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Original poster

husbands debt is crippling!

411 replies

C22 · 01/11/2023 11:06

I need to vent I hope you don’t mind 😭

I found out yesterday my husband has got us into a good bit of debt without me knowing about it. I say us, it’s in his name but as we are married it’s always been split no matter what debt it is.

Background.

He had a credit card at the beginning of the year, paying interest on it which was getting him nowhere as he was only paying the minimum monthly.

I spoke to him about trying to get a balance transfer card meaning he would have x amount of months free from interest to try and clear it quicker.

He did the balance transfer but was only allowed to transfer 3/4 of the amount he owed on the interest 1.

At the time I told him, pay more to the 1 with interest and minimum to the non interest 1.

Turns out 10 months later after I asked him how he was getting on with the cards he said he was struggling really bad with it,

I was confused as at the time we figured out we could afford to give him 400 a month towards the cards, more than enough!

I only asked him how he was getting on as things are tight just now and was hoping we could free up some of that 400.

Well…
the interest accruing 1 I has an extra 2k on it from what it was 10 months ago!

The non interest has barely moved due to minimum payments.

And he has another card now with £5500 owing on it!

3 cards with £13.5k in total.

I am beyond gutted and really disappointed to the point I can’t even look at him.

As mentioned above we have always always split monthly outgoings 50/50. Then just half what’s left for spending on whatever. but as it stands just now there's hardly anything left after paying everything and these dam cards!

I want to support him but financially his card debts are crippling!

I could cry I feel so stressed and angry

OP posts:
Freshstart78 · 03/11/2023 01:46

Northernsouloldies · 03/11/2023 01:32

Op I know you're livid and with good reason but I'd be careful about confronting the coke dealer, yes you know him but you don't know who the higher ups are and that's when things could get dangerous and personally I wouldn't say anything about getting police involved etc. You have enough going on. Good luck in getting it sorted out.

Yes second this. Forget the dealer. He wont care. You have a DP problem not a dealer problem.

If this was my DP I wouldn’t be leaving this to sort this out himself. He would get a debit card with a small allowance drip fed in. All income would go to me. Salary details changed. I would take charge of the debt repayments and financial organisation. Put alerts on his credit check accounts. He’s not going to sort this out. And it will be your problem as you’re married. So he can either do it my way or it’s the high way.

PaminaMozart · 03/11/2023 02:09

I too feel that involving your son would not be appropriate - for all the reasons @Sugarcoatedcandycane outlined.

I also agree with @Northernsouloldies that confronting the coke dealer could be dangerous.

If you want to help him sort out his mess, ask him to engage with one of the debt management charities.

user1492757084 · 03/11/2023 02:25

Your husband should be looking for a side hustle on one of his weekend days. He should be paying the money back by mowing lawns, taking in ironing or doing gardens etc..

EachandEveryone · 03/11/2023 05:27

How old is he? Does a middle aged man suddenly get a coke habit. Steer clear of the dealer.

PriOn1 · 03/11/2023 06:24

Think I’d be divorcing him, whether we stayed together or not. I couldn’t live with the worry about what debt he was racking up that I was going to have to pay half of. And this is why I will never, ever get married again.

PaterPower · 03/11/2023 07:13

Have you checked his latest Experian score?

Taking cash out on CC’s is always scored badly by lenders as it suggests an inability to manage money properly (sounds like they’re right in your husband’s case).

You sound like you’ve been a lot more understanding than many partners would have been. I hope he realises how fortunate he is to have you and doesn’t slack off on getting help on his immaturity with money and/or the drugs addiction, (if he really has the latter).

Kimten · 03/11/2023 07:21

I had one like that that.
I ditched him in the end because he would have pulled me into bankruptcy with him.
He was incapable of saving even one penny.

CountryCob · 03/11/2023 07:56

So sorry, I would check whether it is gambling also. Whatever it is its addictive and destructive.

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 03/11/2023 08:04

TheFlis · 01/11/2023 12:40

You need to demand to see the statements for all of the cards so you can see where the money has gone.

@C22 do this and demand answers to what he is up to with the money.
I think you should call your bank for a loan to pay of the credit cards this will be cheaper in the long run and just one bill.
Maybe it’s time he paid all his wages to you and you dealt with the finances either this or you have to leave .
He is lying to you keeping secrets and ruining any future plans for moving forward in life .
He’s spending spending spending abs you are struggling. He can’t be trusted to do the right thing.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 03/11/2023 08:31

🌺

Original poster
C22 · 03/11/2023 09:00

Thank you all,
yeah I think it was a heat of the moment saying I’d go speak to the dealer,
was a shock knowing what he was doing then another shock to find out who supplied it,
i also won’t be going to my son, that was a stupid idea as you said, it could land us in a worse situation.

OP posts:
Imagwine · 03/11/2023 09:01

All in your control in future. One slip up and that’s it. You’ve been really calm up til now. Please don’t allow this dreadful situation to get worse.

