My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

This forum is the home of Mumsnet classic threads.

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Mumsnet classics

BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress

705 replies

HarrietKettle · 22/02/2018 16:15

I picked up an abandoned copy of this in the canteen today had forgotten all about it- used to love reading my Nan's copies.

The style of writing is totally the same, it made me laugh.

  1. babies are never just born, they are 'pushed into the world'

  2. you don't just think 'I might be pregnant, I must take a test'. It has to be 'I gripped the table as a wave of nausea washed over me. I sat thoughtfully. Then I put on my coat, and walked to the chemist, then returned back to my home in Botley Grange, Lancs, with a package. I followed the instructions. I paced nervously with the little white stick in my hand. Finally, it was time to look. I was pregnant!'

  3. there is a headline on the front that reads 'BRIDE'S AGONY- BUM TORN APART BY WEDDING DRESS

    The poor woman had compartment syndrome, maybe but not definitely caused by the excersize she was doing in the run up to her wedding Confused

    Anyway it's made me laugh, and at home tonight I'll probably be narrating in my head things like 'the cat meowed with glee as I entered the front door of my flat in Hinkley Ave, Berks. 'Looks like it's just you and me tonight, Mavis' I muttered as she fixed me with a meaningful stare. My partner, Gary, was working late yet again. Sighting, I reached for the bar of chocolate I'd treated myself to and settled down to watch the soaps'

    Anyone care to add a Take a Break Style narration from their day?
OP posts:
Gacapa · 22/02/2018 17:10

There's always a section where people send in crap photos of crap things, which they've rudimentarily fashioned from crap. Such as a metal detector, which is a dog brush stuck to a wooden spoon with parcel tape. And said improvised implement has apparently resulted in some kind outrageously unfeasible miracle or epiphany, like a husband who is always called Barry or Des has regained the use of his legs or found his dog's ghost in a fry up.

2018February · 22/02/2018 17:10

Oh god deodoranty smelling eggs. 'Much to the delight of my hubby'. No. Just no.

Ructation · 22/02/2018 17:11

I haven't read TAB in years but this makes me think of the Sun's writing style...

Police are cops
Men are lads
People who drink are boozers
Children are kids
Any celeb leaving a nightclub is bleary-eyed...

LemonShark · 22/02/2018 17:11

I love the 'in time we grew closer, moved in together and started a family' then you read the ages and realise 'in time' was approximated six months 😂 And all the talk of 'my partner this and that' from sixteen/seventeen year olds who really ought to be having boyfriends not pretending they have partners!

Frogletmamma · 22/02/2018 17:11

My ex SIL actually appeared in take a break. With a story she totally made up but got paid good money for. Not mentioning any names.

LemonShark · 22/02/2018 17:12

The way they describe their boyfriend or husband as being drop dead gorgeous with stunning blue eyes etc then the photo is a large unattractive man who's been made out to look like Ryan gosling 😂

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 22/02/2018 17:13

Children are kids

Or annoyingly 'tots'

UsernameInvalid66 · 22/02/2018 17:13

How exactly does compartment syndrome tear your bum apart?

GimbleInTheWabe · 22/02/2018 17:13

OMG I love these mags, they're bloody hilarious/awful/literary genius. Fave headline I've seen 'I gave BIRTH in a KFC family bucket!'

TinDogTavern · 22/02/2018 17:13

Women getting married never "put on a dress". They always "slip into a gown". Before their slap up meal, with all the trimmings, ends in a massive fight, or whatever.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 22/02/2018 17:13

Just looked up TAB online - these are some of their stories:

TRAPPED and made to eat CAT FOOD
My neighbour gave me her WOMB
Lying groom POISONED me at our wedding
Poor mum – thrown from a bridge in her pyjamas
A poltergeist ravaged our Christmas turkey
He DUNKED our condoms in POISON
TRAPPED in a fridge, but KETCHUP kept me SANE
We were POSSESSED on our Sunday stroll

Ructation · 22/02/2018 17:14

Rylanmakesmyheartsmile

Grin

NotASingleFuckToGive · 22/02/2018 17:15

I remember a weekly mag having a page called "Aren't Men Daft?", where women would tell the world why their DHs are stupid and useless for a cash prize.

