husbands debt is crippling!

[C22]

I need to vent I hope you don’t mind 😭

I found out yesterday my husband has got us into a good bit of debt without me knowing about it. I say us, it’s in his name but as we are married it’s always been split no matter what debt it is.

Background.

He had a credit card at the beginning of the year, paying interest on it which was getting him nowhere as he was only paying the minimum monthly.

I spoke to him about trying to get a balance transfer card meaning he would have x amount of months free from interest to try and clear it quicker.

He did the balance transfer but was only allowed to transfer 3/4 of the amount he owed on the interest 1.

At the time I told him, pay more to the 1 with interest and minimum to the non interest 1.

Turns out 10 months later after I asked him how he was getting on with the cards he said he was struggling really bad with it,

I was confused as at the time we figured out we could afford to give him 400 a month towards the cards, more than enough!

I only asked him how he was getting on as things are tight just now and was hoping we could free up some of that 400.

Well…
the interest accruing 1 I has an extra 2k on it from what it was 10 months ago!

The non interest has barely moved due to minimum payments.

And he has another card now with £5500 owing on it!

3 cards with £13.5k in total.

I am beyond gutted and really disappointed to the point I can’t even look at him.

As mentioned above we have always always split monthly outgoings 50/50. Then just half what’s left for spending on whatever. but as it stands just now there's hardly anything left after paying everything and these dam cards!

I want to support him but financially his card debts are crippling!

I could cry I feel so stressed and angry

It’s so easy to do on your phone now, and literally takes seconds to make a bet. Easy to hide. I hope you get some answers OP. He needs to be upfront and honest, whatever the reason is.

Sounds too bad for nagging.
This has moved into stone cold "look at the evidence and make your decision" territory OP.
I'm so very sorry.

when you put it like that - omg!

honestly feel sick and disgusted he has done this.

knows fine well im a money worrier, i always liek to have a little saving for emergencies, birthdays etc and he decides to just throw in 13.5k of debt to the mix.

beyond raging

Get some help from a third party like a debt charity or CAB.
Check your own credit report. Check his.
Check all the essential bills like rent/mortgage and utilities are being paid.

If he has kept the £400 per month and only made minimum payments then he has lied to you by omission each month.

He has also accumulated more debt on that card and taken out an additional card.

What has he spent the money on?

I'm sorry to say it OP but gambling is where my mind went too. I hope it isn't that, but the money has clearly gone somewhere.

I hope you are able to get to the bottom of it quickly and work through it.

Agree with PP

Check yours and his credit reports - this may not even be the full picture.

You need full disclosure on not only what he has been spending on but WHY he thinks it's acceptable to treat you like this.

It's a massive betrayal of your trust.

Please don’t label yourself a “nag”.

You’ve ever right to find out where this money has gone, that isn’t being a nag, it’s being financially responsible.

you guys are just amazing!

i have sat in my own thoughts since yesterday morning absolutely stewing.

its not the type of thing you want to discuss with your family or friends (fear of being judged i suppose) but im so glad i posted today.

you have all made me feel like my feelings are vaild

Could it be day trading online, using apps? (etoro, plus500 etc) This is basically gambling, but with the veil of legitimacy that you are 'trading'. Lots of blokes who would never walk into a betting shop get sucked into gambling this way - they are not interested in betting but they don't think that's what this is, they think they are brainy and sophisticated enough to play the stock market and make money on it just by reading up a bit online. And they lose big. And end up in gambling clinics. Happened to a friend of mine- her husband got sucked into this and just could not stop. Every time he lost he panicked and tried to win it all back before she found out. They lost their home in the end

Is it just the credit card debt that he has? If so can you consolidate this into a personal loan and close the credit cards down? It will most likely save interest and take away the temptation of being able to spend the money again.

@Leopardpj he wouldnt even know where to begin with this so i sincerely hope not!

@Wolfpa tried to do a loan yesterday but i think as his cards are maxed pretty much, nowhere would entertain it for less than 400 a month.

If you go down the route of paying it off
i would sign up to a credit checker like Experian or Totally money where you get all of the main 4 credit reports and you get notifications if you take out any further credit

or try clear score it’s free and I would do it without knowing
you only need his date of birth set it up with an email
address that only you use and set it to your mobile number

@Itsjustmeee thats a great idea!
he uses experian and clear score.
used them yesterday he said to try get a consolidation loan but he wasnt offered any.
doesnt surprise me!

