Settling the bill after holiday with a friend...

[KathyLoves]

So, my friend and I planned a once in a lifetime kid-free trip to Mexico. Finally, we got to go in September however I was signed off on stress leave from work the month before and I was very clear that I needed a break. It turned into a disaster, despite her being older and (I thought) more responsibile than me, (she's a very very senior civil servant and is often on the news for her job), she was a nightmare and the trip felt like I was her personal assistant not her friend.

Basically, she was inconsiderate throughout and showed no common sense.

She didn't have a working credit or debit card (forgot her pin number for the credit card, debit card doesn't work overseas) for the trip so expected me to pay for everything and said she'd pay me back.

I'm so stressed because she owes me a lot of money and we're not on the best terms because she made the trip so miserable for me and I told her I needed some space to de-stress as it wasn't the trip I was expecting.

More details-
This went on for the week we were away... she wanted to buy duty free ciggies and split them (but changed her mind after I bought them), she was sending me to pay for diet cokes on the beach (when I was drinking my own bottled water), she wanted to go on expensive day trips and the whole thing was incredibly stressful as she also couldn't organise anything herself (even her excess luggage on the way back she couldn't get sorted so I had to pay it at the airport for her... £130!!!!).

Anyway, when we came back I said I'd plug the expenses in to our cost share app when I had the chance (frankly, I was already stressed enough after the expensive holiday from hell and the idea of going through all of the receipts wasn't a priority). I paid the huge credit card bill out of my savings (which are now down to £300) and finally put the expense list together today... she owes me £1500. I was shocked (but it makes me feel better about that huge bill). This doesn't include the stuff I paid for her in cash (like tips, taxis, some drinks), the cigarettes she changed her mind about (fine, I'll keep them even though I don't need them) or little things like buying the odd coffee for her or snack.

She'll have a notification from the app to say I've added the expenses but I'm dreading her messaging me about. (Why do I even feel bad when she's the one who owes me money!?) I'm worried she'll quibble over things like foreign exchange fees or credit card fees (the first time she disrupted me on the beach to pay her bar bill she said 'I'll make a note that I owe you £2.50 for the diet coke!' and I said I'll be charged more on my card because of fees and it doesn't seem fair that I'm paying the difference... she pouted and just said again 'it says £2.50 on the menu')

Also she had two cards... Debit card (never worked once except to get cash) and credit card. Don't really understand how she ever travels on her own if she ended up in this situation.

Really great way of putting it. 😬

I'm in my early 50s and have no issues working credit cards abroad or bill sharing apps.

We have a friend in one of my travelling groups, she is lovely but does this whole ditzy gosh how on earth can I book a <clearly agreed > flight and hotel and tries to get others to do it for her, then usually pays back at the last minute. I just subtly don't get involved in doing it any more. I'd be a bit embarrassed not to know how to do these things or let an alleged friend who earns significantly less than me, carry the can for upfront payments.

This is really outing unless you've changed details OP.

There aren't that many senior civil servants who would have been allowed to even think about taking annual leave in September given the conservatives were imploding.

This ditzy thing is EXACTLY like her! I think it's real but she sort of plays cute about it like (in hindsight) she's used to having people rescue her like 'Oh silly, pretty me, how does this work? Oh dear, this is so complicated isn't it?' But the only things I didn't do for her were a total disaster. She's not a stupid woman but it's so weird and she'll tell anyone who'll listen how independent she is and how she has to take care of her mother who just can't cope with anything 🙄 (starting to wonder where the truth lies in that...)

With your friend what happens? Is there always someone who just does it for her? Does she ever do it herself?

No excuse. I'm 51 and me and most of my friends can do online banking efficiently. My DM and her friends manage it too and they're in their early 80s!

I used to be ditzy in other ways but never ditzy in these ways.

She sounds exactly like my ex-flatmate who was a complete nightmare, allowing the old flatmate to pay and set up utility bills and council tax, but then ended up we were in arrears for council tax (historic, before I moved in) and I ended up going to the local council offices with her to sort it out which I wasn't happy with, She must've managed to do her online banking etc and she did online shopping before lots of others did it! I think some people play the ditzy card to get out of adulting and it's really bloody annoying!

I still don’t understand why you thought there would be an issue with her paying you back. She’d always paid you back before so absolutely nothing to suggest she wouldn’t.

I think everyone was meant to be far more interested in who this woman is, as why was her job relevant?

I kept reading as I was thinking I must be missing something. I wasn’t. Yes, she doesn’t sound like someone that would be relaxing to have a holiday with, but then staying at 3 different hotels in just a week was never going to be a relaxing holiday. And when people question the friendship, you defend her and say how much she’s done for you. Just a weird thread really. Attention seeker maybe.

include a fair estimate of 50% of the stuff you paid cash for as well! I think you’re worrying unnecessarily at this stage. You have no reason to think she won’t pay you back.

If she has made no effort to pay anything back after a month, then you're going to have to get tough. She could have easily transferred a few hundred till the numbers were sorted.

