Wanky Corporate Speak Thread

[Chil1234]

Inspired elsewhere a thread for your direst examples of wanky corporate speak..... Come ladies, let's run it up the flagpole and see how it flies. For, as one of my old bosses memorably put it 'if we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure'...

[FooffyShmoofer]

My DSis place is awful for that

Team work makes the Dream work

We are "going live" on Monday

If you are ill "self medicate" and come in.
What is wrong with take a lemsip and come in or take a paracetamol and come in ooor dont bother coming in while you're ill petal.

[jonicomelately]

I can't imagine ever working for a company like this

I just don't get it.

[thebrownstuff]

Just sent a note to someone about diarising something earlier today I luurve all the lingo, it's part of the act of masquerading as a specialist in something or other innit...

I must make a note to use granular more often, going forward. We use most of these on a daily basis in my line, never heard of the monkey thing though. And as for the fuck up fairy? You've started a new line their Poncey

[Binfullofmaggotsonthe45]

Oh yes join we had the "brand spirit" specialists come in too! Money and oxygen stealing f*ckjockeys in my corporate speak.

[AimingForSerenity]

My previous boss was a wankspeak idiot and we all had great fun after a funny translation of corporate-speak email replying with the phrase "I'm not sure if that's feasible" whenever possible which translated as "F* Off you wanker".

My two worst hates from him were "tricky" when used as a noun, as in "We've found a few trickies with this project". Was always tempted to email back and ask "a tricky what?"

The other, and even more irritating was LEGENDARY. To me this means tales of bravery and daring that survives for generations, not customer service in a high street chemist!

[TheWaterHorse]

We are where we are - for when everything has gone wrong

[BelleDameSansMerci]

My boss keeps saying "For the avoidance of doubt..." I know what it means but it's not ever applied to anything that I doubt anyway.

[dizzeelizzee]

Lets put a pin in that... Yuk!

[elsiemarley]

OMG! Is stretching monkey a new one? I remember loads of the others, 'touch base' has to be one of the worst, swap the last word for cloth in an important networking meeting and there'll be no profile raising for you!

But, stretching the monkey, who thought this one up and more worryingly what will I do if/when I return to work proper and it is used and I laugh, out loud?? I won't be 'excellent' will I? (luckily I left before that one came along)

[Binfullofmaggotsonthe45]

Ha ha dizzeelizzee especially when enacting the gesture - placing imaginary pin in imaginary item and then moving said imaginary item to another imaginary space.

[TwoIfBySea]

If you are feeling lazy you could always just cut and paste what is suggested here.

[jujubean]

Lots of wanky men kept going on about things being 'vanilla', I worked in financial services not an ice-cream factory, I still have no idea what it means.

[jujubean]

oh in my training program at said company, we had the comment "feedback is the breakfast of champions" still PMSL at that one, as is my entire family

[Rollergirl1]

Was this inspired from a certain liverpool football website perchance?

My particularly hateful ones are...

"Appreciate your steer on this one."
"It's on my radar."
"We need some lateral thinking on this one."
"Can we jump on a tel-con?"

[OTheHugeManatee]

But won't someone pleeeease tell me what happens when you stretch, walk, leash or otherwise interact with the monkey?

[Rollergirl1]

sugarmouse: Heh, hilarious. I bet in every given situation they said "feedback, I mean feedforwards" and then it was abandoned as too troublesome the day after you left!

Vanilla is a good one too, although not limited to geek speak.

[GrizzlyMacDuff]

signposting/brokering = giving a client a telephone number.

[wukter]

DH's environment is pretty corpowanky and he has explained Stretching the Monkey. Well, up to a point. If someone has a problem, they have a Monkey On Their Back. To help them, you must not simply remove the monkey, but empower them to remove it themselves. This is where DH's explanation breaks down because at this point the problem appears to be solved by stretching it

[elsiemarley]

Does <a class="break-all" href="//www.amazon.com/Stretch-Screaming-Flingshot-Flying-Monkey/dp/B000OEUUG6?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">this help TheHuge?

[GrizzlyMacDuff]

might have been mentioned already here, but I play wanker bingo at work sometimes in meetings, occasionally with colleagues, mostly on my own.

A little checklist of wanker speak that you anticipate being said, and cross it off, first to a full house wins 'bingo' (do you dare to say it aloud?!) and wins a prize, or closest to winning. Prize is normally a chocolate bar from sandwich man . It makes me less likely to poke my eyes out with matchsticks.

[OTheHugeManatee]

Link didn't work

[TamsinConstable]

Oh, people, this is priceless. I blog about Plain English/clear business writing and this thread has made my day, especially those of you who are slipping made-up claptrap into meetings, I'm snorting out loud. And as for crunchy and granular, well I'll never be able to eat Jordan's Cereal in peace again. Fun aside, it's the damage that weasel-speak does to democracy, access, transparency and accountability that me. But the only real way to stop the corporate drivel is to point out the hidden costs of claptrap; it's a very, very expensive bad habit. If they've got any 'bandwidth' they should 'go off-line' for a bit and 'run that thought up the flagpole'.

[OTheHugeManatee]

Oh, I think I see. Sort of.

But of you stretch the monkey, might you not risk it just being able to be on several backs at once?

See? That was profound. I should be a management consultant, me.