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Original poster

Settling the bill after holiday with a friend...

274 replies

KathyLoves · 21/10/2022 13:30

So, my friend and I planned a once in a lifetime kid-free trip to Mexico. Finally, we got to go in September however I was signed off on stress leave from work the month before and I was very clear that I needed a break. It turned into a disaster, despite her being older and (I thought) more responsibile than me, (she's a very very senior civil servant and is often on the news for her job), she was a nightmare and the trip felt like I was her personal assistant not her friend.

Basically, she was inconsiderate throughout and showed no common sense.

She didn't have a working credit or debit card (forgot her pin number for the credit card, debit card doesn't work overseas) for the trip so expected me to pay for everything and said she'd pay me back.

I'm so stressed because she owes me a lot of money and we're not on the best terms because she made the trip so miserable for me and I told her I needed some space to de-stress as it wasn't the trip I was expecting.

More details-
This went on for the week we were away... she wanted to buy duty free ciggies and split them (but changed her mind after I bought them), she was sending me to pay for diet cokes on the beach (when I was drinking my own bottled water), she wanted to go on expensive day trips and the whole thing was incredibly stressful as she also couldn't organise anything herself (even her excess luggage on the way back she couldn't get sorted so I had to pay it at the airport for her... £130!!!!).

Anyway, when we came back I said I'd plug the expenses in to our cost share app when I had the chance (frankly, I was already stressed enough after the expensive holiday from hell and the idea of going through all of the receipts wasn't a priority). I paid the huge credit card bill out of my savings (which are now down to £300) and finally put the expense list together today... she owes me £1500. I was shocked (but it makes me feel better about that huge bill). This doesn't include the stuff I paid for her in cash (like tips, taxis, some drinks), the cigarettes she changed her mind about (fine, I'll keep them even though I don't need them) or little things like buying the odd coffee for her or snack.

She'll have a notification from the app to say I've added the expenses but I'm dreading her messaging me about. (Why do I even feel bad when she's the one who owes me money!?) I'm worried she'll quibble over things like foreign exchange fees or credit card fees (the first time she disrupted me on the beach to pay her bar bill she said 'I'll make a note that I owe you £2.50 for the diet coke!' and I said I'll be charged more on my card because of fees and it doesn't seem fair that I'm paying the difference... she pouted and just said again 'it says £2.50 on the menu')

OP posts:
Stripedbag101 · 21/10/2022 19:08

Willbe2under2 · 21/10/2022 18:24

Senior civil servants are deputy director and above so there are probably hundreds. You are right though in that not many (of either sex) are in the news. I can only think of 2 female SCS I've heard mentioned recently.

Show quote history

OP said very very senior civil servant. I would take this to be DG or perm sec. The top rungs of the SCS.

If this lady truly is a very very senior civil servant then she isn’t a grade 5 / DD level SCS. And there is only a handful of these.

Caroffee · 21/10/2022 19:13

You've said that you can out her through social media/the media. This is exactly what you should do if she refuses to pay you back. Civil Services are bound by a code of ethics which includes integrity.

You should also tally up all the cash bits and charge her for those.

I just don't believe that she could/would forget to pay working payment cards with her. I think she sounds like an incredibly entitled person who is used to getting her own way and who decided that you would be paying for her holiday.

1dontunderstand · 21/10/2022 19:14

Who doesn’t have internet banking these days?
she could easily have gone online and transferred the cash to you as you went along.
has she contacted you to ask how much she owes?

StupidSmallFruit · 21/10/2022 19:18

The dramatisation on this thread…..

The OP is psyching herself up, just to send the text asking the CF for her money…!

She is not going to ‘out’ someone on social media, no matter how much some on this thread may whip themselves into a frenzy.

PuppyMonkey · 21/10/2022 19:34

So, so - would I have heard of her..?

SydneySage · 21/10/2022 21:16

Stripedbag101 · 21/10/2022 18:03

OP this is very identifying - I think I know who you are talking about and I am sure a fair few people have figured it out.

if she is in the news there aren’t many very senior female civil servants. I think you should take this down

How in hells name is this identifying??

