Quirky house rules prompted by bitter experience

[KERALA1]

No under 8s allowed to use cling film (rendered unusable)

Windows always to be closed when you go out for day however high up you are (pigeon lays egg in bedroom drama)

Cheap feather boas not allowed in house (purple feathers everywhere for weeks)

I see your glitter and raise you Easter grass, which I am reliably informed will be cited on the divorce papers if it ever darkens our door again.

If you bring a bucket of slugs into the house you MUST put a lid on it.

No chasing the kids with weetabix or watermelons.....

No Coldplay, ever.
Ditto U2.
No using the arm of the sofa as a table for hot mugs of tea.
No washing of clothes until every pocket has been triple checked for paper or tissues.

For birthdays/Christmas

No lego
Absolutely nothing that could potentially be used as a weapon - this has very much been learnt the hard way

No bikes on the trampoline.

No writing on your sister.

No bare bums on my pillow.

No talking during Brooklyn Nine Nine.

No painting daddy's nails while he's asleep on the sofa (his rule, not mine).

No trumping whilst wearing a leotard (DS told DD(4) that it would inflate and she's been trying to make it happen at every opportunity).

And no Heeleys in the kitchen!

Just one superule round here:
Do What I Say, Right Now.

Do not whisper while mum (me) is sleeping.
Do not stand and stare at mum when mum is sleeping.
Do not take pictures of mum when mum is sleeping.
Do not try to be helpful and turn off mums alarm clock.

No Coldplay, ever.

"Coldplay. Not even once."

john barrowman can be tolerated on tv but if he ever starts to sing the mute button must be immediately pressed.

no cooking after drinking. No playing football inside house.

No turning your mattress into a waterfall.

Quite how a four-year old managed to get a single mattress stripped and correctly angled in order to do this is still a mystery.

No hiding in the fucking beds!!

You must use a cup when making coffee.......no, the kitchen side does not need a drink. (DH every time he makes a drink)

You must ask everyone in the house if they need the loo before you get in the shower.

No crumbs in the butter (DH again)

No "hiding" My things up high just cos you think it's funny you are taller than me (everyone in the house)

Close the office door at night, the cat thinks it's her private toilet.

If I say something funny it is the law that you laugh as I am hilarious.

No weeing in the hallway. (DD sleep walking when she was 5-weed in the hallway-she's now 17 and yes it is funny)

Do not whisper while mum (me) is sleeping.
Do not stand and stare at mum when mum is sleeping.
Do not take pictures of mum when mum is sleeping.
Do not try to be helpful and turn off mums alarm clock.

You must not keep your maggots (fishing bait) in your bedroom.
You must not keep your maggots in the fridge.

The lid of the bait box full of maggots must be securely closed.

Sharpies can only be used at the table with a placemat under the paper.
No wet spoons in the sugar pot.

No cleaning your willy with your toothbrush.
No cleaning your brothers willy with your toothbrush.
Don't try to put your willy down the plug hole. Or up the bath tap.
Really we need one rule.... LEAVE YOUR WILLY/BROTHERS WILLY ALONE!

don't expect me to referee disputes/take apart toys/put together toys/get paints out/whatever unless I have had my morning coffee.

Don't mix the play doh colours together. Not because I'm particularly bothered by this, but I can't face the inevitable whining when you realise you now only have sludgy coloured play doh.

Oh and put the toilet lid down after using it or I'll make you fish the cat out of the toilet

No unsupervised felt tips.

No bare bums on furniture.

All sticks must be left in the porch.

Keith Lemon must be switched off immediately if he ever comes on TV unexpectedly.

The wedge must be put in the patio door whenever it is open.

The OPs weird house rules don't seem that weird to me. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Especially the feather boa one.

No invoking Satan!