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Original poster

husbands debt is crippling!

411 replies

C22 · 01/11/2023 11:06

I need to vent I hope you don’t mind 😭

I found out yesterday my husband has got us into a good bit of debt without me knowing about it. I say us, it’s in his name but as we are married it’s always been split no matter what debt it is.

Background.

He had a credit card at the beginning of the year, paying interest on it which was getting him nowhere as he was only paying the minimum monthly.

I spoke to him about trying to get a balance transfer card meaning he would have x amount of months free from interest to try and clear it quicker.

He did the balance transfer but was only allowed to transfer 3/4 of the amount he owed on the interest 1.

At the time I told him, pay more to the 1 with interest and minimum to the non interest 1.

Turns out 10 months later after I asked him how he was getting on with the cards he said he was struggling really bad with it,

I was confused as at the time we figured out we could afford to give him 400 a month towards the cards, more than enough!

I only asked him how he was getting on as things are tight just now and was hoping we could free up some of that 400.

Well…
the interest accruing 1 I has an extra 2k on it from what it was 10 months ago!

The non interest has barely moved due to minimum payments.

And he has another card now with £5500 owing on it!

3 cards with £13.5k in total.

I am beyond gutted and really disappointed to the point I can’t even look at him.

As mentioned above we have always always split monthly outgoings 50/50. Then just half what’s left for spending on whatever. but as it stands just now there's hardly anything left after paying everything and these dam cards!

I want to support him but financially his card debts are crippling!

I could cry I feel so stressed and angry

OP posts:
Hitchens · 01/11/2023 11:58

C22 · 01/11/2023 11:06

I need to vent I hope you don’t mind 😭

I found out yesterday my husband has got us into a good bit of debt without me knowing about it. I say us, it’s in his name but as we are married it’s always been split no matter what debt it is.

Background.

He had a credit card at the beginning of the year, paying interest on it which was getting him nowhere as he was only paying the minimum monthly.

I spoke to him about trying to get a balance transfer card meaning he would have x amount of months free from interest to try and clear it quicker.

He did the balance transfer but was only allowed to transfer 3/4 of the amount he owed on the interest 1.

At the time I told him, pay more to the 1 with interest and minimum to the non interest 1.

Turns out 10 months later after I asked him how he was getting on with the cards he said he was struggling really bad with it,

I was confused as at the time we figured out we could afford to give him 400 a month towards the cards, more than enough!

I only asked him how he was getting on as things are tight just now and was hoping we could free up some of that 400.

Well…
the interest accruing 1 I has an extra 2k on it from what it was 10 months ago!

The non interest has barely moved due to minimum payments.

And he has another card now with £5500 owing on it!

3 cards with £13.5k in total.

I am beyond gutted and really disappointed to the point I can’t even look at him.

As mentioned above we have always always split monthly outgoings 50/50. Then just half what’s left for spending on whatever. but as it stands just now there's hardly anything left after paying everything and these dam cards!

I want to support him but financially his card debts are crippling!

I could cry I feel so stressed and angry

How has he managed to not pay off any of the debt and also build up another £5.5k? Its not like its a small amount, what has he spent it on.

Sounds like an irresponsible man child to me. Don't let him drag you down, it's his debt not yours. If he can't resolve this and fix his behaviour Id question how you see this impacting your relationship going forwards.

gamerchick · 01/11/2023 12:01

I think what you need to find out is where the money has gone OP. It might help you decide on what to do next.

The cards need cutting up today though.

Scalottia · 01/11/2023 12:04

@Hitchens good lord no need to quote the very long OP!

OP I sympathise, my ex had huge credit card debt (note I say ex)...very frustrating.

I haven't much advice for you but really he needs to start sorting this ASAP. This is not fair on you at all.

BarbaraofSeville · 01/11/2023 12:06

Is this overspending on non essentials or is it filling a gap between income and expenditure for essentials?

You need to systematically look through the whole picture then do what needs to happen based on your situation, whether it is a matter of prioritising and cutting spending, or a more formal solution.

Free debt advice: what to do & where to get help - MSE (moneysavingexpert.com)

If he's overspending on personal non essentials, does he have anything he can sell to pay towards his debts?

Ukholidaysaregreat · 01/11/2023 12:07

The debt has gone up even though you have been giving him money to help pay them off. This is very worrying. What is he spending the money on. People who spend like this often struggle to change and you could spend your life sorting out his financial mess ups.

Coshofliving · 01/11/2023 12:07

I think you need to ask him what he's spent £13.5k on. If it's anything other than an unexpected emergency I'd be considering whether or not to stay with him at all.

Planesplanesplanes · 01/11/2023 12:08

Is it just interest or is he spending more money on the cards?

He need help. Christians against poverty help people to plan their money. Or he can contact step change.

Iheartpizza · 01/11/2023 12:14

You shouldn't be paying 50/50 when this debt is nothing to do with you. Doesn't matter that you're married, HE should be taking responsibility for the debt!

youngones1 · 01/11/2023 12:15

Unfortunately some people just can't stop themselves from taking on debt, even if you sort out the current mess, don't think that will be the end of it, it is likely to happen again. I would LTB.

