@C22
i was in your place once. I knew things weren’t adding up at home with money but like you trusted DH, at the time we had 3 small kids, I’d handed over the money management role after the 2nd so I could deal with the kids and as DH was working and I wasn’t it made sense he managed the bills and money…
One day I found a statement for a loan I wasn’t aware of, £9k, I was pissed but still gave him the benefit of the doubt, over the following days there were credit cards I wasn’t aware of. He’d had an issue with not telling the truth and not paying bills in the past, at one point it effected me, I thought I’d made my position clear with him if he did it again, but obviously not. Anyway I was at breaking point, I’d always kept what happens between us, between us, but i decided I couldn’t handle it this time, we were looking at almost £20k of debt here so I told on him. I told one of his family members, he was humiliated especially when they took it to his parents.
The final figure which I found out from his family was almost £60k. We had absolutely nothing to show for it, most of our furniture was stuff I bought in fucking second hand shops. Nothing made sense.
We got out of the debt, some financial help from his family, he also had some shares he could cash, but being micromanaged and having fortnightly meetings with one of his siblings and going through everything with a fine tooth comb was what did it. He had zero money of his own for a very long time.
I was lucky his family didn’t let myself and the kids suffer, if the kids needed anything his parents covered the costs so they weren’t effected.
For us to stay together he had to agree to being managed by his sibling and me. He agreed to counselling and that he could not get upset with me about not trusting him even if it took years.
We are a number of years down the line now and he’s a different man, I still question finances but I have full visibility, he’s not allowed a separate account or credit card, we’ve kept this up. These days we very much discuss finances, he knows he can’t let him self forget to tell me anything, if I suspect even a little he’s not telling the truth he’s done. The kids are older so far easier for me to walk now. But, he’s not given me any reason, if anything he’s now a far better saver than me. Savings go into an account solely in my name so if we need to use any only I can access them. He nags me and will tell me to hold off buying something until there is x amount in the account.
The money just went into the abyss, no gambling, women or drugs, he would just spend for the sake of it, not pay bills on time, incur interest, not declare extra income with the inland revenue, get fined, not pay parking fines, couldn’t find his expensive electric tool because the work shed was a mess, instead of tidying up he’d just buy a new one, lots of take always, online gaming, drawing cash on credit card out, meals out just stuff we just could not afford to do.
I really hope you get to the bottom of this, as you say trust your gut. I knew I wasn’t going to get to the bottom and I wasn’t strong enough at the time, 3 small kids including a baby so I told someone I knew would not take his bull shit and who he would be ashamed of knowing what he’d done. And please do not take his trying to turn things on you. If he’s genuinely remorseful and wants to fix this he will have to take what ever you throw at him to fix this.