Wanky Corporate Speak Thread

[Chil1234]

Inspired elsewhere a thread for your direst examples of wanky corporate speak..... Come ladies, let's run it up the flagpole and see how it flies. For, as one of my old bosses memorably put it 'if we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure'...

What about "behaviours". Not behaviour, that's what one does. But "Behaviours" - ie things that one does.

Sorry about the use of "one".

I can't stand talking about someone's behaviours. How silly.

We have both "deep dives" and "quick and dirty", neither are fun.

And always have to remain "outcomes focussed"

I once had a bet with DH that he had to get the phrase "let's throw some balls on the tennis court and see if they bounce" into a meeting, and apparently he did

Drilling down and unpacking stuff.

I once worked under a 'descending flightpath of headcount'. This apparently meant people were being made redundant.
Also had a manager who insisted things were 'within our gift'. What? You mean we can do stuff for people? Great.

We have values doncha know

I've discovered that values are like Top Trumps. Someone just has to say in ameeting 'Is this in accordance with our values' in order to be greeted with a reverent silence.

Of course the fact of the matter is that our true core values are about overworking people and exploiting clients, It's like the Emperor's New Clothes, my firm

We also have mid-range and short-range resources.

When I asked if the mid were further away than the short I was met by a . No sense of humour these IT bods.

What does "granulate/granular" mean?

I might take it to work with me on Monday and run it up a few flagpoles. Especially if it's very granular, and gritty, and chafing.

Oh gawd. I use loads of these (....funny how few people admit to using them..)

close of play is useful when you don't want to give a hardline and then miss it. It means I'll try to have it done by the end of the working day, but if not I'll work late.

Take it offline is a more polite way of saying stop wasting the whole everone's time banging on about your pet concern, let's talk about it later and get on with the agenda.

My rule of thumb is if it takes more words to explain without corporate speak wankery then it's ok to use it. I'm not keen on granulate. I keep thinking of the medical term for wounds healing and makes me feal icky.

Would feel to David Brent to say anything about monkeys and flagpoles.

Tbh I think it has it's place, like Internet speech. It's just when you start to use it in the wrong context it looks silly IYKWIM?

I work from home and barely speak to anyone most days though. I'm sure if I worked in an office it would drive me up the wall

Hard deadline I mean...

catsinthebelfrey Granular means detailed. I think the mental imagery is something like taking the magnification up a notch on Google Maps.

Oh, I see. (not really, but I expect I shall hear it sooner rather than later).

A couple of my colleagues went to a business meeting over the pond, where they were told "they're steering with a fifth wheel".

They were both completely baffled (and we all remain baffled), so they sipped their skinny lattes and nodded sagely.

WTF?

Oh great. Loved the media speak thread.

Right

Ringfenced (keep this group/budget etc out of the discussion for now)

Let's talk off line (i.e. seperately)

Good morning, Good afternoon, Good evening (every flipping time!) - yes, we're global, we've all got that. Aren't you clever to point it out each time...

Embrace change (= get on with it man!)

Loads more, but too late for my brain!

Oh deep dive (the new granularity apparently)

Lobsters - hahaha at your husband!

Oh we get cross fertilization of ideas. I wonder if that is cos we're all green and whatnot...

Ahh, another one

Let's get the drains up on this.

OR really: Let's think harder than normal.

Bit of a side track, but what about those times when you use similes etc when you shouldn't. EG I had a client with an employment law problem with a cook. In my conversation with him, I said:

If she can't stand the heat, she ought to be out of the kitchen.

I think you've upset the apple cart now.

Don't brew anything up.

Sorry, but this is a hot potato.

To name a few. By the end of the convo, he and I could barely speak for laughing. How puerile .

Where I used to work had hideous abbreviations for everything. Infact I think someone must have been employed for the full and only purpose to think them up and rename everything with new wanky names.

What was Customer Services got broken down to

SAT = Service Action Team, to work alongside
SIT = Service Investigation Team

These were run by

SAM's/SIM's = Service Action Members/Service Investigation Members

who were managed by....
SAL's/SIL's = Service Action Leaders/Service Investigation Leaders

Above them were the

SAD's/SID's = Service Action Directors/Service Investigation Directors

The main reception was renamed "The Main Greeting Area"

I left there and went onto work for a company not content with calling what would have been "Personnel" (some years ago) Human Resources but taken it one step further and called their HR dept. "People and Culture"!! FFS

I work for a big financial services firm and the jargon drives me bonkers. Among my current pet hates:

Adding value
Circle back - ie come back to a discussion later
Push back - when someone gives you work you don't have time for and you try and give it back to them, or when a client tries to insist we do something that is their responsibility

At the moment I'm working with some colleagues from the US, and my current worst corporate speak is at the end of every single one of their emails. They sign off "If you have any queries, feel free to reach out to me." I might email you, contact you, phone you, discuss with you, but I am no way going to reach out to you.

redundancies= adapting to scale
I'm not a one trick pony I'm a field full of 'em.

Surely just watch Apprentice re-runs to see choc-a-block wanky bullshit soup with twat croutons!

Oh, and our receptionist? Her job title is Welcome Host . Is it just me or does that not have a faintly pornographic air to it?

Did we ascertain what stretching the monkey means?

I hate 'quick and dirty' with a passion, also 'a heads up'.

Makes me gnash my teeth.

The cascade approach = the pissed on effect Well, that's what we used to call it in education...

"Horizon scanning" aka looking ahead for problems is as wankerish as "blue sky thinking" IMO

At work we currently have a training course called "embracing change, the challenges!" meaning what to do when you are made redundant and my managers current favorite phrase "more for less" ie include the roles of those made redundant into your current jobs. I think the main thing we have got out the Blair years is to beable to put a positive spin on all situations arising.

Oh, how could I forget 'taking a high-level view'.

That means 'I want to shout at you because my stupid idea isn't working, but I don't have the brain capacity to hear any of the reasons why it was a stupid idea in the first place'.