Wanky Corporate Speak Thread

[Chil1234]

Inspired elsewhere a thread for your direst examples of wanky corporate speak..... Come ladies, let's run it up the flagpole and see how it flies. For, as one of my old bosses memorably put it 'if we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure'...

Right, I am going to make a list of all of the "best" ones in preparation for our "cross business unit pollination" and we can play bullshit bingo at the meeting

We have KPIs - key performance indicators

Why don't they just say targets?

You have all reminde me how much I hate office politics and corporate wankery. Must buy a lottery ticket this week.

"low hanging fruit" aka "easy wins" i.e. quick and easy things to do. Then you can Tickbox. Importantly.

My place is rife with this nonsense. I've been there so long that I'd actually forgotten that this is not a normal way to talk

Some favourites:
Warming up as in "lets warm him up before the meeting" (maybe with a nice little cuddle?)
Sending out documents is so passé - "socialise" them instead (conjures up image of documents in full ball gowns attending debutantes ball)
Paradigm shifts.
Solutions come in 2 flavours strategic or tactical
Vanilla - generic, as in no flavour...but vanilla is a flavour!! grr.
Piece - "action me to own this piece"
Space - "I'm working in an ideas space"
Reach out - talk to
Location agnostic (I'm not sure if I believe in locations?? )
Runway - project plan

PMSL at foam in Our Lady's crack.

One up from business critical, we have 'mission critical' as we all sit in the Starship Enterprise bringing university degrees where none have gone before.

There is also a lot of positive stroking in our place (NLP term where people say well done for some small piece of trivia as a method of buttering you up and making sure you forget to think about the Big Important Stuff because that's their territory).

There is also the acronym for the BA in Professional Studies that has me snickering quite openly every time a colleague utters it. (Think about it).

piece... as in 'I work in finance but i'd be really interested in becoming involved in the proect management piece'

yuk.

Some of my favourites were:

We don't want to be left scrabbling for the side of the bath
Let's not reinvent the wheel
We don't wnt to overegg the pudding
Now that you are inculcated

We don't want to be left scrabbling for the side of the bath!!! Hah ahaha have never heard that one! In fact, I better get off MN else this is exactly what I will be doing come the end of the month!

Himalaya - my point is that often when they refer to a stakeholder they mean the end user.

The other reason why I think stakeholder is a rubbish word is that by definition a stakeholder is 'a person, group, or organization that has direct or indirect stake in an organization because it can affect or be affected by the organization's actions, objectives, and policies.'

The only way you can have a stake in an organization is by ownership. To say that those affected by the pollution of a company are stakeholders is a joke. They are victims. If someone isn't not allowing a project to proceed they are an obstacle as far as the company is concerned, not a stakeholder. I think this term was made up by someone with too much time on their hands who doesn't understand that the #1 objective of a company is to make and maintain a profit.

Wants2b...there is an auditor speaking!

I would say we are all stakeholders in Mumsnet.We may be owners, or even employees but we create value for the company all the same, and we have a stake: if we were to invest our musings, debate and advice somewhere else there would be no Mumsnet.

I don't think we are stakeholders of MN, I would say we are users. MN is an organisation run for profit (albeit more benignly than most) and they could flog it to Google or FB or whatever at any time, and we wouldn't get a say. Like Friend Reunited was flogged to ITV,

Message to MN Towers, if you flog it to Google for $500m can we each have a new handbag please? Ta muchly. xx

We are stakeholders of MN - does it create value for us? Yes. Do we create value for it? Yes. Are we interested in the decicisions it takes, the policies it makes? Yes. If it did something we really thought was a bad idea would we try to influence it? Yes. Could our decisions impact on its financial sucess? Yes.

All of that makes us stakeholders of Mumsnet (but not quite 'Citizens of the republic of Mumsnet' - because as you say it is a business and the owners say goes (...subject to regulation, which we
are also a stakeholder in...)

Business #1 objective is to make and maintain a profit, but they can't do that without other stakeholders.

A business can't make a profit and maintain a profit without customers buying the product or service provided. When you say a business needs stakeholders to make and maintain a profit the one group which enables the business to continue as a going concern is not identified.

a previous manager kept wanting to 'bottom things out'....I thought it was a sexual come-on. But after the zillionth time.....she also kept asking "so what would it look like?", of fairly nebulous and conceptual stuff.

Make sure you divert your device so that we avoid flat lining...

I am loving to hate this thread! I sit in meetings playing twatspeak bingo. Having been on mat leave for the last few months I can' think of any good ones I've heard but "cold hard cash" said 29 times in one 90 minute meeting by the same person (who was talking about NHS funding - ) is a standout bit of arsery.

I just hate it all, I'll never progress far in any career as I can't help cringing when I hear jive like this!

CraigRevelPan

"a previous manager kept wanting to 'bottom things out'....I thought it was a sexual come-on. But after the zillionth time.....she also kept asking "so what would it look like?", of fairly nebulous and conceptual stuff."

Argh. My boss always wonders what things will look like. She once followed it with 'we'll have to suck it and see' and I was almost a little bit sick in my mouth

urgh we have people who like to "suck it and see" - they suck. And also blow. Does anyone else wish that Chandler Bing was a real person who worked with them?

Chandler Bing IS real. He's that bloke in the reality programme Friends.

We have KPIs too. AND KMIs. Do they really need two types of indicator?

Incentivising and productivising. Clearly not real words.

You don't want to be the mouse that grabs the cheese!

Utter BS :)

I keep getting emails with "Toolkits" attached to them to "facilitate my delivery of the strategies discussed at the last training sessions, to my end users"

Toolkit = powerpoint or some wanky screen-dump of some post-it notes (which I can, apparently "source" myself)

delivery of strategies = talk to a group of people

end users = students

Late to the party but heard a great IT one and wanted to add it

FUBAR - F**ked up beyond recognition / repair

I've just read this with much laughter of recognition. Every meeting I go to someone is talking about space. As in " We're moving into the learning and development space".
My boss is a great one for "sense checking" things. As in "I haven't drilled down into the document but I have been sense checking the emails as they come through."
This means "I have absolutely no idea what project you are all working on but I flicked through my emails to see if any of my friends wants to meet for coffee."