Quirky house rules prompted by bitter experience

[KERALA1]

No under 8s allowed to use cling film (rendered unusable)

Windows always to be closed when you go out for day however high up you are (pigeon lays egg in bedroom drama)

Cheap feather boas not allowed in house (purple feathers everywhere for weeks)

Obviously, young children should never be let loose with scissors - but you may think the bluntish, so-called kid-friendly type are totally harmless. . . . . WRONG!
I've got a punctured exercise ball, butchered family photos, cushions with triangles snipped off the corners etc. to prove that in the hands of determined little girls those scissors are lethal.

No glitter.
It's the herpes of crafts.

No sitting on the glass table.

No Wi EVER without the fucking wrist straps.

Faerie - it's because of a card game we sometimes play called Anomia (www.anomiapress.com/our-games.html) In it you have to name something that relates to a card another player has (as quickly as possible)

The card came up that said something like 'rock star' and all I could think about was Bon Jovi. We then had a lively debate about if he was a rock star or not... then later on a card came up that was Rock Band and Bon Jovi was wheeled out again (and another debate). Finally a card came up that said Guitarist and I couldn't stop myself from saying Bon Jovi again. It became a kind of running joke when we play the game and a house rule that Bon Jovi is not allowed in any form.

In fact, if he or his band pitched up at the door we'd have to say, Oi! Bon Jovi! No!

No Simpsons while the children are awake

the repetition of "Doh" "AhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaHHH" "Bart!" "EEEEeeeexcellent!" made me murderous.

And for the longest time we had a no cereals for breakfast or in the house there would be bickering about who chose the type, who opened the packet, who could read the box (front and back) who could fit the most in their bowl, who had the most or least milk left when the cereal had been eaten...christ i am feeling tense just recalling the nonsense, never mind the spoon clanging and crunching!

No aftersun with added fake tan allowed on the premises. I don't want the humiliation of looking like a tie-dyed David Dickinson ever again.

No flowerpots in the living room.

No skipping while holding a violin.

No cartwheels on the landing.

BangkokBlues bit harsh, I was trying to keep it lighthearted like everyone else I can assure you he is responsible for cleaning his own toilet especially on the very rare occasion that this happens.

No trampolining while eating.

No surfing down the stairs on a sleeping bag

Oh, remembered our ones -

• No leaving Sudocream (or other creams) within reach of a toddler - it IS possible to be covered in it head to toe. Not easy to scrub off.
• (special rule for 'babysitting' MALE parents) - check in on small children after 5 min of no noise!!!! Set an alarm if you have to.

Cat rules:

• if you appaent block has a nice problem - don't be 'nice' to your cat and let them out to the common area late at night... They don't need to have FUN hunting.

There are more fun things humans can do that trying to catch an injured mouse under their bed....

'Apparent' and 'MICE problem'
Obv

iPhone sabotage

Don't cut wrapping paper on the dining table with the tablecloth STILL ON - it looks like Edward Scissor Hands has been to dinner.

don't take your eyes off a toddler for a nano second whilst feeding them yes GD baby food everywhere is not a good look

cola - skipping with a violin

My friends who lived in the Kimberley had:

1. No leaving the toilet lid open between uses, ever - after a massive frog jumped out of the toilet bowl while their dad was weeing, landing on his willy, and

1. no leaving the birdcage on the ground, after a snake came onto the veranda and ate the bird out of his cage.

If you have a fresh from the farmer's market pork pie or other snack type food big enough for sharing, you must 100% clarify and then double check that the other person doesn't want any of it at all, as this is different to not right now because they are busy.

No tap dancing on the minton tiles

No videoing of siblings without express consent. This includes arguments, wind ups, pranks and conversations with mum.

Pants After Poo.

Nuff said I think.

No trying to slide downstairs on tea tray (pretending to be Ralph Richardson in Tarzan)

No sliding down banisters with dog or rabbit or hamster

No drying your hands on the white linen curtains when you've spilt chocolate milk [ok so dd was only 3 yrs at the time]

No trying to carry one home-made pastry case, one jug of lemon curd custard, one man's shirt for ironing and one man's pair of formal shoes for polishing, downstairs, all at the same time, in a hurry before church on Sunday.

Oh yes ... always, always put a large bowl in the kitchen sink, when straining stock for Sunday lunch, that has been simmering for over 4 hrs .... .

Keep back door locked at all times. the dog can open it and go for a wander at 1 am and you think he had vanished blackdog/ night time not a great combo.

Pants After Poo

No buttering of bread before it goes in the toaster.
No practising of "ninja moves" on Nanny's plasterboard walls.
Barbeque coal is NOT to be used as facepaint substitute (see also: "Charcoal is really difficult to remove but not as difficult to remove as the belief in a rural village that your children are MASSIVE racists").
Check, check and check again, if you're looking for the Anbesol.
Washing powder is for washing clothes, not placing inside pillowcases as a (admittedly v. v. v. effective) sneezing powder.
If the prawns are grey, they ain't cooked!

There are others but I think I'll leave it for now!