Mumsgirls · 01/11/2023 12:21

Sorry that’s wrong, debt would have reduced a bit if paying minimum not increased by 2k in ten months , ridiculous, he is lying. Either missed payments or spent again, or took cash out.
don’t believe his nonsense

confusedlots · 01/11/2023 12:37

I'd be wanting to find out what the money has been spent on first of all. Could he be gambling? And getting further into trouble in the hope that he can make money to pay off the worsening debts? Presumably he hasn't just spent it on a new car or something, cause then it would be obvious where the money had gone

Original poster
C22 · 01/11/2023 12:37

i have no idea what he has spent on other than not long ago his car was in the garage for a repair, i presumed he had actual money to pay this but looking likely he has used the card. looks like in general he has been using it for everyday spends.

the 400 he had every month i can only imagine he was paying minimum and keeping the rest to top up his spends (selfish if he has) but as you say, how can the balances not be going down with 400 a month towards them!

He keeps calling me/texting me, knows im not 1 bit happy with him and he's acting like nothing has happened here, whereas me, im sitting worried sick at how the hell this is going to be sorted and the fact we will literally sit skint for the next 3 years.

the cards will be cut up in front of him tonight for sure! i didnt see him last night as he was working but as soon as he lands home tonight im cutting them up.

OP posts:
TheFlis · 01/11/2023 12:40

You need to demand to see the statements for all of the cards so you can see where the money has gone.

confusedlots · 01/11/2023 12:41

I don't believe it's all been spent on every day spending. Fair enough he could have spent a few thousand on car repairs but what about the rest? There's no way he's spent that much on coffees and a few meals out. And if you haven't seen him wearing new clothes, suddenly buying fancy toiletries or making purchases for the house, then I think he needs to come clean with you.

Original poster
C22 · 01/11/2023 12:43

i am asking to see his statements as soon as he is home,
i cant let this go without knowing what he's spent it on.

OP posts:
AnotherCrazyCatLady · 01/11/2023 12:45

This reminds me of my mum and her former partner.

She has always been a planner, got money saved for a rainy day, always pays her credit card in full before the due date. He had no savings or financial sense. He made good money, but was profligate. Not on status goods, but to illustrate, he had an account at the newsagents and wouldn't think twice about collecting a couple of papers and a magazine on each visit - so hundreds of dollars a month. Had a car and a laptop on lease, on terrible terms. His one asset was a boat, which as anyone knows is basically a floating money pit.

He carried credit card debt too, and my mum would spend hours arranging his finances, paying bits off here and there, monitoring his spending and trying to bring it down - then the boat would need a such-and-such, and the $5,000 she'd manage to pay of his credit card would be back, with reinforcements.

This turned out to be a real problem for my mum's relationship, as she was chronically stressed about his finances. She couldn't get any emotional distance. She didn't have fear ending up destitute (as she owned her own home, was financially secure etc), but she felt responsible for him. But - and this is despite being an intelligent and highly talented man - it was clear that he had a very different attitude to money. One of his favourite sayings was, 'there are no pockets in a shroud'. He simply didn't place a value on getting on top of things.

There is not much point to this, other than to say that I can understand why you are so upset, OP. Money issues can be so toxic for relationships, as money represents a lot (security, freedom etc). So rant away, I am not surprised you're so upset. And I hope you can get some insight into what he's doing, especially if he has issues with gambling or compulsive spending.

kokotheguerilla · 01/11/2023 12:45

C22 · 01/11/2023 12:43

i am asking to see his statements as soon as he is home,
i cant let this go without knowing what he's spent it on.

I think this is sensible. You need to get to the bottom of the spending.

Wrinkleflint · 01/11/2023 12:47

Is this overspending on non essentials or is it filling a gap between income and expenditure for essentials?

Exactly this.
What has he spent the money on? That's key.

femfemlicious · 01/11/2023 12:47

What on earth is he using the Money for 😳

Original poster
C22 · 01/11/2023 12:48

he's not going to be wanting to come home fom work tonight.

dont even care if i sound like im nagging. feel i have the right to nag till my mouth runs dry!

just hope he has answers

OP posts:
LaurieStrode · 01/11/2023 12:50

Sounds like gambling.

Insist that he get a second job to pay this down. Don't throw your wages down this hole.

Secret debting is a dealbreaker for me.

Original poster
C22 · 01/11/2023 12:51

ive honestly never known him to show any interest in gambling,
doesnt do lottery, doesnt talk about horses or football coupons etc but i suppose, this is what they do, hide it!

im hoping he steps up tonight and shows me exactly where its all been going cause to double the amount in 10 months is wow!

OP posts:
Dreemhouse · 01/11/2023 12:52

I’d think gambling too.

GreenClock · 01/11/2023 12:52

With my ex husband it was an urge to keep up with higher earning mates. So, nights out, golf trips to Portugal and Wales, stag weekend in Budapest. None of which was affordable on his modest salary. He also wanted to do performative stuff to the house like buying and laying wooden decking himself, when the downstairs bathroom was leaking and should have been the financial priority. So, it was all about showing off.

You need to see statements and ascertain whether the problem is something like this, or something like gambling. You’ll know what you’re dealing with then.

Patchworksack · 01/11/2023 12:52

You’ve let him have £4K from the family pot to reduce his personal debt (which should have made a big dent in the original £6k owed) and instead it’s increased to £13.5k (plus the £4K which obviously didn’t go to repayments) I think you are entitled to nag 😱

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