husbands debt is crippling!

[C22]

I need to vent I hope you don’t mind 😭

I found out yesterday my husband has got us into a good bit of debt without me knowing about it. I say us, it’s in his name but as we are married it’s always been split no matter what debt it is.

Background.

He had a credit card at the beginning of the year, paying interest on it which was getting him nowhere as he was only paying the minimum monthly.

I spoke to him about trying to get a balance transfer card meaning he would have x amount of months free from interest to try and clear it quicker.

He did the balance transfer but was only allowed to transfer 3/4 of the amount he owed on the interest 1.

At the time I told him, pay more to the 1 with interest and minimum to the non interest 1.

Turns out 10 months later after I asked him how he was getting on with the cards he said he was struggling really bad with it,

I was confused as at the time we figured out we could afford to give him 400 a month towards the cards, more than enough!

I only asked him how he was getting on as things are tight just now and was hoping we could free up some of that 400.

Well…
the interest accruing 1 I has an extra 2k on it from what it was 10 months ago!

The non interest has barely moved due to minimum payments.

And he has another card now with £5500 owing on it!

3 cards with £13.5k in total.

I am beyond gutted and really disappointed to the point I can’t even look at him.

As mentioned above we have always always split monthly outgoings 50/50. Then just half what’s left for spending on whatever. but as it stands just now there's hardly anything left after paying everything and these dam cards!

I want to support him but financially his card debts are crippling!

I could cry I feel so stressed and angry

*C22 · Today 09:37

Thank you,
this will be hard for me as a person not to fix.
im the first to help anyone especially my closest,
but he’s been told from this wage, I am not helping him pay this anymore, so if he’s short this month he better have a plan B.

does anyone know if there is such thing as a support network for my position?
seems to be a lot fir his side but my side I can’t see anything.

unfortunately I don’t have anyone IRL I can vent to about this. Which is causing me to build up my feelings.
I worry for my MH even tho I’m quite strong minded. But you can never tell what will tip you over.

if it wasn’t for being able to chat to you guys the past few days I’d be in a terrible state*

I suggest you look at this in terms of the rest of your life.

You can put in place Experian alerts and check credit files and demand to see statements and 101 other things to keep him on the straight and narrow but I can guarantee that at some point in a few years when you have got on top of everything and you are just relaxing thinking it’s all ok, you will find he has taken you missing not checking as the green light to do it all again

He is a proven liar and the trust has gone. When trust has gone there is no relationship

Look at the time you will spend over your lifetime having to look after and monitor and think about his spending habits. It adds up to months, sometimes years
Every second you spend doing this is a second of your life you will never get back

Friend has been through this 3 times with her husband (told to bin him when she was in her late 20s) and now she is stuck and in her late 50s working every hour she can as they finally lost the house, They can’t get a mortgage (his debt and their age) so she rents a tiny 1 bed place for them both. She pays for everything as his pension goes towards paying off his debts.

She now wants him gone but he has no where to go

Don’t be a mug, OP. This guy is full of shit.

Really wish you all the best OP, stay strong.

If you do want to stay with him he has to be with you EVERY INCH of the way. No more fuckwittery!

The more I read this thread the more I hope you do the right thing and get rid of him to not only protect your finances but your entire state of mind! If this happened to me I'd be floored.

Can you access counselling through an employee assistance package, or a mental health plan from your GP? It is really important to care for yourself.
One way to approach the future of a relationship after someone breaks faith so severely is to say 'ok, this takes our relationship right back to square one, because all trust, respect etc has been eroded'. Divorce, unless a lawyer can help you with an iron clad plan to separate your finances from his debt. He moves out. Then, after the dust has settled, you might decide to ho on a date with him. You start right from the beginning. Be really honest with yourself each time about whether you want to take the next step... a second date. A third. Visiting each other's homes. Etc.
The idea is that you have space to build your own independent life, including financial security - and so does he (which may include bankruptcy if he keeps going!)
If you have that independent life and you decide you do want to keep dating him, you can be sure it is because he actually brings joy to your life, not because divorce is hard or you're not sure how you'll cope. And, on the other hand, if you do separate and he doesn't make the effort to date you - you can see how little he actually cares for you, and you're already free to just walk away.

