Wanky Corporate Speak Thread

[Chil1234]

Inspired elsewhere a thread for your direst examples of wanky corporate speak..... Come ladies, let's run it up the flagpole and see how it flies. For, as one of my old bosses memorably put it 'if we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure'...

My boss is very like David Brent & comes out with them all.
Most hated:
thinking outside the box
blue sky thinking

I cringe every time.

My pet hate is "wanting to touch base" with someone. Arrrrgghhh!

We are downsizing at the moment but even this fairly corporate speak term is too much for our bosses who are encouraging us to think that doing 3 peoples jobs because everyone else has been sacked is 'moving to a flexible working model'

Ownership, my boss used to constantly talk about ownership.

Delegation by any other name.

Going forwards...

Next time I'm in a meeting I might preface going through minutes of the last one with "Going backwards" and see if anyone flickers.

Organic growth...operational excellence...explore strategic opportunities. Oh do fuck off!!

Old boss to me: "Can you gain an understanding of the situation and then verbalise it to the client?"

Translation: Can find out and tell them?

Oh yes, taking things forward. Pushing the envelope. Get the potato on the fork. Everything is a 'journey'. Ugh.

Have you got a window in your diary? (Always wanted to reply, 'if I did, I'd climb through it and never come back!')

Did anyone else watch Drop the Dead Donkey when it was on years ago? Gus Hedges was just fantastic for corporate speak.

'Put this in your think tank and see if it blows bubbles' was a particular favourite of mine.

"Are we all attuned to the target-based thinking arena?"

What a wanker.

I left shortly after she launched that little verbal lovely.

Customer focused.

Rolling it out

I hate 'take ownership' too.

I also dislike 'hit the ground running' as it carries an implication of fit hunky men doing out-doorsy things, not flabby be-suited executives sitting on their backsides talking.

Would be good to speak to them to "check their temperature"
It's "in the ballpark"
Why don't we "run it up the flagpole and see who salutes"
Let's make sure "we're all singing from the same hymn sheet"
Need to check "we've got our ducks lined up first"

Seriously, WTF, "ducks lined up"? People use it all the time I haven't got a clue what the analogy means. What happen's if your ducks aren't lined up? Like maybe a stray mallard wobbles off the end. Does that just make you look hopelessly chaotic, cos actually the epitome of organisation is neatly ordered fowl?

Ormirian, brilliant.

Oh, yes!! Ducks in a row!

Volunteer-led = free.

"Perception is reality"

we have 'low hanging fruit'.

One I heard and actually quite liked:

"You can lead a horse to water but if it doesn't drink it dies"

I'm going to buck the trend and start thinking inside the box

"grey area" means I have no idea, was used quite a lot in the bank I worked in a few years ago.

One at our place at the moment is 'deep dive', as in 'can we have top-line info for Friday and then a and b can do a deeper dive next week'.

Yeuch!

D

Stretching the monkey

Stakeholders

Facilitate

Low hanging fruit

God, I hate my job!!

Deliverables. Sadly not from Ocado.

"Leadership" and "leader" are over-used as well. I prefer managers. At least you know where you stand with them.