Wanky Corporate Speak Thread

[Chil1234]

Inspired elsewhere a thread for your direst examples of wanky corporate speak..... Come ladies, let's run it up the flagpole and see how it flies. For, as one of my old bosses memorably put it 'if we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure'...

granularity is my favourite at the moment.

I've recently had "this will raise your profile" i.e. you can do all the donkey work in the vain hope that someone above notices and gives you a pat on the back.

"Can we take this offline?"

What the rest of us would call having a conversation in person/via phone. Why not just sodding do it, don't email me to ask if you can. I sit opposite you!

Grr

"Stretching the monkey", how funny...!

Sure that wasn't an analogy for something else!

"Let's take a human approach to this campaign...."

Of course! No wonder the cuttlefish approach wasn't getting us anywhere...

I wouldn't use any of these, and I've never worked in a place that does, but I quite like some of the ways they make you think differently about stuff.

Just the run of the mill 'thinking outside the box' is a good way of describing how you want people to look at a problem from a different angle.

Perhaps it's the corporate wankers who use them who are just idiots?

If they didn't use them it'd sound dry and boring wouldn't it, and they want to sound dynamic and as though they're going to make some cash for you?

Yes - agree with the "raise your profile" one.

I'd rather keep my profile hidden, keep my head down, go home, get paid and retire without anyone noticing thank you. Wankers.

Let's not boil the ocean.

Reach out to your colleagues.

Step up to the plate (yes I work for Americans)

Diarise.

Operationalise.

Practically anything with an "-ise" on it.

Talking to a Powerpoint slide (not about)

Leveraging.

I could go on...

Reading these reminds me how priviledged I am to have escaped the world of bolloxspeak.

"Scoping out" was the one that made me cringe most.

hehe I love a good mind map

ggggrrrrr - my bugbear (from the world of education)
is cascading information

snarls

We do have a good one lately which is "peer bonding session" at the start of our national meeting, which is a cuppa and a whinge about your train journey

I am also irked by "Can you action me to do X." Making "Action" a verb that someone else does to you passively. Odd, but standard.

'Divide and conquer!'

LOL at cestlavie's neatly ordered fowl! We put our ducks in a row, too. I don't know why. But God help us if a duckling waddles off.

Low hanging fruit: I forgot that one, we have that too.

Still puzzling over "stretching the monkey", though. I'm sure that must be a euphemism.

I hate paradigm - no one really knows what it means. I instantly internally dismiss anyone using this as a wanker.

Ex boss loved corporate speak; ducks in a row was a particular favourite. She also used to nod very vigorously when agreeing me a colleague used to text each other in meetings predicting when her head would fall off. If only...

"We shouldn't be working in silos." - No, you're quite right; this is administration and we should be working in offices.

yes, we've played the buzzword bingo too.
We also try and slip unlikey words into the meeting for extra points. Childish I know, but sometimes it's the only thing keeping me awake....

I work in a newspaper where the big thing is for us to be "impactful."

And every morning, the reporters have to do something wanky called "the harvest" where they tell Newsdesk what stories they're working on in an email.

Gibber.

Incentivise - stupid made-up word

4-box model - a sort of 2x2 grid, rather than a straight A/B/C/D grading. Except that no one is ever exactly in one of those boxes, there's always a "half" in there somewhere which surely defeats the point...

We're "good to go"

I don't know how I will ever go back to the world of work - I occasionally pick up DH's internal newsletter (we used to work for the same company) and my eyes have glazed over within 30 seconds...