Stripedbag101 · 21/10/2022 21:29

SydneySage · 21/10/2022 21:16

How in hells name is this identifying??

Show quote history

A very very senior civil servant who is female who is in the news regularly who has just gone to Mexico on holiday.

there Are probably less than ten very very senior female civil servants and less than five who are in the news regularly. Not hard to figure out how many have been to Mexico recently?

how do you think it isn’t identifying?

Metabigot · 21/10/2022 21:32

Well if it is identifying everyone will know she's a tight shit, won't they.

SydneySage · 21/10/2022 21:51

Stripedbag101 · 21/10/2022 21:29

A very very senior civil servant who is female who is in the news regularly who has just gone to Mexico on holiday.

there Are probably less than ten very very senior female civil servants and less than five who are in the news regularly. Not hard to figure out how many have been to Mexico recently?

how do you think it isn’t identifying?

Show quote history

I have no idea who a senior civil servant is, and much less who was on holiday in Mexico

Was the one you were suggesting on holiday with a friend, or her family though? I'm not being obtuse, and if you want to pm a name, I'm open to listening

StupidSmallFruit · 21/10/2022 21:53

SydneySage · 21/10/2022 21:51

I have no idea who a senior civil servant is, and much less who was on holiday in Mexico

Was the one you were suggesting on holiday with a friend, or her family though? I'm not being obtuse, and if you want to pm a name, I'm open to listening

Show quote history

You have no idea.

But plenty of other people will?

I’m sure nobody is going to PM a name.

America12 · 21/10/2022 21:54

PuppyMonkey · 21/10/2022 19:34

So, so - would I have heard of her..?

I'm scratching my head ? How do people know who it is ??

Stripedbag101 · 21/10/2022 21:56

SydneySage · 21/10/2022 21:51

I have no idea who a senior civil servant is, and much less who was on holiday in Mexico

Was the one you were suggesting on holiday with a friend, or her family though? I'm not being obtuse, and if you want to pm a name, I'm open to listening

Show quote history

I suspect you are being deliverately obtuse😊.

my point in saying this is identifying is that a lot of people could easily figure out who this is. You might not know the names of the handful of top female civil servants but a lot of people who work in WH will. It’s not hard to narrow this down.

I probably reacted to how dismissive your message was about me - as if I was being completely ridiculous and this is no way identifying .

I think it’s not hard to figure this out for a lot of people either in WH or in the press.

jazzybelle · 21/10/2022 22:50

Is the issue with the high-flying civil servant solved yet then OP? That's if you've decided what the issue actually is yet. If she owes you money, tot up the bill, let her know how much, give her chance to pay and when that's done, forget about it.

If she doesn't pay, then that's the time to get arsey.

Name99 · 21/10/2022 23:06

What's WH?

Stripedbag101 · 21/10/2022 23:07

Whitehall

Scrambledandfried · 21/10/2022 23:20

😩

ihatethecold · 22/10/2022 06:46

Who really gives a shit if it’s identifiable?
maybe don’t be a twat to your friends then!

SydneySage · 22/10/2022 07:31

Well the only minister I can see who has been in Mexico is that twat Boris

SydneySage · 22/10/2022 07:33

Stripedbag101 · 21/10/2022 21:56

I suspect you are being deliverately obtuse😊.

my point in saying this is identifying is that a lot of people could easily figure out who this is. You might not know the names of the handful of top female civil servants but a lot of people who work in WH will. It’s not hard to narrow this down.

I probably reacted to how dismissive your message was about me - as if I was being completely ridiculous and this is no way identifying .

I think it’s not hard to figure this out for a lot of people either in WH or in the press.

Show quote history

No I am not being deliberately obtuse, I literally have no clue who op is talking about

SydneySage · 22/10/2022 07:34

but a lot of people who work in WH will

And how many people who work in WH?

Tillsforthrills · 22/10/2022 07:41

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 21/10/2022 14:01

How did you happen to choose her as a travel companion in the first place?

