Talking to my mixed race son about race...

[ifIwasinvisiblewaitIalreadyam]

Hey guys
Today my son came home from school and he was chatting away and he came out with a racist term...I immediately wanted to know where he had heard this word and he told me that a child in his class has said it. I couldn't understand what context the word was used in, in the sense of was my son was called this word or what, so it lead to a conversation between me and my son to explain that this term was a bad thing to say and that it would upset people if he was to say this term.
This leads me to my question, how can I discuss race and racism in a way that a 4 year old would understand? He is bi-racial, Nigerian and British, and he is knowledgeable in his heritage etc, but I'm just looking for ways to explain race and racism to him. I don't feel like I'm explaining myself in a good way, but I don't want to ignore questions about anything race related or if he comes into contact with these racist term. I don't want to keep saying "this is a bad thing to say" and leave it at that as he's at that "why?" stage in life and I'd like to have the answers but on a 4 year old level. I can explain race and racism to an adult but for some reason my mind goes blank when it comes up with my son/s (I have a 3 year old too).
Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated...TIA x

So what is the racist term that we're supposed to be discussing, OP?

I can see your problem- just trying to word a reply to you is tricky!
Can you talk about more general unkindness and say that some people are unkind and they say mean things about others. They might be mean about their glasses or their shoes or their hair or their skin. That this word is a word that is mean about people’s skin (or country etc) and it can make people upset, so we don’t use it.
Then maybe see what he says.

There are some words that make people feel like they are not as good as other people. Lots of people in the past used to use words like that about people who had different coloured skin to them. We don't use words like that any more, and anyone who does after being told the word is hurtful is not a very nice person.

Think it's tricky so young. Because how can you talk about racism without making it seem like there's something to dread? Want little kids to still believe in a benign world I think

Can explain about stereotyping in general (long word for a 4 year old!)

And perhaps talk about name calling in general?

I have tended to go for a drip feed as issues arise

Think @Hunkyd0ry gave good answer

Oh and@SayNoToCarrots too (cross post)

Singlenotsingle I don't really want to use the term, but if I say its an abbreviated version of a country of origin that's used as a derogatory term then I think you may get what I mean.

Hunkyd0ry yeah I could try doing that, thank you. I did tell him that this word can upset people so to not use it. I think he understood but what I'm struggling with is the questions that will inevitably will come like "why will they be upset?" etc etc. Its finding a way of saying that people are still being treated as less than and how vile that is, but to a 4 year old. I can't verbalise that. Does that make sense?

messyhousetidymind yeah I can see its a lot for a child so young, but I don't want to ignore it as he's inevitably gonna come up against some vile people, and has already....when he was 1 we were walking to our local shop and two not so nice lads shouted "we vote UKIP we vote UKIP" at us, and I've had a lady just the other day glaring from another table at my boys, and her stare followed as we walked past and as she walked past later on....its just always gonna lead back to me finding a way to explain and I just want some ideas on how to talk about it and progress as he gets older. I want to raise two amazing eloquent, respectful men who are equipped to answer racism in the right way and to shut it down. x

I use to child mind & one of the dc I looked after asked why people were different colours so I told her to look outside in the garden & asked her would the garden look better if all the flowers were one colour (white) or if they were all different colours? With my own dc we always talked about kindness to & how sometimes people say things that can hurt others so we have to think about them - but to always talk to me about what children said at school& never worry about asking me or telling me things.

www.amazon.co.uk/Racists-Colour-Matter-Other-Questions/dp/1526303981/ref=nodl_?tag=mumsnetforum-21

This book is aimed at older children (it says 10+ but I’d say younger KS2 depending on ability/maturity) but it’s very good, clear but not oversimplified, might be very useful to read together in the future but also give you ideas about how to phrase things when discussing to help him understand the concepts.

I’m sure there’s plenty of books aimed at younger children as well, just that I’ve read this one and found it very good even as an adult!

This is so difficult. My daughter is 7 and mixed white/Asian but looks very white and - I think - feels very white. Not because we haven’t instilled a sense of both cultures in her life, she just doesn’t think about it much. She has white family and brown family, loves them both and that’s that.

She was learning about Mary Seacole at school and we touched on racism then. I don’t think she quite understood what it meant. And in a way, I suppose it’s a good thing, because it means she has no reference point for it. Also, she’s probably too young to get her head around it all because it’s quite a heavy concept. I decided it wasn’t worth pursuing too much because I didn’t want to destroy her innocence

That's awful, sorry to hear that OP x

Im sorry you’ve had horrible experiences.
My plan (my DD is 2) is to answer what she asks, as people have told me children ask something then go away and mull it over before coming back sometime later to ask more. I don’t want to overwhelm her.
I also understand that you don’t want to scare your boys about what people may say.

Could you do a sorting activity? Sort colours, shapes etc then try and make pictures with just one “type” then use everything and make something lovely. You could talk about how it’s good to have different things and that everyone is different, that some people don’t like people that are different to them and they may not be kind. But we know that differences make us interesting and amazing so we need to talk about people being unkind as it’s not right.

Cwenthryth I'm gonna order that book, I would like to read that myself if it might have some ideas on how to approach things. Thank you for helping me.

Haworthia I understand, its horrible that their innocence rests on whether some ignorant minded people (and some other innocent children like in this case) use words or do things or say other vile things. I don't necessarily want to confuse them with terminology but I want to equip them with some knowledge on how to handle it if words are said. I don't want them accepting being made to feel less than when I want to lift them up to all they can and will be. I've had some great advice the past couple of days so I'm happy I've reached out to you all.

Hunkyd0ry thats a great idea, I will have to have a play about with some ideas. Thank you for your help, I really appreciate it.

When I spoke to my sons school they sat the boys down and tried to see what conversation had taken place. My sons friend admitted saying it and the teacher explained the significance of the word and that its not a good thing to say, but she did say that she still couldn't get the context of the conversation so I'm gonna leave it there with the school for now, and keep my ear out with anything from my son. I spoke to a mum friend of mine whose little girl goes the same school and she said her daughter came home from school saying the N word recently, so I'm bracing myself for anything else. My son's dad is gonna have a chat with him too and explain a bit more than I can. Its such a hard thing to be doing but all for the best and with the best intentions. x

Ok so I really don’t get what the term is supposed to be but I would just explain the origins of the term and this should be enough to explain why it is bad. Going forwards our line has always been ‘race is just a set of genetic characteristics. Is bears no reflection on what kind of person someone is and it is something that we have no control over. It is essentially meaningless. Only stupid people care about something that means nothing.’ That said our children are a different racial combination and we haven’t experienced any racism from the general population (although we have had some weirdos asking questions about what race my husband is or whatever). It sounds like you’ve had some pretty horrible experiences already. It’s not fair that strangers feel they can subject your children to that

I always recommend this book

dadap thank you i will order this book, i think it may help a lot. thank you again x