husbands debt is crippling!

[C22]

I need to vent I hope you don’t mind 😭

I found out yesterday my husband has got us into a good bit of debt without me knowing about it. I say us, it’s in his name but as we are married it’s always been split no matter what debt it is.

Background.

He had a credit card at the beginning of the year, paying interest on it which was getting him nowhere as he was only paying the minimum monthly.

I spoke to him about trying to get a balance transfer card meaning he would have x amount of months free from interest to try and clear it quicker.

He did the balance transfer but was only allowed to transfer 3/4 of the amount he owed on the interest 1.

At the time I told him, pay more to the 1 with interest and minimum to the non interest 1.

Turns out 10 months later after I asked him how he was getting on with the cards he said he was struggling really bad with it,

I was confused as at the time we figured out we could afford to give him 400 a month towards the cards, more than enough!

I only asked him how he was getting on as things are tight just now and was hoping we could free up some of that 400.

Well…
the interest accruing 1 I has an extra 2k on it from what it was 10 months ago!

The non interest has barely moved due to minimum payments.

And he has another card now with £5500 owing on it!

3 cards with £13.5k in total.

I am beyond gutted and really disappointed to the point I can’t even look at him.

As mentioned above we have always always split monthly outgoings 50/50. Then just half what’s left for spending on whatever. but as it stands just now there's hardly anything left after paying everything and these dam cards!

I want to support him but financially his card debts are crippling!

I could cry I feel so stressed and angry

He just called me on his break there, well FaceTime, I told him to FaceTime so I could see his reaction when I asked him to be honest with me and tell me exactly what he’s spent that money on.
when I asked he said his coke habit was getting out of control so was buying it a bit more as the months were going on.
I said, but I seen you every day I would know if you were high, he said the thing with taking it over a prolonged period is you don’t get the effects you would have at the beginning.. eyes popping, jaw swinging…
when he was first taking it, he was intentionally staying at work a bit longer On those days so he didn’t need to see me in morning, cause I’d be away to work.
by time I come home at 5 he’s out the high state.

i will ask for his phone tomorrow, and while on it, ask him to sign into his online banking so I can check his history.

this is making me feel awful but I know I need to do it

You’re so strong Op.

DP is terrible with money though not on this scale or with these problems. We've finally come to a way of dealing with it which kind of works and keeps it from getting any worse but money's very tight and will probably never not be.

If he addresses the other issues - looks like drugs? - and you don't split up, don't do anything which gives him the opportunity to spend more money, such as paying off accounts which are still open and where he could run up bills again, balance transfers, consolidation loans etc - no way.

Oh he won’t have a financial life that’s for sure.
he’s been spending the past nearly year living the high life, he will spend the next 3 scrimping every penny to pay his debts.

hes told me he will pay me back the money I paid into them too. At the time in his selfish thoughts he “wasn’t thinking it was stealing from me”
that was once I explained I gave him £200 a month, he paid it in but took twice as much back out!

1 good thing out of it all is. He is showing remorse, I’d not have a hesitation of staying/going if he was acting like it wasn’t serious.

im definitely not backing down, I stil have answers to get, I need to feel satisfied in his replies.

Hope him hitting rock bottom teaches him valuable lessons. Cause it’s certainly taught me a thing or 2

@C22 Massive hugs to you. This sounds like a horrid shock.

It sounds like both of you need therapy separately and possibly together. I've yet to see cocaine used by someone with truly high self-esteem. It's a totally ludicrous drug and your OH is right, you end up having to take more and more until it almost becomes like popping a paracetamol to get off it even though you no longer get the high.

He is not your child or your responsibility to support, he messed up big time and would have carried on doing so if you hadn't caught him but I do think if you have it in you he does deserve your compassion as a friend if he is willing to go to drug counselling or narcotics anonymous. By compassion I mean telling him 'that must be hard, i'm proud of you and I really hope you come out the other side proud of yourself' nothing more than that, I can't imagine how stressed you must be right now and to be honest you deserve the exact same compassion from him if you go to therapy (which I'm a big fan of, so I would say do find someone you feel safe letting out your anger with).

