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BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress

705 replies

HarrietKettle · 22/02/2018 16:15

I picked up an abandoned copy of this in the canteen today had forgotten all about it- used to love reading my Nan's copies.

The style of writing is totally the same, it made me laugh.

  1. babies are never just born, they are 'pushed into the world'

  2. you don't just think 'I might be pregnant, I must take a test'. It has to be 'I gripped the table as a wave of nausea washed over me. I sat thoughtfully. Then I put on my coat, and walked to the chemist, then returned back to my home in Botley Grange, Lancs, with a package. I followed the instructions. I paced nervously with the little white stick in my hand. Finally, it was time to look. I was pregnant!'

  3. there is a headline on the front that reads 'BRIDE'S AGONY- BUM TORN APART BY WEDDING DRESS

    The poor woman had compartment syndrome, maybe but not definitely caused by the excersize she was doing in the run up to her wedding Confused

    Anyway it's made me laugh, and at home tonight I'll probably be narrating in my head things like 'the cat meowed with glee as I entered the front door of my flat in Hinkley Ave, Berks. 'Looks like it's just you and me tonight, Mavis' I muttered as she fixed me with a meaningful stare. My partner, Gary, was working late yet again. Sighting, I reached for the bar of chocolate I'd treated myself to and settled down to watch the soaps'

    Anyone care to add a Take a Break Style narration from their day?
OP posts:
actuallyithinkitdoes · 22/02/2018 17:24

beep laughing at the random capitals!

ladyratterley · 22/02/2018 17:25

I love these magazines! I’ve not read one for ages. My mum & I refer to them as “sad-rags” after that’s what Eddie referred to her mums take a break once in Absolutely Fabulous.

When I go on holiday with my two best friends we always buy some nice glossy magazine to read, as well as That’s Life! & take a break. We’ve been in hysterics before over the ridiculous stories.

The one that sticks in my head was headlined “Lisa’s cheesy snack spelt DOOM” and was about a woman who got a blister from a pizza, then caught an infection (possibly loosely connected to the blister) and then woke up from a coma and had lost both of her legs. Awful story but we couldn’t help but laugh at the headline!

MollyHopps · 22/02/2018 17:26

I fondly refer to these magazines as "Shat", "Take a Shit", "Shit me Up" etc

I find myself so amusing Blush

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 22/02/2018 17:28

Oh my dm used to love TAB. me too
Remember when Edina told her mum in Ab Fab "don't forget your sad mags!" They were sad mags in our house from then.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 22/02/2018 17:29

Cross post Lady.

StatelessPrincess · 22/02/2018 17:29

A poltergeist ravaged our Christmas turkey I'm crying Grin

greathat · 22/02/2018 17:29

Oh my nan used to read these. I'd forgotten all about them!

maras2 · 22/02/2018 17:30

I bloody loved TAB. I'd buy it on a Friday to read on the longish bus journey to my mums in the late 1990's.
1 hour of total relaxation away from work/home/kids. No mobile phone.
The stories were fab but the best bits were the consumer comparison stuff. Anything from margarine to fags were given a rating Smile.
Oo and the competitions with prizes better than you got on Bullseye though I never got round to sending them off.
Friday tomorrow isn't it? Should I risk ruining my rose coloured specs reminiscence or wallow in my trip down memory lane?

Ructation · 22/02/2018 17:31

@Ructation celebs also 'romp' constantly


How does one romp? I want a go.

goforkyourself · 22/02/2018 17:31

I love the stories where Moira (68) from Lanarkshire marries Ruki (24) from the Gambia and shock, horror it doesn't work out. And poor Moira ends up giving Ruki her house and life savings in the divorce settlement.

HarrietKettle · 22/02/2018 17:33

There's always 'LOVE RAT' tales of woe from a holiday in Marmaris, Turkey as well Grin

OP posts:
PerpendicularVincent · 22/02/2018 17:35

I think I've posted this before, but my all time favourite beginning to a story was 'as I vacuumed the lounge, I felt great because 3 months earlier I went to the hairdressers'.