@Yalta your friend can still divorce him. She rents somewhere, that's her home. He has no right to stay there if he's not on the tenancy. Him having nowhere to go isn't her problem. If he is on the tenancy she can end it by moving somewhere else. Or speaking to the landlord to see if they'd agree to end the tenancy then re-rent solely to her, so she doesn't need to move. She doesn't have to stay with him.

OP it's not support exactly but you could try the blog Baggage Reclaim it's about abusive men, specifically you want the articles on being a rescuer/fixer. You can ignore the stuff about cheating and violence. The rescuer/fixer articles are about you changing, not the man, and how to regain control over your own life.

The emotional abuse articles applies to your situation too because that's what it is when he tried to turn it round on you and make it your fault. Also when he tried to shut you down with the silent treatment.

You need the articles about boundaries too. So you don't get shit upon going forward. Or rather, that if you do, you know how to deal with it.

He's been incredibly disrespectful and broken your marriage contract so I'd make that official and divorce him, it's the only way to sever financial links. Paying half of £13.5k is a relatively small price to pay for the peace of mind that the home you live in (wherever that ends up being) is yours and he can never cause you to lose it, the savings you have will never be used to bale him out ever again. If you decide to remain living with him it'll then be easy to kick him out if ever he doesn't stump up his share of the bills.

And if he does want to stay in a relationship with you he'll do the decent thing and pay you back that half of £13.5k that he landed you with in the divorce, plus the divorce fees and also the £2k he's effectively stolen from you by not using it for it's intended purpose of paying down the original debt. All that is a small price for him to pay to remain in a relationship with the woman he disrespected, betrayed and then tried to blame, who by some miracle loves him enough to give him yet another chance (if you do). If he disagrees with that, what does it tell you about him and his feelings for you?

A second chance only happens once OP and he's already had that with you helping to bail him out of the original debt. After that it's not a second chance any more, it's an acceptance of whatever shit situation you're in and that it's not going to change. He needs serious consequences.

Dont panic. I had over 40k on credit cards and was managing the monthly payments ok but not really reducing the overall debt. When I could pay a bit extra I would but sometime later in the year id need to use the cards to fix the car etc. I contacted stepchange and set up a debt management plan. They worked out an arrangement and over the last 3 years I have paid off most of the debt as the interest has been mostly stopped. There are 3 or 4 free debt support charities (stepchange, cap) unsure of the others. Be careful. As there are profit making companies too. A DMP is not like an iva so it does not affect your life as negatively as those type of arrangements but it most certainly helped me massively.

Take care.

I had one of those. Found a year's worth of unopened bank statements hidden in a suitcase under the bed the week before the wedding. Said, I'll pay all the bills while you sort it. I paid all the bills ... he didn't sort it. I paid it off. And the next one and the next one and the next one... Eventually I sent him to Christians Against Poverty for debt counselling. But he never bought into it. Bottom line, he didn't want to change. He didn't want to deprive himself of anything he wanted regardless of whether he could afford it. Him - latest iPhone. Me - £100 Android. Him - MacBook air. Me - Chinese netbook. You get the picture. In the end, that was what made he lose all respect for him (that and his hands off parenting, laziness around the house, constant job changing, drink problem etc), gave me the ick, and the only way out was to split. Funny how my one-person income seems to go further than the two-person income did!

It may be time for him to talk to a Debt Consolidation Organisation to organise the whole mess. This will of course reduce or trash his credit score, meaning he cant get any more credit cards , loans etc. Failing that, an IVA or to declare himself bankrupt. None of these are easy solutions, all have a significant impact on his credit score and so your lifestyle together.
An Bankrupcy Order will clear his debt but means absolutely no credit for 7 years and if he works in finance or a related industry may cost him his job ( A bankrupt cannot work in the financial sector)
I stayed with my husband throughout his IVA (£43k debt I knew nothing about) for 7 years. They were hard. Lifestyle change. Every penny counted. Functional living.
A few weeks after the 7 years were up, he ran off with a close friend of mine, so clearly he was unable to stop keeping secrets from me. Betrayed does not even cover it. Once this whole mess is responsibly dealt with by him, you need to decide if that trust can ever be rebuilt. Whether you can sleep next to and have a positive relationship with him.
He may be a good man who got into a mess and needs to sort it, with your support BUT you need to decide what YOU need from the relationship going forwards. If you feel he cannot provide that, then you have some decisions, heartbreaking ones, to make.
He is now my ex husband. Unless you are both on the same page , during and after this, the relationship will fail. He has taken your money, ringfenced for his debt, and intentionally hidden his behaviour from you for 10 months. Remember that YOU are not there to bail him out or sort out his weaknesses..he was your equal partner and has deceived you. Fessing up when it's gone wrong is not your responsibility. Dont give him any more cash, and bank your own wages separately.