NonMiDispiace · 03/11/2023 09:05

Imagwine · 03/11/2023 09:01

All in your control in future. One slip up and that’s it. You’ve been really calm up til now. Please don’t allow this dreadful situation to get worse.

But it isn’t in OP’s control, her husband has already proved to be a liar, deceitful and untrustworthy to the nth degree. He’s lied for months about paying off his original debt whilst piling up yet more. Why should she trust him now? I certainly wouldn’t.

BardRelic · 03/11/2023 09:09

but he’s turning it round saying I just don’t care about him, he’s struggling, he’s asking me for help and I’m snubbing him as if he’s nothing

So he's at the reversing victim and offender stage. Nice. The problem with helping him is that essentially it will just enable him. He needs to feel the consequence of his actions, otherwise it will just be a case of he makes a mess, everyone else clears it up, and the chances are he'll keep doing it. Enabling can take different forms but IME one of the key ones is protecting people from the consequences of their actions. Do not do that.

Some people are just incredibly entitled. They think somehow they're owed this stuff and don't think about how ultimately, someone will be paying for it. I've watched other people go through this. One person is the feckless spender whilst the other is the worrier who sorts it out. All I can say is, aim never to be either person in that dynamic.

Haydenn · 03/11/2023 09:36

I think if you are using joint money to pay this down you are entitled to see the statements every month to manage this. You need to see whether he’s managing the repayments badly or is continuing to spend and then what he is spending on.

sorry he sounds like a nightmare 💐

Original poster
C22 · 03/11/2023 09:37

Thank you,
this will be hard for me as a person not to fix.
im the first to help anyone especially my closest,
but he’s been told from this wage, I am not helping him pay this anymore, so if he’s short this month he better have a plan B.

does anyone know if there is such thing as a support network for my position?
seems to be a lot fir his side but my side I can’t see anything.

unfortunately I don’t have anyone IRL I can vent to about this. Which is causing me to build up my feelings.
I worry for my MH even tho I’m quite strong minded. But you can never tell what will tip you over.

if it wasn’t for being able to chat to you guys the past few days I’d be in a terrible state!

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 03/11/2023 09:44

@C22 massive squishes. I’d also be looking at his phone browser history - what websites us he going on. - but also his google search history. And has he any private/incognito browser windows open?

BardRelic · 03/11/2023 09:56

The only thing I know of OP is Al Anon, which helps the families of alcoholics. https://al-anonuk.org.uk/ There might be similar out there for families of other addictions though, and all addicts are likely to have debts, so that could be a source of support.

Al-Anon UK | For families & friends of alcoholics

Al-Anon Family Groups are for the families & friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength & hope in order to solve their common problems.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk

horseyhorsey17 · 03/11/2023 10:22

Unless you know what he's spent that on, and how he's managed to run up so much debt so quickly while also taking money from you to pay back the debt and spending that too, you're never going to resolve this. It sounds like he's got a gambling problem or is funding something he doesn't want you to know about. Have you any idea where that money has gone OP?

Trickedbyadoughnut · 03/11/2023 10:28

Just take on one thing at a time, OP. Try to take a bit of time for yourself each day, to have a bath, read, go for a walk, even if it's 10 minutes. The kinder you are to yourself, the better you'll be able to handle the rest.

ememem84 · 03/11/2023 10:59

Trickedbyadoughnut · 03/11/2023 10:28

Just take on one thing at a time, OP. Try to take a bit of time for yourself each day, to have a bath, read, go for a walk, even if it's 10 minutes. The kinder you are to yourself, the better you'll be able to handle the rest.

absolutely 100% agree with this. one thing and one day at a time.

work out the extent of the total debt - in my opinion it helps to know the full extent of things so you have the full picture.

then work out whether you can support DH through this. and remember its ok if you can't.

YourWinter · 03/11/2023 11:04

How awful that he so quickly turns it around to guilt trip you. Cunning piece of work, isn’t he?

OneMorePlant · 03/11/2023 11:33

Honestly I would never trust him with money again. If I didn't leave his ass I would be insisting that I would deal with all the money and all he got was a debit account that can't go into debt and he would get a weekly or monthly spend allowance while I sort all this shit out.

The man racked up 13k debt for heavens sake. He took drugs. There is no way he is to be trusted with any financial decisions.

Giving him any responsibility will just put you into more debt and misery. It's obvious he can not do it.

user1471538283 · 03/11/2023 11:51

I would go one step further and tell him he needs to repay to you the money you've previously given him to repay his debt (half of it was yours). He can pay you back first and then sort out the rest himself.

Although honestly, I would get legal advice and try to sever ties with him so you are not liable for all of this. I bet he will continue getting more debt and it's a concern about a consolidation loan which doesn't really tackle the main problem.

As long as you help him or he can re-write this into you not being supportive he will see it as your problem. Nah.

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