Best of luck to you both. Whilst it is a huge amount its not impossible the shock of losing you - or potentially losing you - will help him to turn this around and leave you communicating better than ever.

@FailWhale i might in time feel strong enough to show him compassion but right now as I’m still processing, analysing I just can’t yet.
he has asked me if we can go to counselling together cause he knows what he’s done to me, give him his due he has been the most remorseful I’ve ever seen in my time with him.
me as a person tho just needs to figure out how to get over the betrayal and if counselling helps that (which will be paid for by him) then I welcome that with open arms.

as I said before, in general he’s not a bad guy. This in my time with him, I hope, has been the 1 only time he has majorly fucked up! But still no excuse.

im leaning toward letting his actions speak louder than his words as his words are just blah blah to me right now.

as long as he is taking the steps to heal himself! I check in monthly on his finances!
and he can prove to me he is 100 percent in this. Then my feelings of giving up may change.

as it stands right now, neither of us has anywhere else to go so we are forced to stay put.

wether that’s a good thing or not…time will tell.

I just hope my belief of you never get trust back isn’t true.,
it won’t ever return to the way it was I know that much but liveable, hopefully

thank you ☺️

@C22 I feel for you. You don’t deserve this and tbh he doesn’t deserve you either. He’s betrayed your trust in the most horrible way and I don’t think you can get over that. I know I couldn’t because I’m a very open and honest person as I’m sure you are. And I expect the same from a partner and I just couldn’t deal with the lies. I would never have a moments peace in my head ever again if I stayed. So for my own sanity I would break up I’m afraid. But if you want to try then I wish you only the best for the future and I hope he knows what a diamond he’s got.

@Heb1996 awww tears here 😭😍
thank you for your reply.
this won’t be fixed overnight.
I wish I could make a decision right now, I suppose time will tell.
I’ve had these days on end with my mind in turmoil, I certainly wont allow myself to live like this any longer than I have to,
he better hope for miracles

They always show remorse AFTER they get caught.

Why didn't he have qualms when he was undermining you and your marriage and your security???

This! If they get away with it, things might 'normalise' for a while but be no time before they are back being deceitful again! A leopard cannot change it's spots! He is probably rubbing his hands together thinking, I've got this! She's going to stay with me and help me fix this!

@C22 🙏🙏🙏💕💕💕

Just be aware addictions extremely difficult to shake off unless the individual has dedicated themselves to a serious and consistent recovery regime.

Spending and more so drugs have beaten some lovely people.

He needs to attend Nsrcitics Anonymous at least. 90 meetings in 90 days, he needs to educate himself about why he does this and how to stop it, and get support from those who know how to handle this

C22 This isn’t the first time he had stuffed up.

Given it was you who discovered his stuff up this time.

Up to this point how remorseful was he?

Of course he is sorry.

If he wasn’t you would have thrown him out

Maybe others can get over betrayal.
But I find that once that switch flicks off then you can keep going but it never turns on again
Always in the back of your mind whether it’s an emotional or financial betrayal the question will alway be there

Oh holy cow I'm hurting for you right now. Get into YOUR credit files too (MSE plus TotallyMoney and Credability, all free and show you all three of the reporting companies). Put a marker on yours to stop him taking credit in your name. Lock all your own cards down so he can't physically get them and change all your banking passwords.

I am not surprised in the least that apart from the couple of thousand in cash on coke, the spending has been trickly and mostly on things that don't spook the crap out of anyone. The guy just has shit money management and was oblivious and uncaring that spending has to be repaid. Unfortunately this is half of Britain, not thinking about whether they need something, not really thinking about whether they can afford it, but thinking that if the minimums are always covered that they're managing money just fine. There's a lot of people in this thread jumping straight to the "deliberate total arsehole!" response but I read this as a clueless, thoughtless guy who just didn't think about the consequences and how you would be feel.

If you allow him to sort it all out on his own, it will fail. He hasn't got the skills and knowledge. Debt management arrangements will not work because they affect you and/or affect your home. Your best hope here is to take on money management for him (if you want to save the relationship). Set your bar high and make it non-negotiable.

