My feed

to access all these features

This forum is the home of Mumsnet classic threads.

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Mumsnet classics

BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress

705 replies

HarrietKettle · 22/02/2018 16:15

I picked up an abandoned copy of this in the canteen today had forgotten all about it- used to love reading my Nan's copies.

The style of writing is totally the same, it made me laugh.

  1. babies are never just born, they are 'pushed into the world'

  2. you don't just think 'I might be pregnant, I must take a test'. It has to be 'I gripped the table as a wave of nausea washed over me. I sat thoughtfully. Then I put on my coat, and walked to the chemist, then returned back to my home in Botley Grange, Lancs, with a package. I followed the instructions. I paced nervously with the little white stick in my hand. Finally, it was time to look. I was pregnant!'

  3. there is a headline on the front that reads 'BRIDE'S AGONY- BUM TORN APART BY WEDDING DRESS

    The poor woman had compartment syndrome, maybe but not definitely caused by the excersize she was doing in the run up to her wedding Confused

    Anyway it's made me laugh, and at home tonight I'll probably be narrating in my head things like 'the cat meowed with glee as I entered the front door of my flat in Hinkley Ave, Berks. 'Looks like it's just you and me tonight, Mavis' I muttered as she fixed me with a meaningful stare. My partner, Gary, was working late yet again. Sighting, I reached for the bar of chocolate I'd treated myself to and settled down to watch the soaps'

    Anyone care to add a Take a Break Style narration from their day?
OP posts:
HarrietKettle · 22/02/2018 16:16

Sorry! Meant to read, I picked up a copy of Take a Break Blush

OP posts:
iBiscuit · 22/02/2018 16:18

I will! But later, cuz I'm meant to be working Blush

OhCalamity · 22/02/2018 16:18

Grin I'm not that creative a writer harriet but I will follow this thread with much amusement.

I do remember reading one once where a woman froze a tube of toothpaste and sliced it and all her dinner guests were well impressed with her after dinner mints Hmm

juddyrockingcloggs · 22/02/2018 16:18

OP I LOVE take a break headlines! I take pictures of them and send to my sister!

My favourite was a few months ago!

'I ate my own twins'... she did nothing of the sort but it made me howl!

Butterball17 · 22/02/2018 16:19

“ I brushed my long locks” why locks and not hair!!!

HarrietKettle · 22/02/2018 16:21

'The gloss of our whirlwind romance soon dulled to the matt of everyday life' was another great one from this copy Grin

OP posts:
QueenOfGaviscon · 22/02/2018 16:23

I now have an urge to go to Tesco and buy myself a few copies 😂

Cuppaand2biscuits · 22/02/2018 16:23

My nan used to save them for me. I also picked one up at work a few years ago and laughed at the writing style.
All the stories contain the line 'Over time.....'
We fell in love/grew apart.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 22/02/2018 16:24

I'm going to buy one tomorrow!

QueenLaBeefah · 22/02/2018 16:24

Pauline swapped creamy curries for healthy salads and the pounds just melted away.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 22/02/2018 16:25

My favourite ever headline in one of those magazines was "I went to bingo and woke up dead".

iklboo · 22/02/2018 16:26

I always remember the story where the wife was cooking sausages and her husband allegedly snuck up behind her in the nude & goosed her.

It was claimed she spun around with the hot pan, hit him in the nadgers by accident and the hot pan stuck fast to his willy.

And the woman who told the whole world (well, magazine readership) her masturbating session brought on a stroke.

beepthemeep · 22/02/2018 16:29

Oh they are genius. Especially the random capitals. "You hurt me MUM!" "Boyfriend SLEPT with sister IN my BED!"

And the top tips - how to give your budgie an orgasm using only a cardboard egg box and that sort of thing.

Today I would go for...

House of Fraser RUINED my DAY complete with a tearful picture of me holding the security tag that I had to go back to have removed.