You have every right to vent but speak with your husband.
Can you do a budget together, I mean right down to the last penny. I love zero based budgeting.
Do you have "wants" that you can get rid of ( sky tv, Spotify, netflix etc)?
Do you both have contract mobiles(? Think about paying them off and getting giff gaff).
Planning a lux holiday? Cancel and throw the money at debt.
Can anyone pick up extra hours?
Two cars; can you get rid of one and use public transport?
Love eating out? Try meal prep instead.
I had around same debt as you when I returned to university but I changed my life and lived very frugal and paid it off in 1yr. Also I'd suggest your husband, maybe you both as a family, are not "credit card" people so cut them up now. You can clear the debt and fast but don't keep up with the Jones.

Have read your posts @C22, but no others, so I apologise if someone's already suggested this, but where he has bought online eg Amazon, please make sure that he hasn't saved his card details, otherwise if he has he will still be able to buy from them, and the temptation to do so may be too much for him.

This must have knocked you sick - I'm so sorry you have this to deal with.

Is he doing it in his own when he’s at work, or is it something a few of them are doing there? I’d be worried if it was the latter and they were still continuing whilst he was trying to clean up.

You need to demand to see the statements as there's more to this..he may be gambling or simply reckless. It may be that you need to take over all finances and give him an allowance every week, if he wants to behave like an irresponsible child then there are consequences. If you visit the citizens advice bureau they will help you contact the credit card companies to stop the cards and agree a payment plan without the cards accruing more interest. You have to take this in hand as much as you probably don't want to as if he is left to deal with it he won't and you stand to lose a lot. My daughter lived with a gambler and I live with someone that has made me bankrupt, believe me the end consequences of this not being stopped are not good. Get your big girl pants on and fight for your financual future! Good luck. ❤️

OP, I have been there done that with XH, and I understand the feeling of betrayal. XH didn't understand either until his mate told him that he had let me down and I was right to feel the way I did (I had transferred his debt to my name on 0% card and he then built it up again behind my back and I was devastated).

Your DH seems to be saying all the right things and trying to seek help etc, but only you can decide if you want to stay with him.

This is his debt, it is not marital debt as he has spent it all on himself. As long as the card is in his name then it is his debt.

This is his problem to clear and shouldn't affect your life, so please don't give him your money to repay this earlier. Don't cut out the things that you want in order to help him, that is very unfair on you.

If you do decide to stay together, then the only way forward is for you to manage all the money and pay the cards yourself so that you know it has been done. He gives all his money to you, and then has a small amount to cover his essential expenses , you retain everything that you need for bills, and family expenses, and everything else goes off the cards.

Total transparency is the only forward for you or you will never trust that he is making the payments.

Obviously yes, all credit cards should be cut up and he should never apply for any more.

He could contact Stepchange for advice as well.

Thinking of u OP, such a shitty, unnecessary situation. I could scream on ur behalf

He needs to go to CAB and find out about setting up some IVAs. They're Individual Voluntary Agreements with the creditors, he agrees what he can afford to pay and when. The good thing is it makes it difficult to get further credit by taking out other cards, the cards you already have stop allowing further spending and any interest is stopped. I went with a family member few years ago now and she managed to get out of debt this way.

I'd be worried sharing an address with him as his debts will be tied to you for credit checks, remortgage, etc.

