Wanky Corporate Speak Thread

[Chil1234]

Inspired elsewhere a thread for your direst examples of wanky corporate speak..... Come ladies, let's run it up the flagpole and see how it flies. For, as one of my old bosses memorably put it 'if we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure'...

I think you may have got it OTheHugeManatee! Sharing the load, it must mean.

Feeling quite proud of what we've achieved here this evening

That is spooky, Binfull - I am INTP, but the I/E is very borderline!

Some more made-up clap-trap...

'Let's "sweat lodge" the issue.'
'Pushing back on unicorn strategies'

Coming soon to a meeting near you...

Oh God, someone said Myers Briggs.

bangs head against wall in attempt to drive all memories of this utter claptrap from her brain

I've done it about 4 times now and it's always different. Utter bollocks.

Eeeww @ 'let's sweat lodge the issue'

This may have been added as have not read whole thread but we had an HR woman who could only say "we just need to park this and move on" whenever anyone was unhappy about anything....which was most of the time....idiot

Core competencies
optimising processes
exploit strategic opportunities
constructive feedback
embrace change
foster creativity

There may be no I in TEAM, but there is a U in C*NT.

One of our old MDs kept talking abouthow the companies fortunes, 'we were like planes stacking up over heathrow just waiting to come in'

Years later, they're still stacking up there.

Same company had a corporate song. Used to play at at the beginning of conferences and on the monthly update video we used to get.

Wankers.

What about that old classic "onwards and upwards", generally used to cover up some fucking hideous mess

I am drowning in corporate wank speak....

'Heres a build' - think build means an idea!?
'Transactional Conversation' - talking about work
'My challenge to you is' - here is a problem that I can't be bothered to deal with, you sort it out.

and most of the others mentioned here.

We also do a great line in acronyms:
BDM - Business Development Manager
BDD - Business Development Director
TC - Telephone Conference
VC - Video Conference
OGSM - I'm not even sure what this is? Objectives, Goals, Stategy and something beginning with M (monkeys?)

I am also loving the fuck up fairy and hope to introduce her to my colleagues in the near future

reach out to XXXX - er, phone them?

ok, if he washes his face. or, he covers his costs.

anything including the deathless "leverage" (WTF) or "gearing" (ditto). How the boys like their engineering analogies.

ooh ohh just remembered another one:
'be the change you want to see'

arrrrgh

This is so funny. Very that I sometimes use these phrases - but it's contagious!

I'm also civil service and love the endless acronyms. Funnily enough, the only phrase which hasn't been turned into an acronym is the 'Business Unit Recovery Plan'. Wonder which genius thought that one up!

engineering reminds me, at DH's old company which was aerospace engineering and populated with lots of ex military types an emerency meeting about a problems was 'the war room' I kid you not!

Sweat lodge? Is that like hothouse?

Where I work (Quango), we don't get paid, we get rewarded.

My line manager is very keen to "unpack" problems.

I have never got the one about the ducks, but I do like and use "Quick and Dirty".

We have a "war room". In reality a room without windows and a lock where people can leave confidential papers without the cleaners etc seeing them. And I bet they smoke in there.

I haven't ever been allowed in the War Room.

Do people still use 'proactive'? As in 'we need to be proactive on this' = 'we need to go and do something about it'

That used to be my pet hate back in the day when I had to go to meetings.

Does this idea have any resonance?

How the fuck can an idea resonate?

And DO YOU KNOW THE WORST OF IT? It was me what said it

Lead me away now. In chains

You're in prison Quattro. Now try to get out of that envelope .

Sadly, proactive is happily doing the rounds in middle england corporate life. I am always saying "do you mean "active"". Then relapsing into my Bryan Ferry fantasy (old gimmer emoticon).

takvar
God yes! If you aren't proactive how will you ever raise your profile and get rewarded for your forward thinking?

I am just loving this. Far better Friday night entertainment than most of the shite on the telly. Lady Blablah, am particularly fond of some of the ones you've listed. I'm puzzled by the constant reference to monkeys, though... and flagpoles.

I'm sure I'll think of others in the fullness of time. I hope to add to this at a later date.

This has made my night. Thank you all.

UKcanuck: It could be. Just a bit more smelly. I wish I had the guts to say it.

Wouldn't it be funny if we all went in to our next meeting and came out with one bizarre made-up phrase and delivered it as if it was common geek-speak?

and I keep getting 'challenged' to 'do less, better' Pardon?

I think my favourite is "Multiplicative Collaboration". Tried to read it outloud to DH and actually couldn't pronounce it. Tried again. And again. Still can't say the first word.

A stretchy monkey?!!?! Thank goodness that hasn't reached the civil service yet (perhaps I should be the one to introduce it? In the first situation in which a bit of jargon might be called for, regardless of what it might mean?)

Vanilla = too bland, too straightforward. Ex Navy chap went on about things being too vanilla in a meeting recently.

Ok, I challenge you all to a game of corporate-speak bingo next week at work. 1 point for each big of jargon you spot over the week. 10 points for mentioning an acronym you've made up yourself. 100 points for introducing fuckfairy and then by stealth getting someone else to use it.