Settling the bill after holiday with a friend...

[KathyLoves]

So, my friend and I planned a once in a lifetime kid-free trip to Mexico. Finally, we got to go in September however I was signed off on stress leave from work the month before and I was very clear that I needed a break. It turned into a disaster, despite her being older and (I thought) more responsibile than me, (she's a very very senior civil servant and is often on the news for her job), she was a nightmare and the trip felt like I was her personal assistant not her friend.

Basically, she was inconsiderate throughout and showed no common sense.

She didn't have a working credit or debit card (forgot her pin number for the credit card, debit card doesn't work overseas) for the trip so expected me to pay for everything and said she'd pay me back.

I'm so stressed because she owes me a lot of money and we're not on the best terms because she made the trip so miserable for me and I told her I needed some space to de-stress as it wasn't the trip I was expecting.

More details-
This went on for the week we were away... she wanted to buy duty free ciggies and split them (but changed her mind after I bought them), she was sending me to pay for diet cokes on the beach (when I was drinking my own bottled water), she wanted to go on expensive day trips and the whole thing was incredibly stressful as she also couldn't organise anything herself (even her excess luggage on the way back she couldn't get sorted so I had to pay it at the airport for her... £130!!!!).

Anyway, when we came back I said I'd plug the expenses in to our cost share app when I had the chance (frankly, I was already stressed enough after the expensive holiday from hell and the idea of going through all of the receipts wasn't a priority). I paid the huge credit card bill out of my savings (which are now down to £300) and finally put the expense list together today... she owes me £1500. I was shocked (but it makes me feel better about that huge bill). This doesn't include the stuff I paid for her in cash (like tips, taxis, some drinks), the cigarettes she changed her mind about (fine, I'll keep them even though I don't need them) or little things like buying the odd coffee for her or snack.

She'll have a notification from the app to say I've added the expenses but I'm dreading her messaging me about. (Why do I even feel bad when she's the one who owes me money!?) I'm worried she'll quibble over things like foreign exchange fees or credit card fees (the first time she disrupted me on the beach to pay her bar bill she said 'I'll make a note that I owe you £2.50 for the diet coke!' and I said I'll be charged more on my card because of fees and it doesn't seem fair that I'm paying the difference... she pouted and just said again 'it says £2.50 on the menu')

More fool You 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP, do yourself a massive life favour and look at counselling and assertiveness coaching.

She showed you on several trips that she is a CF but you repeatedly went back for more.

You are an abusive relationship waiting to happen.

She has fxxked you over many times with her financially messing you around...yet you go back for a trip to Mexico 🙄.

If you don't want to be messed around, used, and made a total fool of, how about you take responsibility for your choices.

She has used you on multiple occasions yet you go back for more.

You are very very foolish.

This woman using you is the least of your worries.

You have TARGET written across your forehead.

Abusive men seek out women like you without boundaries ripe for exploitation.

Your life will be a clusterfxxk if YOU don't cop yourself on.

Good luck.

Not sure where the confusion is... This is the second and last trip I'll go on with her. She paid me back last time with no drama even if she was a nightmare to be with on the trip itself.

She crossed a line this time and we're done. Multiple times? Used me? It's two trips and this woman has actually done a lot for me as a friend (not relevant to this situation). I give people the benefit of the doubt but this isn't some random stranger who has screwed me around for years. You can be trusting without being an idiot and I'd rather make the odd mistake because I give a friend the benefit of the doubt than be cynical about the world.

You've read a lot into this. Sorry you've been burned by life but it must be lonely thinking everyone is out to screw you. There's a big difference between a CF and an abuser. My friend is entitled and ignorant and has definitely taken the piss but she's not a bad person just a selfish one.

You know what, I'll take your advice and be more assertive: youre being a CF and I imagine your life is a bit of a clusters**k if you're so quick to judge everyone else and dole out advice based on misreading my previous posts and making random assumptions there's no evidence of.

My mate earned my loyalty but it's not bottomless and I'm not a doormat even if my boundaries aren't the same as what yours might be. You are a CF on the internet who decides to insult and judge. I bet you're a real great mate to have...
🤔

Fair play to you @KathyLoves

What bank gives debit cards that acnt be used abroad? They're mostly visa and usually you don't even need to give your bank notice that you are going abroad. And even if that were true, there was nothing to stop her logging in to online banking every day and transferring costs. Unfortunately the OP has allowed herself to be treated like dirt.

Curious about the female very senior scs who is regularly in the news as I can only think of a couple (most try to avoid press!)