LukesDiner · 22/02/2018 16:29

I made my way home on the 210 to Finsbury Park, listening to Ed Sheeran on the iPod and treating myself to my favourite snack, Werther's Originals, making my way home to hubby, 45, who had promised to cook me a slap up dinner to celebrate our 456th week anniversary and the birthdays of our two cats Harry and Meghan. Little did I know the horror that awaited me, in my three bedroom flat in Hackney. I turned the key in the door, pushed off my everything5pounds shoes, shrugged off my New Look fur-lined cape-style coat, and hung up my work lanyard. I was greeted by an unfamiliar smell, and although he had lit some tea lights and set the table, paper napkins and all, and was waiting for me, naked, apart from his apron, I had a funny feeling in my stomach. Things at this point couldn't have been better and his lopsided grin made me fall in love with him all over again. 'Hello, babes' he smiled, as he reached for the pan lid, to proudly show me what he had created. It was only then, when my heart sank. He had only gone and put chorizo in the paella, hadn't he? I knew it was over then, and it wasn't long until I met Mr Right, who knew much better. We have been happily living together with his adorable collection of snakes ever since.

FizzyGreenWater · 22/02/2018 16:30

There are also a very high percentage of evil twins. Probably more than the national percentage of twin births full stop!

I have never forgotten one headline I saw and ALWAYS regret not going back and finding out what the story was:


?!?!?!?!?!? Grin

MadisonAvenue · 22/02/2018 16:30

Haven't read Take A Break since before my kids were born (oldest is 21!) - I'm so buying a copy from Tesco tonight.

HarrietKettle · 22/02/2018 16:32

LukesDiner ha ha, that's brilliant!

It's always a 'slap up dinner', too isn't it?!

OP posts:
MissionItsPossible · 22/02/2018 16:33

I can't remember which one it is but it has the tagline: Life! Death! Prizes!

They are very economic with the truth. On one edition on the backpage there was a retraction over a story that appeared in the edition before about someone's wedding day with loads of bullet points like "Mrs xxxx did not say "it felt like she was floating down the aisle", "Mrs xxxx did not gasp in delight when she saw the cake" "Mrs xxxx did not say it was the happiest day in her life". It was so funny, they might as well have said "We retract the whole story except for: The part where there was a wedding and the part where she wore a wedding dress.

I've got some in my bathroom for mindless drivel when having a bath. I'll contribute some headlines and quotes later Smile

FuzzyCustard · 22/02/2018 16:34

"Rhododendrons" I whispered as quietly as I could.
"RHODODENDRONS!!!!" he repeated in utter joy as we danced around the hand painted kitchen in rural north Cornwall. YES, the new hearing aids were working!!

MimsyBorogroves · 22/02/2018 16:34

I used to buy those "real life story" mags as a way to lighten up long train rides to London.

My favourite one was when there was an "accidental" typo in the mag and "social worker" became "social wanker".

ElsieMc · 22/02/2018 16:35

Love it op. I have become reacquainted with the writing and headline style during a number of visits to the hospital recently. Its even worth being kept waiting - disappointed it was only fifteen minutes on Monday.

What a story I could have written because I was attending for a colonoscopy. "The nurse looked at me worriedly, concern etched on her face as she observed "You will feel windy today, Elsie, but just let it go and it will serve that husband of yours right for not attending with you...". I looked at her sadly.

MissionItsPossible · 22/02/2018 16:36

It's always a 'slap up dinner', too isn't it?! I HATE Slap up dinner it reminds me of Beano comics with a lump of potato with sausages sticking out of it!


Don’t want to miss threads like this?


Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

ItsNachoCheese · 22/02/2018 16:36

The headlines are too funny sometimes 😂

falsepriest · 22/02/2018 16:38

I love reading the headlines of those mags while I queue in my my local shop every other morning or so. Makes me feel so normal boring.

BabloHoney · 22/02/2018 16:39

My sister and I love the 'real life' magazine headlines! My favourites, off the top of my head, are 'my ninja kitten left me for dead' and 'a ghost stole ALL my savings'.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.