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BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress

705 replies

HarrietKettle · 22/02/2018 16:15

I picked up an abandoned copy of this in the canteen today had forgotten all about it- used to love reading my Nan's copies.

The style of writing is totally the same, it made me laugh.

  1. babies are never just born, they are 'pushed into the world'

  2. you don't just think 'I might be pregnant, I must take a test'. It has to be 'I gripped the table as a wave of nausea washed over me. I sat thoughtfully. Then I put on my coat, and walked to the chemist, then returned back to my home in Botley Grange, Lancs, with a package. I followed the instructions. I paced nervously with the little white stick in my hand. Finally, it was time to look. I was pregnant!'

  3. there is a headline on the front that reads 'BRIDE'S AGONY- BUM TORN APART BY WEDDING DRESS

    The poor woman had compartment syndrome, maybe but not definitely caused by the excersize she was doing in the run up to her wedding Confused

    Anyway it's made me laugh, and at home tonight I'll probably be narrating in my head things like 'the cat meowed with glee as I entered the front door of my flat in Hinkley Ave, Berks. 'Looks like it's just you and me tonight, Mavis' I muttered as she fixed me with a meaningful stare. My partner, Gary, was working late yet again. Sighting, I reached for the bar of chocolate I'd treated myself to and settled down to watch the soaps'

    Anyone care to add a Take a Break Style narration from their day?
OP posts:
reetgood · 22/02/2018 16:39

Oh love take a break. It’s like they have their own dialect. Never children, but ‘tots’. Not hair but locks. AND you get puzzles. It’s just a great all rounder :)

LukesDiner · 22/02/2018 16:40

I only ever read these (honestly...) in the car, and ask my 'hubby' to buy me the most ridiculous magazine he can find at the petrol station, so I can read out the stories to the dc, doing all the voices. I can recommend it for passing the time on long car journeys! Wasn't there one that said 'I married my cat' not that long ago?!!

QuimReaper · 22/02/2018 16:41
Grin
BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress
Choccyhobnob · 22/02/2018 16:42

Lol someone I know was in one of those magazines. When you actually know the true story the headline is even more ridiculous!

QuimReaper · 22/02/2018 16:42

Honestly, working for one of these magazines is my dream job!

FuzzyCustard · 22/02/2018 16:42

We used to buy them if we went on holiday. They were collectively known as "crapmags".

Sidge · 22/02/2018 16:42

I had a hysterectomy in September and my friend bought me a pile to read whilst I was recuperating - Take a Break, That's Life etc.

Very kind of her but I needed to increase my painkillers as I was laughing so much!!

I love it when you're reading between the lines and you know damned well that's not how it went...

DontWannaBeObamasElf · 22/02/2018 16:43

“A familiar feeling swirled in my tummy. I was pregnant!”

Mrsemcgregor · 22/02/2018 16:43

So funny!! These magazines got me through breast feeding my eldest in the days before smart phones. I remember trying hard not to jiggle with laughter and interrupt his latch!

HariboIsMyCrack · 22/02/2018 16:44

This reply has been withdrawn

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BevBrook · 22/02/2018 16:44

I once did work experience on Take a Break. I had to ring a woman whose marriage lasted a day or something and ask her what happened, with particular reference to what her partner looked like and how it all made her feel. "And what happened then? And how did that make you feel? Did you cry?"

I love the fact that in the description the blokes come across as some kind of hunka burnin' love, and then there's a picture of a rat-faced little weasel.

Bananalanacake · 22/02/2018 16:45

Oh I'm howling at the man with the burnt willyGrin. Sadly I can't buy TAB in Germany.

wellhonestly · 22/02/2018 16:45

The stories about middle-aged women who have been abandoned by their foreign toyboy lovers they met on holiday abroad who couldn't disappear fast enough when they made it over to the UK, complete with final forlorn photograph alone, captioned "Me now."

Extremely sad for the women involved and a cautionary tale for the rest of us. But just awful.

iklboo · 22/02/2018 16:46

I've got Readly on my tablet. Just realised I can read these as a guilty pleasure secret while still purchasing 'What Doily Weekly' and 'Highbrow Monthly' for the neighbours to see Grin

QuimReaper · 22/02/2018 16:47

Haribo YES, the Life! Death! Prizes!" bit is the best!

IT WAS POOOOOOOOO!!!!

Grin

wellhonestly · 22/02/2018 16:47

I bet their sales will spike this week!!! Grin

Gacapa · 22/02/2018 16:48

My favourite was "STALKED BY A LOVE-SICK MORPH".

FrayedHem · 22/02/2018 16:49

My favourite one was "Toilet had EYES and TEETH" (small animal in the loo).

My Take a Break Day would be:
My Neighbour's house is HAUNTED
Since the former owner died years ago, there have been many mysterious going's on. One day a PIG was running around the garden. No one stays long. Then today a MAN appeared to be moving in. I said "hi". He said "hello". But he has now VANISHED. I said to hubby, they need to get an exorcism done. The house is tainted with something dark.

Cocolepew · 22/02/2018 16:50

People never have sex, they always romp.
I'd love a romp Sad

TempusEejit · 22/02/2018 16:50

Nothing to add but this thread is splendid Grin

HarrietKettle · 22/02/2018 16:51

'A pair of blue eyes twinkled at me from the other side of the fence. 'Fancy a cuppa?' he said, a dazzling Brummie lilt to his voice. I felt the corners of my mouth twitch into a smile as I accepted. I'd only just moved in to the two-bed semi in Kicker Street, Solihull, after splitting up from my kid's Dad, but I could already see that I certainly wasn't going to be lonely. School pick up was hours away. What harm could a cuppa and a biccy do? Ignoring the growing pile of ironing i'd promised myself I'd do, I flicked a lock of my hair flirtily behind one ear and followed the handsome mysterious stranger next door'

OP posts:
HarrietKettle · 22/02/2018 16:51

Yes, for a ROMP Grin

OP posts:
NotASingleFuckToGive · 22/02/2018 16:52

Yy to locks/hair and "over time.." Grin

In the land of Take A Break, if your baby is born anywhere but in a hospital bed, then your reproductive system will be known to readers as "The womb that went zoom" Grin

GuyMartinsSideburns · 22/02/2018 16:54

This is making me laugh, Dh would ask "I'm going to the shop, do you want anything?"

"Yeah, get me something shit to read" Grin

The top tips used to crack me up!

Carouselfish · 22/02/2018 16:55

A colleague of mine once took enormous offence to me saying I'd just been reading all the trashy magazines in the waiting room. She'd bought all the Take A Breaks herself and was clearly reserving the word trashy for something even worse...

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