Like most people I have never come anywhere near ever being stung for money by friends. Ever.

Channel that annoyance into protecting yourself going forward.

You should be very annoyed with yourself and her for putting yourself in this position.

Learning from it is the key thing.

Having subbed her to this amount you now are having to chase her.

This is really poor behaviour but she has form for this.

She has showed you before that she has form for this.

Decent people do not behave like this.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk if you have time, it will help you protect yourself from people like this.

No one needs friends like her in their life, they bring nothing but upset and annoyance.

No bank does- Visa or MasterCard.

Any joy

I’d say someone somewhere along the line is either mistaken or being misled about her job. There aren’t that many women at the level of seniority you describe in the civil service and the ones that are are not going on holiday with a friend, doing them out of money, buying loads of fags, being rude to taxi drivers and taking a telling off from their mother. I sincerely doubt any of them had much time for getting closer to their girlfriends in lockdown either.

I agree

there was a lady posting about the queens death and said her son was in a very senior position in the home office. Turns out he was mid twenties and therefore unlikely to be above staff officer or grade 7.

people assume their friends or family are running government departments when in reality they are mid level bog standard employees. Nothing wrong with that of course, but people are prone to exaggerate their importance.

i also doubt this lady is as senior as OP thinks she is. But being in the news regularly did puzzle me - civil servants don’t tend to get much press coverage.

I've read this entire thread and what stands out for me is you said her debit card didn't work - yet you both managed to withdraw cash while you were there ?? How does that work ?

Exactly what i asked but op hasnt answered that yet

Maybe the card was blocked after being used to withdraw cash abroad, possibly a fraud algorithm type thing.

@NumberTheory This is an excellent way of looking at it all, an excellent post.

I thought the op said they both withdrew cash on OPs card. OP withdrew cash and the CF withdrew the same amount but in OPs card?

As always @billy1966 talks complete sense.

There are nearly 200 posts on he thread, might you use the quote function so we can see what these pearls of wisdom are

Sounds unlikely but this has happened to me before. Travelled with credit cards as it's a cheaper way to spend money abroad, both of them stopped working (probably anti-fraud check), we had a real hassle getting them unblocked and had to borrow from friends who had no issues.

Exactly.

The friend also had dinner and paid for it in her card, while the poor OP went hungry.

Update:
She started updating the expense sharing app this morning and added in almost all the transactions I'd missed off (she owed me for things I'd actually forgotten about). She didn't quibble the fees either. (No mention of ciggies but as someone else said I'm sure I can sell them.) She text a little while after and asked for my bank account details and already transferred everything she owes. Said thanks for sorting it out at the time. She's not very technical so was keeping notes and I guess was just very relaxed about paying it all back.

Honestly, I'm shocked she was so relaxed about paying it all back. I guess it wasn't a big deal to her and she was just waiting on me to send the request. I do feel better about the situation now but it was still the holiday from hell for me so I guess there's still a big lesson learnt.

The comments on debit card: we were staying remotely most of the time (no easy access to ATMs) so only used one once. Both of us had issues with our cards (in hindsight mostly it seems due to bad internet or dodgy machines and then having to ring through transactions multiple times) and because of the time difference it wasn't always easy to call and find out what was happening. (She struggled to work her online banking it seems and for me no issues showed in my online banking.)

The comments on her job: the only way to prove the point would be if I named and shamed which I'm not gonna do. Civil servant isn't really the right term for her role (so yeah, you're right she's not one) but it was the closest appropriate title that seemed to make the point when I was writing the original post (it's more civil service adjacent job so I'm sure you can work out that there's only a few options and many are often in the news and known by face even if their names are less well known (I also didn't want to write what she actually does because then it would be immediately obvious who it is because there are so few options and it would be google-able).

Good she's paid you but up to you if you keep up this friendship and let her off her behaviour.

Personally, I think she needs to get her arse in gear re internet banking, going on holidays and ensuring she has money/ways to pay.

I would not be happy at all though with her entitled behaviour about other things and going off on one.

I'd appreciate she has a high powered job but not that she can't think/do things for herself.

Yes, but it's quite easy to get this sorted out, I've done similar from abroad. Also have changed a PIN number on online banking from abroad.

It's not like Mexico is deepest darkest Amazon with zero wifi...

Total bollocks re online banking not working! Mine has always worked wherever/whenever I wanted it to. If I had issues I just logged a call or contacted them some way.

Anyone else wondering which female MP has recently returned from Mexico? 🤔