Mums of twins - how much "responsibility" do you feel your twins should have for each other at school, if any

[sandyballs]

Not sure if I have worded that correctly but I have 5 year old twin girls in year 1. They are in different classes but meet a lot during the school day for play, lunch etc. Twin 2 is very sociable, has lots of friends and doesn't seem to "need" her sister as much as she needs her. Twin 1 is quieter, less confident, less sociable. Twin 2 told me this morning that Twin 1 often has lunch on her own. DH is horrified by this and insisted that Twin 2 includes her with her own friends and makes sure she isn't alone. But is this fair. If they were normal siblings and not twins, they wouldn't even be having lunch together, or play time probably. So should this responsibility be heaped on her shoulders.

I have dd1 in year 1, dd2 in reception. dd1 has been looking out for her little sister, and to be honest I think it's totally reasonable. She is quite protective anyway, and the school let her have her lunch on the reception table during dd2's first week so I'd guess it's the norm. Actually all the older kids are encouraged to have responsibility for the younger ones, siblings or not, so that also helps.

I think maybe you should try and teach them both to include people who seem on their own. Obviously if the loner wants to be a loner then that is fine, but it would be great social training to teach them to be concerned for someone who seems left out.

I think when they are little and in a new place I would expect them to keep an eye out for each other.

Somewhere in the middle, I do think, unhelpfully! I think siblings should look out for each other where possible, definitely. But does twin 1 actually mind being alone? Also ime (my twins are 7.5 so a little older)- this really can vary over time, reassuringly. i was quite worried about one boy's lack of friendships in Y1 but now he has just as many if not more good mates as his twin. Have they always been in separate classes, btw? Mine were split for the 1st time in Y1 and in retrospect what I was worried was a non-mutual dependence by one twin on the other was actually just one twin taking a little longer to find his feet than the other. Year 1 is the bad year of transition, ime. In fact, increasingly i feel that no long term conclusions should be drawn from the behaviour of children in their first two terms in Year 1!

I have dd2 in Yr 5 and dd3, just gone into Yr 3 at the same school. They're on different playgrounds, but can meet up on the benches in the corner.
Sometimes see each other at lunch and sit together.

I think it's nice and yes, I do expect dd2 to look out for dd3 to a certain extent.
Dd2 is well settled at the school with a nice group of friends, whereas sometimes dd3 struggles.

Like your dh, I would be horrified if one of my kids was sitting on their own at lunchtime while the other was not.

Just read that you wanted answers from mums of twins - duh!

Agree with others. I don't have twins but I have 3 boys all very close in age - next year at school there will be one in nursery, one in reception, one in yr 2.

Tbh, I would expect them to look out for each other and if one was struggling in any way I'd expect the others to help them by including them in their games, giving advice or whatever. It's what siblings are for. One sibling should feel that they can go to another for comfort or company imo.

Thanks for all your replies. I'm not entirely sure that Twin 1 particularly wants company, she seems quite happy on her own at home, and actively seeks her own space. Just makes me feel a bit sad to think of her sitting there eating her lunch on her own for some reason

Hi Sandyballs, don't come on here very often, only when I feel I can help, usually. My twin dd's are 8 and have been is seperate classes from the start. Like yours I have one sociable who is well liked and has some nice friends. My other is not sociable she spends alot of time on her own in the playground kicking stones so I am told. Her sister does not mind her playing with herself and her friends, but would rather she found her own friends to play with. We have tried to encourage her to play with other children and sometimes she does, but I think on the whole she would rather be on her own. It is a concern and a constant source of worry, but they are my worries she actually seems quite okay in herself. It is also reassuring for us that she has got someone who will watch out for her if she wasn't a twin I don't think that she would be any different. It is nice to know that there is someone else out there with similar worries.

Thanks Carnation. I think if our "loner" DDs weren't a twin we wouldn't be as worried. It's the comparison when they've got such a sociable twin that seems to highlight it all.

I don't know about you, but I find that the loner loves the one to one attention with myself and takes full advantage of it when that happens. I am end up feeling guilty though because the other one does not get that very often not that she minds. It is not easy having twins and I feel that these worries will be with us for quite a long time.

Neither of them get much one-to-one but I do find it helps when I manage it. The sociable one has got a party at the weekend so I'm planning on take my little loner out for lunch.

I think there is a bit of a difference between what would be expected from a younger sibling versus a twin. When a child has a younger sibling then from birth, the "looking after your younger whatever" is par for the course but you dont really expect that from twins because they are the same age . However i would encourage them to watch out for each other and having read your post I am going to start doing this.I have twin boys also aged 5 in P2 (equiv of yr1). DT1 is very very popular with his peers and DT2 although sociable is quite happy to play on his own a lot of the time. DT1 is the dominant twin , a bit of a bossy boots whereas DT2 gives in to him generally for a quiet life. DT1 is extemely sensitive about his own feelings but not so much about anyone elses and I know he does his own thing in the playground without caring whether DT2 is with him or not. The teacher said that DT2 said a few times to DT1 last year "Are you still my friend "when DT1 was surrounded by fans which upset me a bit. Not much help but I know how you feel.

You shouldn't interfere. One of mine is quieter but that's fine. They just differ. One is more responsible than the other and every morning at 8am brings down his and his twin's uniform and makes him put it on. I heard him tonight after school saying to his twin - some on over here and do your homework which is very sweet to see but they're in separate classes at school and are just nicely aware of each other's presence (they're 7). They do keep a bit of an eye out for each other. My more responsible one is also older by 7 hours and makes a big thing about the other twin being his "little brother".

Dst2 gets upset if dts1 doesn't keep him a place at lunch or doesn't play with him at break time but they are making their own friends. When dts2 was complaining that dts1 had told him to go away one lunch I asked dts1 why (meaning why be so rude.)

His answer was, "I was busy with Christie, Rachel and Elizabeth." He is 4 3/4, oh dear. Not to be outdone dts2 has his harem of Olivia, Florence and Eilidh. Really old fashion names at that school!

Oh and to add, I would hope they look out for each other as I would expect of any sibling. The whole idea of separate classes was to develop their individual identities rather than just be "the twins." It is working better than I had thought, girlfriends notwithstanding.