Wanky Corporate Speak Thread

[Chil1234]

Inspired elsewhere a thread for your direst examples of wanky corporate speak..... Come ladies, let's run it up the flagpole and see how it flies. For, as one of my old bosses memorably put it 'if we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure'...

Isn't detriment the opposite of benefit?

Former colleague managed to make this up and slip it randomly into another corporate-speak filled discussion.

"Do you mind if I scuba in your think-tank for a moment?"

It was accepted completely at face value

cestlavie I just spat tea over my keyboard at scuba in your think-tank!

I must use that on Monday.

Oh please, keep them coming!

I have a three-day meeting with teams from a different divisionn next week, who are so poney and corporate it's untrue. I'm going to pinch Poncey's idea and see how many new ones I can establish I'm liking the scuba-ing into the think tank one, and the dog pissing on the lamp post one too!

The fuck-up fairy is one of my favourites too

I hate "Let's park that", "diarise", "blue sky thinking" and "driving" too.

That would be poncey rather than "poney"

Oh just remembered, we also have "hot tubbing" (in relation to judges and expert witnesses)

Which apparently means just discussing things in an informal manner.

Rather than naked judges in a hot tub

Erm... I have been known to use a car park when delivering training.

It is a silly name, but more succinct and polite than "place where I can show that I have heard your question, but it's not really relevant and I don't know the answer off the top of my head, and this room is expensive and we are running out of time and the other 7 delegates' eyes are glazing over whenever you speak"

I was in a meeting only yesterday in which the consultants were wittering about "flip-flop models". .

A particularly wanky consultant with trendy glasses then leapt up to the flipchart and drew two circles by each other, then drew smaller coloured in circles in the middle of each. The entire room gazed obediently at this pair of tits on the flipchart. He then with an excited flourish added a triangle underneath, and declared it showed how the vision and the outcomes blah blah ... I couldn't really keep listening as I was scanning the room (men only) to see if anyone thought it was weird that he had quite clearly sketched a pair of tits and a mons pubis but apparently not. They did all start doing that really annoying thing of putting their arms behind their head to wave their armpits around in a maley dominant way though.

I love my job (not).

NotFromConcentrate don't forget to refer to something in the past as "Going backwards"

My boss told me that my strategy paper on Brazil needed to be "more crunchy and granular." I asked him to clarify what he meant by this ("What the fuck are you on about?") and he said that it needed more "blue skies thinking." So I re-ordered the paper, stuffed it full of management -speak jargon - we now have a "vision statement" instead of an objective, "potential negative outcomes", instead of risks...you get my drift. He loved it (I did it today) and told me that he was delighted to see that I was "thinking outside the box."

Tosser.

Public sector here but just as bad:

Yes yes to "close of play"

Empower = I can't be bothered to do it so I'm going to get someone more junior to do it

Bilateral = a meeting between two people (usually ministers). Extra points for a "trilateral" (take a guess)

"Send it [the document] up to" the ministers = send to (and anyway they are on the 3rd floor and I am on the 5th floor)

Acronyms for everything. Some of the best are: PUS (Parliamentary Under Secretary) and DGOD (Gus O'Donnell - head of the civil service).

I'm sure there are hundreds more which I cringe at...and some which I use without noticing !

Excellent and very funny guide to jargon in the civil service here

Oh yes, granularity here too.

Oh and I worked for DFID once as a Project Manager and was told we couldn't have "brainstorming sessions" any more - they had to be "thought showers" as "brainstorming sessions were offensive to the mentally handicapped."

I am liking the Fuck Up Fairy and will deploy her next week.

My boss also waves his hands in the air whenever he uses the word "strategic". I feel I will be deploying a different kind of hand gesture when I refer to him soon.

Sorry - Gus O'Donnell is GOD (not DGOD).

Ha! To DFID.

Deep Dive here too.

Oh yes, Widgeon. That reminds me - "strategy refresh" - not quite as drastic as a "strategy review". Gus O'Donnell is/was GOD, surely?

PUS (pron "pus" or "pee you ess") - Permanent Under Secretary

PUSS (pron "puss") - Parliamentary Under Secretary.

So "GOD has asked PUS if he can have a trilateral with him and PUSS."

Yes, everything "up to Ministers", regardless of where they are physically in the building.

I wrote a very quick email when I worked for DFID, warning of project failure. It was flippant and entitled "Mining Project About to Go Tits Up." It reached very senior levels back in London before anyone noticed the title and suggested it be renamed.

Oh god we are having a strategy refresh at the moment!

Where did you escape to, MrsS?