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Original poster

Wanky Corporate Speak Thread

354 replies

Chil1234 · 07/01/2011 15:49

Inspired elsewhere a thread for your direst examples of wanky corporate speak..... Come ladies, let's run it up the flagpole and see how it flies. For, as one of my old bosses memorably put it 'if we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure'...

OP posts:
Wigeon · 07/01/2011 22:09

Do more with less / efficiency savings = you're all loosing your jobs but there is the same amount of work to do.

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 07/01/2011 22:10

Not only did we play bullshit bingo, in an ailing floral retailer I used to work in, but we had a director who loved using jargon and wank speak. So we started to introduce our own made up ones, or any that were appropriate to see how long it was before she was quoting them in other meetings. Usually you needed to get them in three or four times before they were quoted to someone else.

Takver · 07/01/2011 22:11

Maybe there's an opportunity for cross fertilization between management wanky corporate speak, and new age hippy bullshit speak.

I have [oh the shame] caught myself asking people 'whether they feel the energy is right for this now'

Romanholiday · 07/01/2011 22:11

Hilarious! We get all of these (civil service here too). My boss is always bloody well saying 'granularity', 'crunchy' and 'bandwidth'. It's so annoying that I put in his appraisal feedback that he would sound more intelligent if he talked properly.

Where I work everything is called 'strategic'. Like by saying it's strategic it will become strategic by magic. Really annoying.

I hope you all read Lucy Kellaway in the FT? Hilarious commentary on corporate bullshit. She did a whole column on 'Going forward' once. It was brilliant.

I like GOD though. 'Let's set up a bilat between GOD and the PUS is pretty funny'.

Takver · 07/01/2011 22:11

In my innocence, I thought vanilla (ex ice cream, of course) was an approach to sex . . .

tinkgirl · 07/01/2011 22:13

dissemination

go on - look that one up!

keep these coming - I will have to complete an application form and attend an interview shortly for my own job so need to memorise some of these.

onehitwonder · 07/01/2011 22:13

we need to sweat the budget

TooImmature2BMum · 07/01/2011 22:14

Grin My favourite recently was my boss saying "I don't want to take my foot off the pedal with this one". PMSL as his "action" was to schedule a meeting to discuss the problem in two weeks time. Wow, boss, that's just amazing leadership there.

Takver · 07/01/2011 22:14

Obviously the opposite of insemination, tinkgirl (must change lines of thinking here Grin)

mylifewithstrangers · 07/01/2011 22:18

Some awful phrases I've heard used in meetings (as well as many already mentioned): top-down, win-win situation, paradigm shift

I rather like 'bleeding edge' though

It's business acronyms that always get me
KPI, LAST, SLA, OOO (out of office)
And I'm always bemused by KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid) the actual phrase being a refreshingly direct observation, but the acronym sadly bleeding all the joy of life out of it.

The one I do like though is
PICNIC: Problem In Chair, Not In Computer (obviously an IT helpdesk classic)

TooImmature2BMum · 07/01/2011 22:19

Tinkgirl I hate it when they make you apply for your own job! Especially when you are being interviewed by someone who you know doesn't understand what it is you actually do, and who isn't bothering to interview anyone else because he is only going through the motions because HR say it would be a breach of inequalities legislation not to. What about career advancement/development - ie, I have been doing a job very well, so why do I have to jump through all these hoops to be allowed to do it permanently? It is especially annoying because no one external ever beats the internal candidate.

LadyBlaBlah · 07/01/2011 22:21

Not quite on the right lines......but one of my favourite 'office cartoon' things here

treedelivery · 07/01/2011 22:22

Crying with laughter here - this is a mn classic.

LadyBlaBlah · 07/01/2011 22:26

How about "this will be a great opportunity to expand your cv"

Which means - will you do the job of 2 people for no extra money, you mug

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 07/01/2011 22:28

There was an infamous retail director years ago, who, if not happy with your questioning would just reply by email:

JFDI

(just f*cking do it)
if you got one of these mails your end was nigh!

LadyBlaBlah · 07/01/2011 22:28

"we made an EBITDA profit of £ 6m"

Which means you made a profit before interest, tax, amortisation and depriciation. So that's no profit at all then?

FlightofFancy · 07/01/2011 22:29

OK, if we've introduced Myers Briggs to the corporate speak room 101, then surely the 7 Habits of Highly Successful Wankers People should be there as well.

I had an ex-boss who thought the whole team would benefit from reading it, and we all got given a copy - then had to book group it with someone summarising a chapter each week...

Mercedes519 · 07/01/2011 22:31

The Americans have a lot to answer for turning nouns into verbs.

I have often been invited to an ideation session. With no trace of irony. And we need to 'productise' 'diarise' and possibly 'murderise' these issues challenges.

Love the fuck-up fairy..Grin

Mercedes519 · 07/01/2011 22:33

But did recently have to explain RTFM. Don't know that this is corporate speak though, I use it in real life too!

LadyBlaBlah · 07/01/2011 22:34

Integrated solution
Tailored Solution
Any thing which describes a solution, because it is never a solution because usually there is not a problem to solve unless some salesman creates one

LadyBlaBlah · 07/01/2011 22:35

I read that fucking book FoF.

I should invoice them for compensation because my paradigm failed to shift and I just couldn't gain traction

UKcanuck · 07/01/2011 22:36

Onehit: my company often seems to prefer us to "do more, worse" Grin

We don't get "rewarded" for doing a good job. We get "recognized". That's always bothered me. Shouldn't they recognize me already? They hired me; my picture's on my security pass...

Mercedes519 · 07/01/2011 22:36

Lady, my company actually banned the use of the word solution because it is completely meaningless. Mind you these are the same people who use 'ideation' so hit and miss really Hmm

LadyBlaBlah · 07/01/2011 22:37

They give with one hand but take with another Mercedes

toddlerwrangler · 07/01/2011 22:39

Local government bod here. My favourites are:

Good practice = A idea idea.

Best practice = A really really good idea.

We need someone to champion the concept = Even though I'm a senior manager I need somone even more senior to take rsponsibilty for this as I dont really know what I'm doing.

Joint commissioning exercise - working on a project with someone who sits two desks away from you.

Partnership working - working on a project wih someone who sits three desks away from you.

Everything is strategic. If its noy strategic its just not worth getting out of bed for in our place.

Managing client expectations = getting people to accept there is no public money to pay for social care services these days without kicking up a stink.