Family Fiancés

[minisnips]

Hi,
I’m looking for advice on how to manage our family finances!!
My other half is quite immature when it comes to money and feels like I am taking his money each month - he doesn’t understand that he is funding a house/family and it’s not a case of taking his money!
Anyways, currently I pay all my wages into our joint account and he pays over a certain amount. Whatever he has left over he then uses for spending each month and I use the joint account. There is approximately about £300 left over after bills but that’s for days out, pressies and everything like that!!
How do you all manage your family money - is it better to separate and do a set amount each a month, pool all together or just keep with him giving me x amount each month. I am fine with that option but he clearly isn’t!!
Why does money have to be such a sticking point, certainly is the one thing that we argue about on this house!!!

Does he understand what the household expenses are? Maybe make a list or a spreadsheet of a average monthly bills to gk through with him.

No he has no clue!! I have a spreadsheet and have tried to show him but he has zero interest!!!

See if he has zero interest when you don't buy what he likes....tell him finances are important and you'd like to discuss them.

The fact he doesn’t know about our finances (as much as he should) doesn’t bother me too much. I’m just trying to work out the best way to split the finances. I only work part time so earn less then him so doing a 50/50 split would not work
How do I get him to see that I am not taking all of his money, it’s going toward supporting his family - paying for his home and raising his kids!

You are currently unmarried and in a very vulnerable position financially.

No matter how much much you might see your contribution in raising his DC as valuable (and on every important level it is) in England it does not turn your assets/income into joint assets/income. Only marriage and/or legally binding documents specifying ownership do that.

When is the wedding? And are you sure you want to marry someone who is not communicating about finanaces (this one really is a biggie)

If still some time to go, or date not set, then you need to think about whether you have the levels of legal/financial protection for the level of security you are comfortable with. This might involve going back to work full time, to boost your income (both now and pension contributions).

currently I pay all my wages into our joint account and he pays over a certain amount
Here's where it's going wrong for starters. Why is your money shared but his isn't? Undoubtedly you're picking up the slack whilst he gets to spend his money on anything he likes. This reinforces his (selfish) idea that your house and family are just a drain on his finances.

If he doesn't want to pay in a fixed amount every month, what does he suggest? It might be as well to point out to him that if something ever happened to you, the burden of being the grown-up would fall on him and he would need to have at least some understanding of the family's finances. (Let's say you get rushed into hospital unexpectedly, for example). I wouldn't look for solutions, here - let him step up and suggest what he wants. And no, 50:50 would not be fair to you at all. The normal starting point based on previous threads on MN is to contribute to bills proportionately such that both partners end up with roughly the same amount of 'fun money' of their own each month. That means shared expenses needs to fund everything to do with the kids, not default to the mum paying for all of that out of her wages, but also needs to fund stuff like commuting costs which aren't part of 'fun money'.

We have always pooled all of our money - both of us - into the joint account. I used to work ft so I used to put the most in, now I work pt so he puts more in. But we both put everything in.

Our spreadsheet accounts for everything including presents, car repairs, boiler service, hair cuts, household repairs, clothes and a small amount for days out etc. It doesn't leave us with disposable for things like a random Costa or a trip to the pub but everything else is covered to some degree. DH understands this because he has full oversight and I show him how money is being spent and it helps that generally speaking we have money for the things we need. Only bills come out of our joint account and then all the other bits I mentioned get saved in a separate account each month until required. I this on a separate spreadsheet.

This doesn't really help you though when he isn't interested. If he won't take an interest then he will never be interested until he doesn't have it. Hopefully someone will come along with an idea as to how you can get him to sit and look at it with you. He does sound very immature with money and it'll only get worse as time goes on.

There is a big difference in our house between our 2 take home pays although I am the higher earner.

This is what we do although I appreciate each household will have their own way.
You need to add your 2 monthly take home pays together and then work out what percentage of the total you each earn. For the sake of argument he might earn 80% of total and you 20%.

Then add all your monthly expenses up and he pays 80% into a bills account and you 20%. Whatever is left is then up to you as a couple to decide what to do. We share the remaining balance as we are a couple although it doesn’t sound from your post as if your dp would be happy with that.

He certainly however needs to pull his socks up regarding his thoughts about you ‘taking” money from him. Does he think he can have a free ride in life?

Well he sounds pretty unimpressive if he is saying to you that you are taking all his money. Perhaps a reminder that you are not his mum is needed? Sounds like you are taking all of the mental load. What would happen if you went FT at work?

As a PP mentioned you will find people sort out finances many ways. We put the same amount in a joint account and all bills (including childcare) go from there as we earn roughly the same and we trust each other not to go crazy with spending and to move any leftovers at the end of the month to savings.

If we earned differently we may adjust the contribution so that we end up with the same £ amount of spending money, assuming that both of us are contributing to pension etc.

What happens if you need money for yourself. Nights out with friends, clothes, makeup, coffee ,travel? I had one like this. I got him to put the phone bill in his name to give him some responsibility (we got cut off). Do you have any shared financial goals you can work on together, Christmas, holiday etc? Is he in debt? Has he ever lived independently.

So he doesn’t ever use the joint account that’s basically mine.
If I want/need things then it comes from that, account. As I said there is roughly about £300 a month spare “fun money” in that and I use that for my money and then family days our etc etc. He funds his stuff out of what left of his wages.
I am happy with the way things are but he clearly isn’t so I was trying to work out another way to split the finances.
Working full time isn’t an option as we would have to use nursery so would be looking at another £400 a month in fees. Also if I worked full time I would still be doing everything in the house....!!
Someone asked when we get married - we don’t, neither of us are bothered about getting married.

Hey, we each have our own individual bank accounts, but then both pay a lump sum into a joint account which is used for mortgage, bills and grocery shopping etc. Sometimes, what we pay into our joint account does not cover everything we need so I tend to top this up (my take home pay is about £350 more a month than his). He had a pay cut a few years ago and used to pay more than me into the account so it has balanced out. We have an excel spreadsheet which highlights our ingoings and outgoings although we don't look at this or update it as regularly as we should. We do have credit card debt, and one of our cars and sofas are on finance so we do make payments towards this too. We have good credit ratings, but have chosen to live in a house with a huge mortgage and massive running costs. If we sold up and downsized things would be a lot easier, but we're happy the way we are for now xx

Why is he unhappy?

Do you have equal amounts for "fun" excluding spending on DC?

Do you contribute similar amounts to pension?

Do you have similar amounts in personal savings, or access to a shared savings account?

Why would you do everything at home even if you were FT?

What are his parents like when it comes to finances? Any particular things they model that he may have learnt as "normal" which aren't that helpful to the discussions you want to have?

Argh sorry for the laundry list of questions

How much does he have for personal spending and how much do you have? It sounds like you could have very little because a lot of the £300 spare probably goes on things for the family, not you personally.

The fair way is for both of you to have equal amounts for personal spends and for everything household or child related to come from the joint account.

Doesn't he see that for the money he puts into the joint account, he benefits from a roof over his head, food, etc, plus the same for his DCs? Who does he think should pay for these things if it's not him .

Excuse me folks, but why are a lot of you so trusting and only have joint accounts?

Why do think having a partner that leaves you with no warning after first emptying the joint account only happens to other people?

You should hope for the best but prepare for the worst! That means being involved in the family finances and not leaving it all to one person and where possible having your own bank account that only you have access to.