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BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress

705 replies

HarrietKettle · 22/02/2018 16:15

I picked up an abandoned copy of this in the canteen today had forgotten all about it- used to love reading my Nan's copies.

The style of writing is totally the same, it made me laugh.

  1. babies are never just born, they are 'pushed into the world'

  2. you don't just think 'I might be pregnant, I must take a test'. It has to be 'I gripped the table as a wave of nausea washed over me. I sat thoughtfully. Then I put on my coat, and walked to the chemist, then returned back to my home in Botley Grange, Lancs, with a package. I followed the instructions. I paced nervously with the little white stick in my hand. Finally, it was time to look. I was pregnant!'

  3. there is a headline on the front that reads 'BRIDE'S AGONY- BUM TORN APART BY WEDDING DRESS

    The poor woman had compartment syndrome, maybe but not definitely caused by the excersize she was doing in the run up to her wedding Confused

    Anyway it's made me laugh, and at home tonight I'll probably be narrating in my head things like 'the cat meowed with glee as I entered the front door of my flat in Hinkley Ave, Berks. 'Looks like it's just you and me tonight, Mavis' I muttered as she fixed me with a meaningful stare. My partner, Gary, was working late yet again. Sighting, I reached for the bar of chocolate I'd treated myself to and settled down to watch the soaps'

    Anyone care to add a Take a Break Style narration from their day?
OP posts:
treaclesoda · 22/02/2018 17:47

Do women in TaB also "flaunt their curves" when they are walking to a shop?

Only if the story is about how her twinkly eyed hubby taught her how to love herself despite being overweight. 'I love a woman with a bit of meat on her bones' said Gaz...

Littlepond · 22/02/2018 17:47

The one I always remember: "I handed my daughter to a STRANGER to save her LIFE and I NEVER SAW HER AGAIN".
It was a story about giving a child up for adoption!

Used to read Take a Break, Chat etc on the train travelling home from Uni for the weekend in the 90s Grin. Cheap magazines and a Diet Coke and that's how the train journey's done...

TacoFlavouredKisses · 22/02/2018 17:51

I'm so glad the readers' tips have been mentioned here - they need their own thread! 😂

HarrietKettle · 22/02/2018 17:51

'His greying hair and wrinkled complexion told me that he was far older than me'

No shit Sherlock.

'But despite the occasional cry of 'PAEDO' in the street, I couldn't be more proud to be with Alf, in spite of the 50 year age gap' ShockHmm

'Soon after, I fell pregnant. Alf griped my hand as I pushed our son into the world. 'Hello little one!' I exclaimed as the nurse handed me the precious bundle. Alf's milky blue eyes misted with wonder. 'Would your Grandad like a hold?' Said the nurse. Alf and I shared a private smile. We were used to these kind of comments by now!

OP posts:
HarrietKettle · 22/02/2018 17:52

Oh my god, I never knew what I wanted to do with my life. Clearly I've always just wanted to write for Take A Break Grin

OP posts:
goforkyourself · 22/02/2018 17:53

Lots of Hassan LOVE RATS from Tunisia all inclusives too Sad I do remember stumbling across a forum/support group years ago for victims of Tunisian love rats. I think it was set up by the mother of a 16 year old who fell prey to Ali, the King Love Rat. It was both horrifying and hilarious.

Clandestino · 22/02/2018 17:53

'I love a woman with a bit of meat on her bones' said Gaz...

I hope Gaz is another Ryan Reynolds lookalike. In a wife-beater vest and a can of Stella in his beefy palm.

treaclesoda · 22/02/2018 17:56

I hope Gaz is another Ryan Reynolds lookalike. In a wife-beater vest and a can of Stella in his beefy palm.

He certainly is. He also weighs six stone and has to lift the Stella with both hands because it's too heavy for one.

Clandestino · 22/02/2018 17:56

HarrietKettle your milky blue eyes almost killed me.
Trying to keep my mouth shut while it's full of Schweppes tonic water while hysterically laughing is a recipe for disaster.

