I was searching mn for threads about introducing a dummy to an older baby and found yours from November! How did I go in the end? Any improvement sleep wise?

@Lorddenning1
You sound very brave to be facing and discussing those kinds of things with a counsellor. I'm sure it will help you and your boys in the long run.
A big part of my strength comes from having supportive parents nearby. They're quite old though and I worry about how I'll cope if one of them faces ill health. Several of my friends have lost parents recently, we're at that age, so it's a realistic fear. I can't imagine how hard it must be not to have that strong background and support when facing things.

Merry Christmas ladies :)
I hope today isn't too hard for us 💗

I kicked dp out two days ago! Thanks for this thread.
Christmas hugs to you all xx

@Spanglyprincess1 I hope today isn't too hard for you :(

Find other people in the same situation. Help other single parents out in any small way you can and build up a group of people who you feel you can call on for help. Spend as much time as possible in the day time with other people- just enjoying their company. Get out to every baby group/ activity going. Invite someone to yours for coffee. Then in the evenings have some sort of treat to look forward to- not necessarily food... maybe a magazine, something in mind on Netflix or TV. Phone family.
It's hard but lots of us do it and come out the other side xx

Merry Christmas all!! How has everyone's break been so far? Hope your little ones have enjoyed themselves.

@unexpectednewstart the dummy went down like a lead balloon. He either giggled and spat it out or picked it up and laughed at my head.... giggling again. He just won't take it whatever I try and do!!

Hi ladies

Christmas wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, Iv snoozed a few people off my Facebook for 30 days as they are showing off all the time about how perfect their family is etc. I had a row with the ex of Christmas Day but nothing major.
The kids seems to have had a good Christmas, I don't know why I put so much emphasis on the day, roll on 2019.

How have you been getting on?

Happy new year @sittingonacornflake @Lorddenning1

As we're now in 2019, ive realised just how long we've been in touch. Thanks for all your support and shared problems over recent months.

My Christmas was okay in the end. I felt sad at times and didn't get much of a rest but it was fine. I stayed with my parents for a few days and wasn't looking forward to coming home on my own with the kids. However when we got back, i was so relieved and for the first time, it really felt like home for the three of us, rather than a house missing a Dad.

What are your hopes and plans for 2019? I think 2019 is going to be another pretty tough one for me, and I'm looking forward to 2020 as being a realistic time ahead that I might start to be happy again. However I'm intending to keep busy with building my life as a single parent. First ambition, tighten up my spending and make what we have got go a bit further.