"I was at the Zoo with my Dave last month, and he said, 'If that penguin doesn't stop flapping about, it'll hurt itself.'
It was a Zebra, not a penguin. He left his glasses in the car, didn't he? He's a bit of a bellend is our Dave. That'll be £20."

lightoflaluna · 22/02/2018 17:15

A look of concern swept over his usually bright features, and colour bloomed on his cheeks. A strange sound escaped his lips. Yes, the baby was pooing again.

Brushing her hair out of her face she sighed, and heaved the enormous infant up the stairs to undertake the dreaded task. Suddenly an explosion! She hadn't much time. She held the weighty child away from her pale, wobbly body to stop the dreaded substance infecting her mustard Primark cardigan. "Who needs CrossFit?" she chirriped to the gurgling babe, as her upper arms ached.

Thankfully the damage was salvageable, and the family soon returned to normality.

Until next time.

Clandestino · 22/02/2018 17:16

They have a column "Your Brainwaves". I had a look at few. I had to stop before I was overcome by despair for humanity.
I was shattered when I realised how difficult it is to get persimmon spit from the shiny screen of my laptop. I was in tears, trying to remove the orange chunks of the exotic fruit with a wet tissue, only to find out it left smears all over the display as I was desperately trying to enjoy my indulgence of reading Mumsnet. "Oh no, not that again" I whispered in agony as yet another word disappeared behind the disgusting orange leftover of one of my five-a-day I buy with joy and avid interest in my health in our local Tesco .

Elendon · 22/02/2018 17:17

My favourite headline ever was 'woman attacks husband because the spaghetti she cooked wasn't 'al dente' . 'Cook the damn thing yourself then' was the sub headline. I hasten to add that I do not advocate any sort of domestic violence.

rainbowcakes · 22/02/2018 17:17

Hahaha yes, the photos captioned 'Me now' crack me up.

I used to read my grandmother's copies when I lived there (she used to buy them ALL, every week - hours of entertainment)

I think the phrase that used to make me laugh/cringe the most was when they refer to sex as 'we were a tangle of lusty limbs'....WTAF Grin

Don't even get me started on the top tips!! Who knew there could be so many uses for sanitary towels (e.g. shoe insoles, bunny ears for fancy dress) gahhh!!

HarrietKettle · 22/02/2018 17:18

I remember Aren't Men Daft! Sometimes they'd just be posing with a fake moustache on and a caption 'My Barry had a great time at his Starskey and Hutch themed works do!'

And they'd get £25 Confused

OP posts:
lightoflaluna · 22/02/2018 17:18

@Ructation celebs also 'romp' constantly

falsepriest · 22/02/2018 17:19

@HariboIsMyCrack
Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin laughed so hard my brother thought I was in agony

FrancisCrawford · 22/02/2018 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LemonShark · 22/02/2018 17:19

Omg 'tots' 😷

NotASingleFuckToGive Yes! That page always struck me as horribly sexist. Imagine a page 'aren't women thick!?' In a lads mag!

Slipped into a dress, showing my toned pins 😷

MollyHopps · 22/02/2018 17:20

I ate another square of chocolate. Then another. Before I knew it the entire 300g bar had been devoured! I just couldn't help myself.

I remember reading something similar in Chat mag, about a lady who "piled on the pounds", eventually exceeding 20 odd stone. Every time I over-indulge I imagine my own future weight story and think of the words in italics.

I just couldn't help myself

Grin

BalloonSlayer · 22/02/2018 17:20

And people don't put on weight, they balloon.

"Soon I had ballooned to twenty stone."

It's such an odd expression. Balloons have gas in them, not fat! I ought to know Wink

ReanimatedSGB · 22/02/2018 17:21

Ahhh proleporn. I have a bit of a weakness for these, as well. Even though they are horrible, condescending, hugely sexist and prurient, they can be wonderfully, unintentionally hilarious.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.