Quirky house rules prompted by bitter experience

[KERALA1]

No under 8s allowed to use cling film (rendered unusable)

Windows always to be closed when you go out for day however high up you are (pigeon lays egg in bedroom drama)

Cheap feather boas not allowed in house (purple feathers everywhere for weeks)

You must sit down if kicking something down the stairs.

No asking for anything until I've taken my coat off (sometimes my coat stays on for a good 30 mins).

I once went out with a chap whose mum wouldn't let him wear a top whilst eating. It was the first time I'd met his parents or been to their house, we'd just sat down to eat and as he picked up his fork his mum gave him a look and said 'come on Darren you know the rules'. He looked mortified and went 'muuuum, c'mon'. I had no idea what was going on. She glared at him again and he took his top off, ate his dinner bare chested then put it back on again once we'd eaten. We were both about 23 at the time...l.

Always hide your ladyshave (shocking but hilarious story of a 10 year old boy and his eyebrows) 😂

No naked trampolining. No unicycles upstairs.

boredbeforeievenbegin

Your house sounds amazing!!

Couscous suppers and glitter play are only allowed on the day before the cleaner comes. Or used to come since we haven't had one for a couple of years.

If we are all out the hamster cage has to be locked in the study - otherwise the cat sits like a vulture over her cage her all day.

You get a kiss for each bone you find in your fish.

If you find a cardboard box in the kitchen cupboard with 'recycling, do not throw away / keep' written in felt pen on all 4 sides inside and outside - don't throw it away.
If a phone charger is sellotaped to the socket, it's not OK to remove it and take it to your room
If you feel you have to go round the house closing all the doors to keep the cat out before you go out, check that the cat isn't in the room first. The door closer is responsible for any necessary cleaning.
All worktops and dining table must be sprayed with antibac spray and wiped immediately before use (cat related)
No food to be left within 12 inches of the edge of the worktop /table or on a side table for more than 5 seconds (dog related)
No food to be left out to cool, that's what the warming drawer is for. (not switched on, obviously). (cat and dog related).
If the remote control is on top of the extractor hood, that means you're not allowed to watch TV, it's not intended as a climbing challenge

DH will have no access to the airing cupboard at any time.

School bag to be off in the house, not on your back. Every day! Picking up tiny shards of glass from the stairs at 7am after school bag on back smashed jelly bean dispenser is not the one!

Having grown up with brothers and then having only sons, and a now ex with a terrible aim, I do not understand why men can't sit down for a pee in house toilets. Have finally trained them now, though, to put down lid so it doesn't splash everywhere when they flush.

No licking the cat.

No eating someone else's Easter egg and blaming it on the hamster!

for my 6yr old;
No poo marks in the loo (he's learned to clean his own now)
No devices at the dinner table
No getting out of dinner table without asking
No football/scooter/bike riding in the hallway
No climbing on the living room furniture
No muddy football boots in the house

Must set timer when boiling eggs because once someone I forgot about an egg boiling on the stove and it exploded. DH and I spent a Saturday night cleaning up burnt egg off the floor, ceiling etc.

No singing a single line or couplet of a song over and over and over until I want to smash things and poke my ears in with knitting needles.

Lodgers: Please wrap used condoms discreetly in toilet paper and place in the bathroom bin. Or better still, straight in the outside bin. Do not drop them down the back of the radiator.

(Discovered next time I decorated the bedroom. Boak.)

"Stop it please" means just that, immediately with no argument no matter who asks. Arose from tickle fights but might have a more serious use one day.

Don't believe the walking stomachs cats

If there are feathers in the garden, please try and find the rest of the pigeon before the flies do, and bin it.

Never leave the loo cover up. Inquisitive cats covered in loo water are not very sanitary.

We do not have a sofa-lene

Never microwave your boiled egg. The clean up will more than make up for any time you might have saved... (that was my dad, in the mid-80s)

When using a mixer, always tie your long hair back.

Anything in the fridge that's still wrapped in a plastic bag is not to be eaten/tasted/even looked at.

If you leave a vanish soap bar/chocolate/fishing equipment within reach of idiot Labrador, you will be so let responsible for resulting vet's bill.

Worms live outside.

Leave all sticks outside the front door when returning from a walk.

When at the beach, only pebbles you can carry yourself may come home. (This rule under reassessment after the occasion when DS put so many pebbles in his pockets that his shorts fell down)

Do not sellotape your sister to the wall.

NOT ON THE STAIRS! (Covers many things)

If you take a shirt out of the wardrobe and then decide not to wear it, it goes back in the wardrobe. Ditto jeans after only one wear etc. THE LAUNDRY BASKET IS NOT CLOTHES STORAGE.

Please do put your worn pants in the laundry basket. That is in fact what it is there for.

Don't fart at me when I'm changing your nappy then giggle.

Snails are not pets.

Glitter only to be used in rooms with hard flooring.

No glitter. It's the herpes of crafts.
It's called festive anthrax in this house.

I forgot: no attempting to power slide on the carpets. (Nasty carpet burns which were hard to explain).

I'm not allowed to touch my dds phone after changing the names of her contacts. It took her ages to put it right . Though I have to say I am still Batmam on the contact list

And no pooing in the kitchen sink because you can't find the bathroom

(I've NC for this as it's very outing)