husbands debt is crippling!

[C22]

I need to vent I hope you don’t mind 😭

I found out yesterday my husband has got us into a good bit of debt without me knowing about it. I say us, it’s in his name but as we are married it’s always been split no matter what debt it is.

Background.

He had a credit card at the beginning of the year, paying interest on it which was getting him nowhere as he was only paying the minimum monthly.

I spoke to him about trying to get a balance transfer card meaning he would have x amount of months free from interest to try and clear it quicker.

He did the balance transfer but was only allowed to transfer 3/4 of the amount he owed on the interest 1.

At the time I told him, pay more to the 1 with interest and minimum to the non interest 1.

Turns out 10 months later after I asked him how he was getting on with the cards he said he was struggling really bad with it,

I was confused as at the time we figured out we could afford to give him 400 a month towards the cards, more than enough!

I only asked him how he was getting on as things are tight just now and was hoping we could free up some of that 400.

Well…
the interest accruing 1 I has an extra 2k on it from what it was 10 months ago!

The non interest has barely moved due to minimum payments.

And he has another card now with £5500 owing on it!

3 cards with £13.5k in total.

I am beyond gutted and really disappointed to the point I can’t even look at him.

As mentioned above we have always always split monthly outgoings 50/50. Then just half what’s left for spending on whatever. but as it stands just now there's hardly anything left after paying everything and these dam cards!

I want to support him but financially his card debts are crippling!

I could cry I feel so stressed and angry

Sharing an address isn’t the issue. Being married and having joint credit is the issue.

Have you asked/checked his phone yet ? A friend of mine was in similar situation and he said it was drugs it ended up this was a story to cover up the fact he was gabbling and also seeing other women!

Sorry to say this, might be completly different but I would defintly do further checks and check his phone before you make any final decisions.

He could have easily done a factory reset on his phone when he went for that first walk.

This is very true a factory reset could have been done. But you would know, if he has cleared his phone and there is nothing on it, and if this is the case, then why...

This would just mean he is covering up his lies and definetly more to it than the story he has told you.

Is he gambling in secret? How else might he have built up such a lot of debt? Why are you staying with him? He probably won’t tell you the truth if you ask him what the money was spent on. Can you see his statements so you can see where the money has gone? What an awful situation for you

It won't end here, sadly.

Either you will go mental with the stress of having to babysit him financially for the rest of your life or he will find a way to get his fix somehow and when he does, he'll just say sorry and expect to be forgiven again, probably blaming you for it.

Life is just too short. Single life without young kids can be better than a partnership with someone you cannot trust.

I stayed, more than once with partners I felt responsible for and in the end you still end up alone but you've lost all those years where you might just have been happy.

Would you ever trust a drug addict ? No, And there is your answer.

I am hoping OP comes back to us at some point and lets us know she is okay.

My now dead ex husband came home off his head on coke once. I could never figure out why we never had any money. The answer had two parts:

He was also an alcoholic. Apparently what alcoholics do when they go to a pub is to buy everyone a drink so they feel like they have mates. Plus the coke, god knows how long that went on, but he died 8 years ago of an 'accidental overdose.'

The other thing was he was using prostitutes, allegedly to spite me after our many, many rows. But I actually think, in hindsight, he was a sex addict.

He had very very bad mental health problems, deep rooted from many years past, and whilst I am not suggesting for a second that your husband is up to any of this, I see coke use these days (unless, say, when out clubbing) as a pretty strong indicator of mental health issues. So, digging has to be done, OP. You need to get to the root of the cause and find out if other bad behaviour has been occuring as a result.

You, erm, might want to get yourself down the GP surgery and see a gyno. If you think there is more to the story than seems plausible.

Yes, me too, she has a lot of bad news to digest and people judging & telling her she's awful for not making a snap decision to leave her partner can't be helping!

I think gambling is at the root of this. And I think we haven’t given the OP the response she wanted, so she’s left, as is often the case

Or the content of this thread whilst trying to deal with a shit show at home is too overwhelming to deal with?

The OP came here for advice - she didn’t like it?

There’s no obligation to take any advice, it’s a free country and she can do as she likes. OP has enough going on without more pressure and judgement being piled on her.

