My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

This forum is the home of Mumsnet classic threads.

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Mumsnet classics

BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress

705 replies

HarrietKettle · 22/02/2018 16:15

I picked up an abandoned copy of this in the canteen today had forgotten all about it- used to love reading my Nan's copies.

The style of writing is totally the same, it made me laugh.

  1. babies are never just born, they are 'pushed into the world'

  2. you don't just think 'I might be pregnant, I must take a test'. It has to be 'I gripped the table as a wave of nausea washed over me. I sat thoughtfully. Then I put on my coat, and walked to the chemist, then returned back to my home in Botley Grange, Lancs, with a package. I followed the instructions. I paced nervously with the little white stick in my hand. Finally, it was time to look. I was pregnant!'

  3. there is a headline on the front that reads 'BRIDE'S AGONY- BUM TORN APART BY WEDDING DRESS

    The poor woman had compartment syndrome, maybe but not definitely caused by the excersize she was doing in the run up to her wedding Confused

    Anyway it's made me laugh, and at home tonight I'll probably be narrating in my head things like 'the cat meowed with glee as I entered the front door of my flat in Hinkley Ave, Berks. 'Looks like it's just you and me tonight, Mavis' I muttered as she fixed me with a meaningful stare. My partner, Gary, was working late yet again. Sighting, I reached for the bar of chocolate I'd treated myself to and settled down to watch the soaps'

    Anyone care to add a Take a Break Style narration from their day?
OP posts:
Lovestonap · 22/02/2018 16:56

OP I came on this thread to say exactly that. The men are always 'gorgeous with blue twinkly eyes' and then the picture shows a Billy Mitchell look a like.

I haven't bought Tab In ages but I picked up a copy in the supermarket just to read that dress story (I imagined an infection caused by a faulty zip injury). Nothing to do with the poor dress!

People don't gain weight the 'pounds soon piled on' and yy to the poster who mentioned the swaps, 'Karen swapped her fish and chips for soup and salad and the pounds melted away'. Yes. They would. Had Karen not considered this previously?

Justanothernameonthepage · 22/02/2018 16:56

'It was just another normal day when the front door was thrown open by a hunky swat team. The interrogation technique turned hot and steamy before they left me forlorn and alone.' (or local CPO team knocked on my door, following up on an attempted break in, had a cup of tea before leaving).

IMightMentionGriddlebone · 22/02/2018 16:56

DH and I like to read the most dramatic cover headlines out and then challenge each other to guess the what the story behind the headline will be. I'm winning at the moment.

Quadrangle · 22/02/2018 16:57

Two months later our marriage was sealed when i fell pregnant. We sat down to a slap up meal with all the trimmings

GuyMartinsSideburns · 22/02/2018 16:58

'Rat-faced little weasel' has just set me right off Grin Think il be nipping to the co op later

Rylanmakesmyheartsmile · 22/02/2018 16:58

"Traumatised by the day from hell which forced me into counselling"

Happy-go-lucky stay at home mum was left traumatised after "the day from hell". She was forced to deviate from her daily walk route after a neighbour made a grisly find on the local walking trail. The discovery of a dead seagull on the beautiful and picturesque pathway has shocked the quiet and peaceful community.

Having just arrived home and made a soothing cup of tea, this gentle stay at home mum was shocked further when her mobile phone rang completely out of the blue. "I jumped out of my skin." said the mum, "I was just busying myself making tea and cutting a slice of cake to calm my nerves, when the phone rang and terrified me all over again."

To the mum's horror, on the other end of the phone was a telemarketing company asking for details of any recent accidents she had been involved in. "I was suddenly transported back to 1988 when my dad drove through a deep puddle in our Vauxhall nova and the car juddered and stopped. He had to spend several minutes foutering with the choke to get it going again while the car behind us waited for us to move. Ever since I have been heart-scared of having an accident and this call just brought back so many memories and so much trauma."

As if all this wasn't enough to send anyone over the edge, our brave mum was hit by yet another unpleasant episode - the third in as many hours! Upon collecting her innocent 6 year old from school she was accosted by the head of the PTA and asked to bake for the fundraising bake sale. "After my disaster when trying to cut a slice of cake an hour earlier, I just couldn't even get the words out to reply. I just squeaked hysterically and turned and fled."