Text her the amount, and a date you need it by. And add if the date passes, then its onto the small claims court. She's taking the piss. I couldn't live with myself knowing I owe someone money, I'd want to pay it ASAP.

@KathyLoves for our last trip she booked for herself in the end, but there were a few messages about when are we going < check upthread on the chat> and what's the name of the hotel again as I can't find my booking email <again scroll up on the chat>.

But I think she's getting better and I suspect my tolerance for this sort of thing has reduced as I move towards menopause. I used to book everything myself and people settled up after, but I've stopped doing that because of covid making issues around travel refunds and I realised I was leaving myself open to lose money and friendships. So much easier for me to just do my own.

Get on judge rinder, he will sort it out.

It was obvious from the start she would have no issues repaying you. If you had asked her before 1 month there wouldn’t be a drama

No friend worth having, irrespective of her own circumstances would take advantage of you on holiday & have you hanging waiting for payment.

Put in a brief direct request for payment, include your bank details & a reasonable date by which you expect to see payment in your account.

Include enough data for her to confirm the sum given. If she did not pay up at the time or keep records each day, then she has only your records to go by.

If she doesn’t cough up, prepare to make a claim.

From experience, good friends make a record of a debt/loan which is counter-signed. Because a friendship is more precious than avoiding a bit of formal admin & clear communication.

@KathyLoves don’t be hard on yourself that you didn’t chase her the moment you landed, you have been unwell with stress & not up to being brisk.

Now is the time for bills to be settled.

You were signed off for stress and this is what you got up to?

This is totally missing the point, but she sounds completely thick and immature - so how on earth is she allowed to make important decisions as a 'very senior civil servant'?!

As others have said, just be clear and firm. Get the money you're owed.

For recent posters,do feel free to read the OPs updates- the money has been paid.

If she’s a senior civil servant and always in the news then why not put on your best compo face and sell your story to a newspaper. Make your money back that way. Or just threaten to do so, then she might pay up. Or maybe I’m just evil 😂

I'm 67 and have been doing online banking for years now - like most people have to do.

I'm so glad you got your money back and its all been sorted. I've read most of this thread and all of your updates OP.
I saw that a pp suggested that you get some help with assertiveness and that you were offended by this. I understand what you are saying about giving people the benefit of the doubt.
However, you already suffer from anxiety and I say this kindly that the aftermath of being on a trip with someone who treated you like their assistant, made you pay far more than you could afford and use up nearly all of your savings, and then complained that you didn't give her enough attention and even made you bring her back breakfast when you were unwell with a fever - that this has been a very difficult experience for you, despite the successful resolution ( and well done for achieving that!)
I know that she has paid you now and that it took you some time ( as it would anyone to calculate all the random costs from a holiday, particularly when you were unwell. But from the way you describe it, you seem to take a lot of guilt on yourself when you shouldn't be feeling guilty at all. E.g. worrying about taking a month to bill her. Worrying about billing her when she was away for the weekend. You were dealing with a very selfish and thoughtless person, who has I suspect often made you feel like you were in the wrong. Hopefully writing out all the incidents which caused you such stress and sharing it will help you see that the accumulated actions by the Friend were very wrong indeed.
So maybe it isn't a bad idea to look into this and talk to someone who can make you feel better about defending yourself before situations go too far, as for many people this doesn't come naturally, and help you to put yourself first more often and that is not a bad thing. It's not being less of a friend. Self-care is important and you deserve to practice self-care - any friend worth their salt would understand that.

Thank you for this. It's kind and thoughtful and you're right. I have my own issues to work on. It has been good to write this out and realise a lot of the stress i created myself. I'll re-read and again, really appreciate the kind reply and your effort on that.

The holiday was booked long before I was signed off on stress leave (and it's still come out of holiday allowance). I seriously considered canceling or not going on the trip but I wouldn't have gotten any of the money back and I booked both sets of flights (she settled that bill immediately) so I would have ended up having to deal with that mess too. (I think she wouldn't have gone on her own and then she might have asked me to pay her back for her flights too because she'd be out so much more money if we weren't sharing. It would have been a mess. It made me sick the idea of throwing away that kind of money even just on my own expenses. I did tell her after the first tantrum she threw that I was on the verge of not coming and I can 'barely cope with my own feelings right now let alone hers' when she started on how she was tired and whatever else. It also wasn't the trip she expected but at least I can take care of myself 😑... I'm still not sure if I made the right decision to go... I didn't lose the money I'd already spent and I have some nice memories and nice photos but mostly I just think of how awful it all was.)

How did you manage to post this 5 hours after OP reported that she had been repaid?

And what’s the problem with that? You know what’s a good cure for stress… a holiday!

Agree with most here, she CAN afford it ,tell her straight how much she owes, give clear instructions on how to pay and by which date and then run for the hills,she’s NOT a friend she’s treated you like s..t ,avoid in future .
and I agree if nothing forth coming go through small claims court as she will have to pay any costs.