You could say that about anyone who comes here looking for advice

The OP has posted an astonishing 72 times on this thread... though not in the last day or two.

I find the number of people who say "LTB" is very surprising.

I always find it surprising that anyone stays with someone like the “DH” and that people think you can fix it/they can change/ blah blah blah. 99% of the time it ends in disaster.

Hope OP is okay and busy getting her ducks in a row

I would love OP to come back and say she is okay or not okay

So would I, but I suspect she did not get the answer she wanted and left

Hi all,
I didn’t leave due to not liking what I was hearing advice wise.
it was just all a bit overwhelming when my heart and world was already broken.
I appreciate all the comments.

I did search through his phone, emails, WhatsApp’s, went into his Apple Store typed in various apps to see if they had ever been downloaded, I literally sat with his phone for 4 hours. But there was nothing sinister I could find.

I wouldn’t say I’m fine, I’m trying to focus on me though,
ive had 2 counselling sessions with the most amazing lady and she’s helping me process this betrayal.

as for him, he’s at his mums.

his wages are being paid to my account for the time being and I’m literally transferring him back £20 a week to spend.

he has taken on a second job and pays the wage to his debt and sends me a screenshot of the transaction when done.

he has been in touch with a debt management company who will hopefully help him with freezing some of the interest.

He has been at his mums 12 days now and I do miss him. I still love him, I can’t just switch that off.
we haven’t split as such. he pops in after work to see our grand daughter, son and dogs, then leaves to go to his mums.
This was my decision as I needed some me time to think.

ive been in contact with his mum to see if she has noticed anything but he’s not even going anywhere, and with £20 a week I don’t even think you can buy Coke for that amount. Hence why I decided £20.

which is making me think, addiction?? Couldn’t have been if he was able to just stop it.

this isn’t an excuse for him. It just makes it easier for me to deal with knowing he’s not a full on addict.
his brother is an alcoholic, that’s horrific enough to watch.

to the person who said coke generally means MH issues, I believe you are right,
he has also been to his own counsellor so if he has underlying problems hopefully he addresses them.

as for our marriage, I don’t need to decide anything on that right now.
as long as I know I’m in control financially for now. And getting myself the help I need.
I will focus on that first.

I will be fine, feel a lot better than I did couple weeks ago

Great to hear from you. You are taking steps in the right direction by controlling his finances. It is also good his Mother is aware of the issues and hopefully you will get debt cleared ASAP.

@C22Lovely to hear from you!! It sounds like you are doing all the right things for you which is great news!!! I’m glad that you’re feeling better in yourself. That’s because you’ve taken control of the situation and been proactive. And the sessions with the counsellor must be really helpful. I’m sorry that you’re in this situation but you will come out the other side and be much better for it. As for your OH, only you know whether the relationship can be salvaged. Take it a step at a time is my advice as well as putting yourself first in all this. You didn’t ask for all of this and you need to protect yourself. Wishing you all the best and keep in touch. 💕💕💕

It sounds like you’re handling this so so well. Definitely the right approach to concentrate on yourself for now. Like you said no decisions need to be made now.

Looks like he's spending his money, then spending the £400 per month you give him to pay the debt down to treat himself. Not talking to you for the best part of a year and to carry on every month taking your money and not using it to pay the original debt off is just astounding in duplicity. You are clearly responsible with your money and he is reckless, at your expense. Cutting the cards up wouldn't be enough for me. He'd have broken my trust, month was after month, and I'd want an end to the relationship. I'd feel sick with worry because I'm very careful with my money and if I put something on my credit card it's generally an emergency item and I pay it off very quickly. I just couldn't live with a person who was reckless with debt. Just as I couldn't live with a smoker or an alcoholic. The problem is he's got accustomed to depending not only on his money but £400 of your money every month and more, as his debt has increased onto a third card. If your earnings are the same then by default he must be spending £400 of his own money, £400 of your money and more. Do you really think he will go back to spending less than £100 each month? If no, he can't or won't I'd be leaving. You don't deserve this and now you will both have a shot Xmas because you won't want to spend anything to compensate for his excessive depending. Cut his cards up I'd feel like cutting his balls off. You must be a saint if you don't LTB.

Oh God, so he's been actively lying to you too. I think if my DH did something like this he'd know not to come home.