"I have had to book myself in for counselling after my "day from hell". I'll never be the same again."

Frogletmamma · 22/02/2018 16:58

Abandoned by husband on London jaunt. 10yo Daughter drinking mocktails to get over the agony. Frozen nipples on 2 mile hike from Chiquitos and NO! WE DON'T NEED YOUR DOUBLE GLAZING.

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/02/2018 17:00

When I had my appendix out I asked then DH to get me a couple of papers. He came back with said papers and Take a Break. He said he had to buy it because of the headline "Hubbies brain exploded during sex!!!" Not a good thing to read when you cant laugh for pain!

Turned out that the couple had had sex and then within a couple of hours he had a stroke. Horrible for him of course, but not quite the X Files style gore fest the headline implied! I bought it for months afterwards!

StatelessPrincess · 22/02/2018 17:00

I'll never forget MOSQUITOES MADE ME PREGNANT! My friend used to have a laminated collage in her bathroom made up of all these mad headlines, I miss it! Bet the writers on these magazines have so much fun at work Grin

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 22/02/2018 17:01

I love the 'brainwaves' Grin

ArcticMumkey · 22/02/2018 17:03

I know someone who featured in one of these years ago, it was about her friend who copied everything she did then had an affair with her H.
Headine was "She stole my curtains, then my husband!"

metoothree · 22/02/2018 17:03

best headline evs: 'Beasts Howled At Me'

Trans: while I drove home, I heard a dog barking. Told like a thriller over a double page spread.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 22/02/2018 17:04

I'm crying with laughter here. I love Take a Break. I used to get my daughter all the crap magazines and a big bar of chocolate when she had her periods - it became the happiest time of the month.

Love the photos of the men - as a PP said, they'd describe the guy so you'd think he was going to be great, then a little rat-face with no teeth would be on the next page...

JugglingMummyof2 · 22/02/2018 17:05

Hope no-one minds - it was TakeaBreak mag.....
I would like to share this gem that I saw and photographed in the hairdressers two weeks ago - thought my pal and I could get a blue and a pink one and really steal the show everywhere we went.

BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress
JaneyGotAGun · 22/02/2018 17:05

There’s always a photo of them looking sad captioned “Me now”

Or

“I picked up the phone” alongside a photo of them on the phone 😂

Sloegin2 · 22/02/2018 17:05

People are always squealing in TAB.

Eg;
‘My hubby walked into the kitchen and threw down a pile of glossy travel brochures. “We’re off to lanzerote!” He trilled. “Fantastic!” I squealed, imagining the sun, sand and .... everything else the holiday would bring.

HariboIsMyCrack · 22/02/2018 17:05

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 22/02/2018 17:05
Grin
BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress
JugglingMummyof2 · 22/02/2018 17:06

The close up....

BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress
PyongyangKipperbang · 22/02/2018 17:06

YY to "Gorgeous" men who make David Mellor look like Ryan Reynolds!

DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 22/02/2018 17:07

Last pic never posted

BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress
DannyLaRuesBestFrock · 22/02/2018 17:07

Oops it did 😣

crumbsinthecutlerydrawer · 22/02/2018 17:08

These used to lay around the staff room at work years ago, I remember reading about a woman who’d started a relationship with her younger lodger and after one particular night she couldn’t stop having orgasms. All the time. She’d been to a&e and her diagnosis was ‘multiple orgasms’. Confused

They went back to her a year or two later and she still had the problem, because she’d been in the magazine, people in the shops recognised them and would tease him for being some kind of mega hunk. He really didn’t look like one.

I don’t know why I remember this one in particular so well but I sometimes wonder if she’s still going.

2018February · 22/02/2018 17:08

Oh god yes 'biccie' instead of biscuit Angry

Love a top tip though - fold out foil from your cake to make a coaster Hmm always have friends and family complimenting them on their ingenuity. Yeah right.

Favourite ' joke' was about the wife who was tricked into naming their daughter lanesra... because her DH was an Arsenal fan. Classy.

TieGrr · 22/02/2018 17:08

I love the fact that in the description the blokes come across as some kind of hunka burnin' love, and then there's a picture of a rat-faced little weasel.

'His warm eyes and cheeky grin gave me butterflies!' next to a photo of a Shane McGowan lookalike

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.