Like others have said, these days gambling isn't just the bookies or slot machines. A friend of our family has always liked a bet on the horses and football, he was well known for it but it was under control. Then the bailiffs turned up to evict them from the house as it had been repossessed. Hed been a sneaky fucker and charged the standing order details. She believed they were over paying the mortgage by £800 a month and in reality he was sending the mortgage payments of £1300 AND overpayment to his own secret bank account with the same mortgage provider. And he got away with it for 15 months as she wasn't on the mortgage. And his gambling addiction wasn't in the actual bookies, it was online and it was betting on digital games. She lost her house, their kids home, as he was betting on which digital hamster would spin its wheel the most times , which dog would find the biggest bone etc. stupid kids games basically that he would wager ever increasing amounts on.

I think you should cut up the credit cards before he comes home and drop them in front of him like confetti tbh.

You definitely need to have a heart to heart which must include him showing all statements to find out what he’s spending this on and finding a plan for how to pay off.
This may include him getting additional work.

And of course he must agree to never use credit cards again or at least for the foreseeable future. You say he is texting you as if everything is fine - be careful of him gaslighting you and making out as if you’re over-reacting or unreasonable when you’re not. He has been incredibly unfair to you and inconsiderate. Why should he get to spend majority of the shared finances, while at the same time plunging you both further into debt?

I would predict he's gambling op. Can you sneak into his online life a little more?

You can get a a note put on his credit file that makes credit applications take longer and turn paperbased- something like ‘all applications to be approved by letter to home address’).

Then you can make sure he doesn’t hide anything from you. Once that’s done review all of your debt as a family and determine the best way to consolidate it. Work out how much interest you’re paying.

If his credit report is okay, a debt consolidation loan of the same amount he was paying monthly (£400) would be better as it will pay off quicker. Seems like your DH shouldn’t have too much spare money as he’s shit at managing it.

My husband and I have both done this in the past. I transferred a PayPal and a credit card to a loan once. He ran up debt on my credit card and I did it on the PayPal. I've been tempted before to get an interest free card but I know what would happen. I agree you need to understand what he has spent it on but it's very easily done.

Cutting up the cards achieves nothing as you can still use them online.

Not defending him btw I'm just saying it's probably nothing sinister. If he tries to consolidate that he will get in more debt

I dont have all the cards in the house, the 3rd 1 sneakily applied for is in his wallet, he wil be asked for this tonight when hes home and i will happily cut them to shreds.
i will also ask to see his phone and check any apps for gambling etc.
and if he knows whats good for him he will agree to send me the statements for the past 3 months at least and any future 1s from now on.

it baffles me as i have a credit card, i use that to buy the fuel for my car every month and pay it off in full when the statement comes in so im never charged interest, he knows this!

ive told him i aint no mug but im not listening to anymore sorrys. they are not what i need from his sorry arse rn.

@INeedNewShoes omg i didnt think of that!
he could have it linked to all sorts!

hopefully when i see the statements i can see what hes been spending on and if any online shopping is involved he will be asked to go in and delete payment method.

i have sneaky suspicion amazon will be 1 of them!

God, I can imagine how you're feeling. Spiralling finances make me sick to my stomach.

I might be wrong, but it sounds like he's just awful with money more than anything else. My DH and I have joint finances and when things get a bit murky (ie. savings being dipped into unexpectedly, credit card not decreasing, etc), we will have an evening where we sit together and really go through everything.

Mumsnet can be very debt averse and also not very understanding of joint finances. But a PP mentioned MSE, I think? I'd also recommend the Dave Ramsey snowballing method of just paying off the smallest debt as quickly as possible. It could be good motivation for your DH. Can you have a really stingy November and throw everything at it at the end of the month?

I really feel for you, but try not to lose your shit with him because, in my experience, he'll be embarrassed and perhaps reluctant to face it with you. He obviously needs to establish how the debt built up and you need him to be open and honest with you.

Wow if my hubby did this there would be serious questions and investigation as to where so much money has gone. You need to find out how the heck money has gone so quickly by so much. Hope not like my ex husband gambling addict secret.