Ah I’m so sorry OP. I second what someone said about counselling it will be the emotional support you need while you navigate this, and help you process your thoughts.
I just also wanted to say that there absolutely must be more to this than drugs- if it’s even drugs at all. On that level of habit (that level of expense) hed be off his face- you would defo 100% notice!!! I hate to say what im gonna say and I know it’s been said-but it’s an extremely common problem- men using prostitutes, there have been an absolute explosion of pop-up brothels literally everywhere across the country and that would explain the cash withdrawals. It could be an addiction, a dirty habit- either way obviously totally unacceptable. When you check his phone look at his search history on Google and deleted messages too. Though I’m afraid to say he’s probably anticipated you doing this already and cleared stuff already. I speak from experience OP. All the best with it x

People make mistakes, it starts off as a one off and then it builds up and before you know it you are out of your depth. Only you know the value of your relationship and what mistakes are acceptable. But no matter what your feelings are, you need to protect yourself and minimise the future potential for re-occurrences. Don't just check his card statements, do a credit check on you and him each month. You can sign up on line and get instant access, insist you see his monthly. People who perceive themselves cornered, do desperate things.If he hasn't been paying his credit card, what else has he let slide - hence credit check. If you have any joint finances with him, cease the account. Do you rent or own? There is help available for family members but it differs in each area. CAB will be able to advise you. Good luck, don't feel you are on your own! Finally don't be ashamed...you have done nothing wrong except trust your OH!

I doubt he will change while you are holding his hand and navigating it all for him.

I think you have to leave and soon. Let him sort out his own debt. Sorry to be so blunt, but you only get one shot at life, and repaying that debt will go on for years. Let him apply for bankruptcy if necessary. You are not a fixer, and it is probably a waste of time to try anyway in the long run.

This. Get the past statements. You can’t take his word about anything because he is sneaky and deceitful.

He's been incredibly disrespectful and broken your marriage contract so I'd make that official and divorce him, it's the only way to sever financial links. Paying half of £13.5k is a relatively small price to pay for the peace of mind that the home you live in (wherever that ends up being) is yours and he can never cause you to lose it, the savings you have will never be used to bale him out ever again. If you decide to remain living with him it'll then be easy to kick him out if ever he doesn't stump up his share of the bills.

And if he does want to stay in a relationship with you he'll do the decent thing and pay you back that half of £13.5k that he landed you with in the divorce, plus the divorce fees and also the £2k he's effectively stolen from you by not using it for it's intended purpose of paying down the original debt. All that is a small price for him to pay to remain in a relationship with the woman he disrespected, betrayed and then tried to blame, who by some miracle loves him enough to give him yet another chance (if you do). If he disagrees with that, what does it tell you about him and his feelings for you?

This is good advice.

@FiestyGemini why would you suggest that OP bail out her reckless H? If you've RTFT she's made it abundantly clear that won't be happening. And good on her.

Thank you all for your replies, I have read every 1.

im still in the not believing what he’s telling me stage,
something isn’t adding up, my gut is telling me that.
I’ve nit asked for the phone as yet as I need to be strong enough for what I might find.
as someone said, I would definitely notice if he was shoving that amount of money up his nose, I seen him every day,
im not saying he hasn’t been taking it cause I believe that is also involved, judging by the sinus issues he all of a sudden has, but the amount of money taken out he definitely has been spending it on something else too!

i have told him again and again I am not helping him with payments, so he knows that’s not an option.

I’ve told him this financial infidelity which causes me the exact same feeling as if it were a cheating with a person infidelity,
so he needs to answer anything I throw at him. Which so far has been a lot. I suspect cause I reckon there is more to this.

credit checks have been done and it shows what I know about, car, phone etc and these 3 cards. so he’s not taken out any further loans or anything,
my suspicion was hes taken a loan somewhere this year to try pay them off but there’s nothing there I don’t know about.

is this worth fighting for? I don’t know..
not yet, not until I am satisfied I have analysed everything I need to,
then I can make a decision on my future with him.

phone, actual bank statements instead of only card statements, these will need to be checked.

in general he isn’t a bad guy, works hard, does anything I ask, but this betrayal has given me a different feeling towards him for sure at the moment.

He’s a gambler

Just remember that he will probably anticipate you asking to look through his phone, so the longer you leave it the more chance he has to go through everything himself and delete any incriminating messages/emails etc.