Tell her if she doesn't pay up you'll contact the Daily Mail complete with photos and receipts.

They say you don’t really know someone unless you’ve travelled with them. Then you get a true flavour of how considerate, fair, generous (or not in this case) they are.

Really sorry that your week was ruined OP. This was the last thing you needed.

Original poster
KathyLoves · 22/10/2022 07:57

So, I texted her yesterday morning to say I'd be doing the holiday admin this weekend and would let her know. I added all the expenses into the app yesterday before I posted this (so I know she'll have gotten the notifications). No response but she's not a big texter and she is away with family this weekend.

I'm going to do one last check through my receipts and update the app accordingly and then I'll text her to confirm and ask her to add any of my expenses in.

For those asking why I wasn't sure if I owed her for a night in a hotel- we booked parts of the trip during Covid and things were cancelled, refunded and changed so I'm quite sure I owe her for one night (but not 100%) and there was one taxi she paid for too (cash on the way to the airport).

For those asking about all inclusive etc- we booked everything separately (hotels, meals, day trips) and stayed in three different places in the country so there were costs paid as hoc. She did offer to pay some things and 'try her card' but it almost never worked (e.g. even at the airport she took 45mins on her excess luggage to still need me to pay with my card because hers kept declining).

For those asking if this has ever happened before with her- she's a bit of a princess so when we go out I usually pay and send her a bank transfer link with the receipt afterwards. She always pays within a day. We were once away for a long weekend (I was her +1 on a work trip) and she owed me about £400 (hotel and other expenses, I can't even remember why it was so much). I sent her a bank transfer link and she also paid within a day or so (no reminders needed). In hindsight there were warning signs on that trip that we shouldn't go on a longer one but I talked to her about it at the time and she blamed work stress for her inconsiderate behaviour.

About her 'identity'- I'd be surprised if anyone worked it out (if you have, good for you though) but if she saw this post then she'd (I hope!) immediately recognise it as her although she doesn't tend to be good with self reflection so maybe not. Her behaviour has been focused on her doing nothing wrong and me not giving her the attention she wanted on the trip so honestly, if she found the thread and got the alternative perspective that she's acting like a CF then maybe it would be a good wake-up call for her.

For those who asked about her having cash and not using it- we both got cash out on day 3 of the trip. She asked how much I was taking out and she took the same amount out for her. My cash was enough to cover expenses in addition to my card, she ended up realising that the amount she took out was only enough for one day trip or a few dinners so that's why she wasn't spending it.

For all the comments on why didn't she transfer money at the time- she's not proactive. She never has been. If I'd have asked her to at the time I'm sure she would have but I was already stressed enough managing my own things and managing her tantrums when we were away and the idea of asking for money at that point would have added more stress because I'm sure she's good for it and it was spent on my credit card not my debit card... I was surprised at home much of a bill she racked up and that she didn't offer to contribute.

OP posts:
Original poster
KathyLoves · 22/10/2022 07:58

Tillsforthrills · 22/10/2022 07:41

They say you don’t really know someone unless you’ve travelled with them. Then you get a true flavour of how considerate, fair, generous (or not in this case) they are.

Really sorry that your week was ruined OP. This was the last thing you needed.

Show quote history

Thank you

OP posts:
rookiemere · 22/10/2022 08:04

@KathyLoves that's a bit of a drip feed that you've paid out £400 for her before and she has paid up within a day.

With that new piece of information, I think you will get your money back OP, it seems as if perhaps she is like the Royal Family and doesn't like dealing in money and wanted you to have the hassle of settling up bills and figuring out what to tip and so forth.

Hope you get it back and definitely don't go away with her again.

Darbs76 · 22/10/2022 08:28

If I went away with a friend close enough I’d holiday with I’d have no problem just using my card for everything. But then none of my friends would start disputing bills etc.

she would lose her job if this got out? Friend uses her card to pay for holiday spends and she pays her back when home (a month later only as the person didn’t send the costs until then). Really??

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