husbands debt is crippling!

[C22]

I need to vent I hope you don’t mind 😭

I found out yesterday my husband has got us into a good bit of debt without me knowing about it. I say us, it’s in his name but as we are married it’s always been split no matter what debt it is.

Background.

He had a credit card at the beginning of the year, paying interest on it which was getting him nowhere as he was only paying the minimum monthly.

I spoke to him about trying to get a balance transfer card meaning he would have x amount of months free from interest to try and clear it quicker.

He did the balance transfer but was only allowed to transfer 3/4 of the amount he owed on the interest 1.

At the time I told him, pay more to the 1 with interest and minimum to the non interest 1.

Turns out 10 months later after I asked him how he was getting on with the cards he said he was struggling really bad with it,

I was confused as at the time we figured out we could afford to give him 400 a month towards the cards, more than enough!

I only asked him how he was getting on as things are tight just now and was hoping we could free up some of that 400.

Well…
the interest accruing 1 I has an extra 2k on it from what it was 10 months ago!

The non interest has barely moved due to minimum payments.

And he has another card now with £5500 owing on it!

3 cards with £13.5k in total.

I am beyond gutted and really disappointed to the point I can’t even look at him.

As mentioned above we have always always split monthly outgoings 50/50. Then just half what’s left for spending on whatever. but as it stands just now there's hardly anything left after paying everything and these dam cards!

I want to support him but financially his card debts are crippling!

I could cry I feel so stressed and angry

These are my thoughts too. I'd tell him if he doesn't show you the last 3 months statements he's put on his ear.

I'd be asking to see his Amazon purchase history. Then you can see exactly what he has been buying.

You can go back 6 months with online banking.

Good to hear from you OP. You do sound in a better place. Take one day at a time and decisions about whether you still have a future with DH can wait until you are ready. Glad the counselling is helping

This is a nice update .
I know you are “apart” for now but it all sounds to be getting worked on and heading the right way .

You are clearly focused and in control - well done!
Let's hope he'll do his bit.

Good to hear from you OP. I have been thinking about you. Well done - you are being strong and level headed. Wish you all the best ❤️

If his brother is also an addict, it's very possible there are deep rooted upbringing issues which have caused the pair of them to turn to thinks we might consider distasteful.

You queried whether he has an addiction if he can just stop doing it because he only now has twenty quid a week.

Addiction is a word that's used pretty casually these days: I am addicted to The Only Way Is Essex, I am addicted to coffee. It's a word with negative connotations when it comes to drugs, because a lot of drugs truly are addictive.

In terms of actual addiction and drugs, cocaine is one of the less addictive ones. If someone's taking heroin then they have a massive problem, that's highly addictive and a person will go cold turkey and become very, very ill. Weed or dope is addictive for some people, not for others. I used to live with a girl who would fly into a panic attack if she wasn't partially stoned before leaving for work because her job stressed her out so much. She's the sort of person who needed weed because she couldn't switch her mind off from how shit things were without it. Cocaine is a stimulant, a party drug, and it will keep you awake. A former friend who was a doctor would go out partying all weekend, take cocaine and then work a very full trainee doctor with with silly hours and barely touch it. But it's also really well known to be rife in the medical industries due to people propping themselves awake with the stimulant affect they feel they need (which is not unreasonable given most hospital doctors do, what 80 hour weeks).

In your husband's case I would guess he is saying he is addicted because of historic connotations of the word: I am addicted to alcohol, anyone who uses drugs is addicted. So, he's said it because that's what everyone says. No malice or deception involved, I reckon.

Anyway, in terms of drugs out there you can just STOP taking, cocaine is one of the easier ones, for sure.

What your husband really appeared to be addicted to was having an emotional crutch that he wasn't finding elsewhere, and in his case, it happened to be cocaine, and with his brother it is alcohol (which is way more terrifying and addictive than coke).

So yeah, I mentioned drug use usually masking underlying MH problems and now that I have heard about his brother, I just feel more strongly that this is the case, and THAT is what needs addressing.

My dead husband who eventually died of some sort of overdose was also an alcoholic and I discovered many years later that his brother was a drug addict too.

In their case, they had the most twisted, nasty mother I have ever met in my entire life.

So, do please try to get to the root of the problem. It sounds like he is really committed to making things good with you and you are also taking all the right steps. You can and will get through this.

Please come back and update us from time to time.

I agree with the previous poster - lots of people try drugs, the ones who get addicted generally are the ones who self-medicated something else in their lives that being on drugs was better than feeling. Even the busy-ness of addiction is a good distraction from yourself if you have huge trauma issues, undiagnosed neurodiversity, anxiety etc.
Don't fall into the trap of being the person who polices his behaviour; either he does the right thing because it's the right thing (decent person with moral fibre) or he doesn't - it's not ok to make you into an external conscience because he doesn't have one.
And OP - I think some people were quite harsh actually. Some people can live with this stuff and move on, some cut ties. Most people want to see their own choices validated by others. You're doing ok. Draw those red lines and stick to them.

Excellent post from @KievLoverTwo above.
@C22 please read, read and reread!

Thank you for taking the time to come back to us, even though you're dealing with so much shit right now.
It's all too easy for us here to shout LTB, KHO (kick him out!).... but it's your life, and I think you've handled it really calmly and really well (although I have no doubt it has been very, very tough!)
Keep well 💐

Thank you @KievLoverTwo what a great reply.
hopefully he continues as he is at the moment. It seems to be positive but still early days for me.
which is why it was easier to ask him to go to his mums while I get my head space strong.

thanks again all for your replies