Wanky Corporate Speak Thread

[Chil1234]

Inspired elsewhere a thread for your direst examples of wanky corporate speak..... Come ladies, let's run it up the flagpole and see how it flies. For, as one of my old bosses memorably put it 'if we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure'...

Oh God, yes.

I turn into an eyerolling bolshie teenager when people come out with this stuff. It's always real thickoes as well, do they imagine it makes them sound clever? Talking this crap is the last refuge of the terminally stupid, imo.

Low hanging fruit
Brain storming
Cascading information
The Offer
"Impact" and "Action" as verbs
Touch base
Going Forward
Driving - as in driving things forward, driving sales etc

We used to make up compound ones and try and introduce them with a perfectly straight face. Pushing envelopes up the hill, rolling ideas out into the carpark to see if they could fly, etc

PonceyMcPonce: share! I'll put them in in my work too, and before you know it we'll have conquered the world!

'close of play' I.e.' I need this by c.o.p Friday'. Make it sound like it's all a jolly game

What does low hanging fruit mean? Para-whotsit? And stretching the monkey.

I suspect that last one is a euphanism for what wankers get up to in their lunch hour.

I will memorise some of these and impress my DH with them tonight.

I used to work for one of the big corporate consultancy firms and the place was full of corporate speak.

When we used to go and ask the partner who lead our team for some help he used to say:

"Dont bring me problems. Bring me solutions".

Oh god, I had a boss who talked a lot about 'nugatory work' - why not just call it a waste of time. And it was always whether you had 'bandwidth' to do something.

My real hatred is 'profile raising' - as others have said, it's just sucking up by another name.

My worst worst one is 'disbenefits' completely made up and completely pointless as there is already a perfectly good word with the same meaning!

Walk the walk not talk the talk.

Delegate not abdicate.

SWOT analysis.

Worse case scenario

FTP PTF fail to plan, plan to fail.

I thought the monkey one was an unfortunate euphemism for 'gentleman's alone time'. However, one of my senior managers used it in all seriousness - not sure what it means, I was too busy laughing to find out! Unfotunately, she tok great offence

'took'

"Let's go global with this" - send it to everyone in the office

At training sessions, "Ok, if you look inside your pack..."

god yes 'going forward'. just means 'in the future' or 'from now on'

A "quick and dirty" (as opposed to in depth)

Not nearly as much fun as it sounds

DH company has 'stand ups'. Apparently, it's a meeting where everyone stands up to keep it short

'what would you use as the direct opposite of benefits then?'

Disadvantages! Disbenefits is just so clunky.

Does nobody else have to "reach out" to people (ie call or meet them) and "put their arms around" clients?

If you knew some of my clients you would see the objection to the latter

Oh we have 'stands ups' or 'the bird table' - wanktastic!

"going forward" is a pet hate of mine.

"facilitate"

How about this I saw somewhere

"grading the current position against future aspirations within a defined timescale".

My husband, the LEAST corporate type ever, made this up in a meeting:

'let's put the dog on a leash and see which lamppost it pisses on'

It's as meaningless as that shite about the ideas car park. GAH.

Poncey, I think I love you.