There are always stories about people who are obviously having an affair, but their partner apparently had no clue.

'I gasped as I found a picture of my partner rimming Bob from down the road'.

'We're just friends' he soothed, and I persuaded myself I was being silly. Even when Bob came over with some cans of lager and a mankini with my husband's face on the crotch, I still thought I was wrong.

Then Bob's sister put a photo on Facebook of Bob marrying my husband, and I gasped again.

I tried to persuade him to move away for a 'fresh start', but he says he loves Bob.

Cue sad face photo of women looking into fridge whilst wearing a warm cardigan.

Crap may contacted Bob for his comments, and he said 'fuck off'.

Smokeahontas · 22/02/2018 17:35

The ‘top tips’ where a reader made a pair of slippers out of fanny pads.

BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress
Monkeyandbananas · 22/02/2018 17:38

Can I just add in here, I occassionally buy these magazines to read on a train or bus journey. It really bugs me how the content of the story has nothing to do with the headlines;
"My twin slept with my husband on our wedding night"
Nothing of the sort happened, it was her friend who, on occassion, people mentioned they looked similar to each other.
I was going to buy the magazine regardless. It just annoys me that the covers are sensationalised.
Rant over, off to get myself a life :)

Monkeyandbananas · 22/02/2018 17:39

I also love this post, thanks op!

GetOutOfMYGarden · 22/02/2018 17:42

if your man won't do this for you, why are you with him?


BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress
Clandestino · 22/02/2018 17:42

Lancaster Grandmother of 14 Sharon about her 24 years old lover Mambel from South Candystan:
"I know he stole all of my savings and spent them on his wedding to a girl from back home but I still love him. I am ready to take him back if his arranged marriage doesn't work out. We all deserve a second chance."
"I was shattered when I found out that the love messages on my boyfriend's telephone weren't from his pet hedgehog Selma as he used to assure me but from his wife of 10 years."
"I thought I deserved a chance at a new life when the last of my 8 kids left home so I booked two weeks of holidays in Turkey. Instead, my new handsome toy boy gave me HIV."

TheDailyMailLovesTheEUReally · 22/02/2018 17:42

Smoke beat me to it with the fanny pad slippers Grin

I love the way that the articles are always written in this semi-dramatic but rather staccato fashion.

Months had passed since Vince had left and I knew I was getting stronger. Could one day love again.

I'm sure there's a technical term for it but all of the articles seem to be written this way and I find it fascinating!

treaclesoda · 22/02/2018 17:42

And they're always saying 'I'd always wanted an older man to take care of me. So I was delighted when Barry took an interest in me. He was 19 and worked as an apprentice mechanic. Right from the start of our relationship Barry and I had dreamed of being parents. We spent hours talking about what we'd name our children. So we were delighted when on my 15th birthday I fell pregnant'.

And you look back and think 'did that say 15th birthday?'. Barry wants to be in prison, not smiling on the pages of TaB Confused

TinDogTavern · 22/02/2018 17:43

Love this.

BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress
BitOfFun · 22/02/2018 17:44

Tonight, I'll be tucking in to a well-deserved Chinese takeaway after putting the kiddies to bed, and snuggling up on the sofa with my twinkly-eyed cheeky chappie, who still makes me giggle after all these years...

GetOutOfMYGarden · 22/02/2018 17:44

Imagine going to meet your new partner's family for the first time and you see this

BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress
Clandestino · 22/02/2018 17:45

Do women in TaB also "flaunt their curves" when they are walking to a shop?

DarkDarkNight · 22/02/2018 17:46

I always read my mum's Take a Break and That's Life. Guilty pleasure.

BitOfFun · 22/02/2018 17:47

Or should I have said “tummy flip” instead of giggle?

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