Set a direct debit from his salary account to transfer his "monthly allowance" into a new current account debit card to use day to day. This is the only card he will use from now on. Everything else he earns is now yours to control, and you spend it on his share of the bills and house, repaying what you gave him, and throwing all spare pennies at his highest-rate card first. Check all the statements every month and all his credit files. Get all his credit card limits lowered right now (the bank will do this for you for any cards not maxed).

I know you're saying you aren't sure what your ultimate decision on the marriage will be. That's ok. You can take on the money side of things now and decide when you are ready, and spend the time deciding whether you think things can be saved. xx

There's something wishy washy about your replies op that make me think that you won't actually do anything. The 'Time will tell' mantra you keep repeating. You've had lots of advice on here with people reliving their own horror stories. However it's your life. If you choose to let this man ruin you no one can advise can they?

@decionsdecisions62 immon my way to work but thought I’d defend my replies,
I am thrown into the air at the moment.
none of us has anywhere to go. So forced to be in the house together.
he is sleeping in our spare room.
i certainly will do something about this but at the moment just don’t know what
I’ve never been in this position

@Froooty thank you for your reply.
he has always been shit with money but not to this extent, the type that can’t have £10 in his pocket he would need to spend it.
fortunately he does pay bills. Direct debits etc are never late. So I’m thankful for that at least,
I just don’t know if I’m prepared to mother him through life financially, that’s what I still need to decide.,
hoping he takes steps in sorting this.

You’re not being at all realistic here. He’s accumulated vast amounts of debt that you’re expecting him to pay off even though he’s literally not going to be able to.

you’re up for counselling. If he pays for it. How will he do that?

He has admitted to be a drug addict yet no real mention of support for that. He isn’t just going to stop. At this point you’re going to lose everything and you will be to blame because you know it and are doing nothing to address this.

As no mention of kids I assume there are none. Divorce now. If you fill immediately you can start separating finances. Get him to take on his own debts as part of settlement whilst he’s remorseful and not resentful. Sell the house. Split equity. Etc.

I feel your pain my husband had credit card debt which we paid off only for me to discover he had racked up more on PayPal. He spends on Amazon and eBay. He has just sent me a link for a new years break in the Lakes. I told him no because I will not be a part of his debt fest. The worst for me isnt the money its the deceit. I also have nobody to depend do or look out for me. Just a man child who I have to teach and chastise.

The quicker you get a financial settlement the better. Currently he is feeling a lot of guilt about doing wrong. This guilt WILL FADE over time, meaning the settlement won’t be as good for you.

He is trading on the fact you will ‘forgive’ him in the next few days, and it seems he’s probably justified in that opinion, and you have already made begun making copious excuses for him. As I have said, he is a gambler and is just itching for things to return to normal so he can resume his addiction.

Absolutely start taking steps to financially separating. With advice from a solicitor/lawyer.
If, in a few weeks or months, you feel more settled in staying - fine, no harm done. Even if you stay, you deserve the peace of mind of knowing if he does go off the rails again, he can't take you with him.
f the other hand, if you do decide this is it for your relationship, you'll have some of the hard stuff already sorted.
Right now you don't have to make the go-or-stay decision, you just need to protect yourself from further financial harm.

The only way to protect financially is divorce.

When I found out about my husbands debt I initially told him I wanted to try and work it out. I didn’t want to end my marriage and you don’t just stop loving someone when you find out they’ve done something that makes you wonder who they are and doubt your whole relationship. The emotions are very painful and complicated. I would say you need to take the time to be sure if you walk away you do it knowing you did everything you could first. I’m now 6 months post separation and it’s very difficult but I can deal with the days when I doubt my decision by reminding myself I did everything I could to save my marriage short of sacrificing myself.

Sorry he's not a goodun. He's playing the victim when he's played you for months. I have been in a similar situation and I went in with my eyes wide open so I know it's hard to leave. Tell him you will speak to him when he has sorted out how to deal with His debt. It's not yours and he's not your child