Sidge · 22/02/2018 17:57

Genius Grin

BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress
Sidge · 22/02/2018 17:58

Scraping the barrel...

BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress
Smokeahontas · 22/02/2018 17:58

‘The gable was groaning with food as I settled for another night in with Tombola bingo for company.’

Smokeahontas · 22/02/2018 17:59

*table, not gable.

HazelBite · 22/02/2018 18:00

They never fancy anyone they become "smitten".

milliemolliemou · 22/02/2018 18:02

Keep 'em coming, folks. Not sure which I prefer, the stupendous mags at the hairdresser's - a biannual affair where I read through Tatler, Vogue and Harper's and giggle. Or the dentists where there's all sorts of TABS, Hola and whatever ... and giggle.

Can anyone do the back story to ONE CALL DESTROYED MY LIFE? I saw the headline just now but didn't have time to read it ....

WhatsGoingOnEh · 22/02/2018 18:03

I LOVE Take a Break! It's hilarious. I often used to read it from my modest 3-bedroom semi in Berkshire, when my devoted husband Andrew was having a rare night out with his friends. "You're never alone with a TAB!" I used to smile, as I stirred my cuppa.

Anyway, ahem... has it still got the "My Operation" column? That was always my favourite.

SneakyGremlins · 22/02/2018 18:03
Grin
GetOutOfMYGarden · 22/02/2018 18:04

milliemolliemou most likely the other woman gave her a ring.

That or she was forced into witness protection!

Kittykat93 · 22/02/2018 18:04

I am loving the top tips Grin shaking with laughter whilst trying not to wake the baby who's asleep on my lap

MrsJoshDun · 22/02/2018 18:05

I have no idea what compartment syndrome is but I exercise quite a lot and am now worried I might get it and have my bum torn apart!

WotcherHarry · 22/02/2018 18:05

I always love the crap writing in these sorts of magazines. For some reason I particularly like the random captions with photos, always with one that says 'me now'. They are utter tripe but hilarious in their terribleness.

PicklingGherkins · 22/02/2018 18:05

I'll leave this here 😀

BRIDE'S AGONY- Bum Torn Apart By Wedding Dress
NoFucksImAQueen · 22/02/2018 18:12

There are always stories about people who are obviously having an affair, but their partner apparently had no clue.

'I gasped as I found a picture of my partner rimming Bob from down the road'.

'We're just friends' he soothed, and I persuaded myself I was being silly. Even when Bob came over with some cans of lager and a mankini with my husband's face on the crotch, I still thought I was wrong.

Then Bob's sister put a photo on Facebook of Bob marrying my husband, and I gasped again.

I tried to persuade him to move away for a 'fresh start', but he says he loves Bob.

Cue sad face photo of women looking into fridge whilst wearing a warm cardigan.


Jesus Christ, I got as far ask the mankini and just laughted so hard I cried. Now my 6 year old keeps asking what I'm laughing at Grin
Iv haven't laughed that uncontrollably for ages

Situp · 22/02/2018 18:15

Many many years ago, a story about me was in one of those magazines. Nothing dramatic, just a rather sweet story about my wedding. Think 4 weddings and a funeral ring fiasco

When I read what they had written I pointed out that half of it didn't happen and that they had said I was very stressed and upset that it was ruining my special day which was not true at all as we all found it quite funny and I was the most laid back bride ever, but I was told people wouldn't enjoy it if I hadn't been distressed Shock

Anyway, we didn't tell anyone at the time and the cash paid for a new sofa which wad good as we were totally broke at the time!

Hopefully nobody has and back issues going back that far Grin

goforkyourself · 22/02/2018 18:15

The 'me now' photos are bad enough but the 'us now' ones are worse. My Darren shagged my mum, auntie, grandmother and impregnated my sister with twins but we've worked it out and he loves me. Then there's a little paragraph at the end from Darren who says 'Yeah I was drunk and made a mistake' Confused

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