Just found out my husbands in debt

[user1495891300]

Hi all,
This is my first post and sorry about the user name but for some reason it won't let me change it.

I'll try and keep it short ish. I have just found out that my husband of 18 months has debts of about 15-18k. we have 2 children 4yo and 6m. I first discovered money issues when our son ripped open one of his letters which was a payday loan letter. After a couple of weeks he admitted to 6.5k debt (one loan). But only when I went through his mail (kept in a box in the kitchen) that I found it was actually 15-18k.

It's shattered my world. I am so good with money, I handle the joint account and everything even the mortgage is just in my name (thank god). He reckons he's gonna get his wages put into the joint account and put everything through there so that I can monitor this but can't do this until next months payday. To be honest I have no faith that he will do this.

Just wanted people's opinions really - what would you do? I just feel so lost

Why does he have so much debt?

What does he spend the money on?
Do you earn also?

He needs some specialist help - maybe start here

Tip of the ice berg op.

Take care with what you find. . .

He can't explain it- he said it started when I was on mat leave (yes I work part time too) with first child and it just spiralled. I've asked if it was gambling or anything but he said not and I think I believe him about that. He is just shockingly bad at managing money and let's it get out of control I guess. We have no nice thinks to show for it anyhow that's for sure! Everything we have is secondhand pretty much, which I don't mind as I'm sensible with money but I almost feel like if he'd spent it all on lovely stuff for the kids and the house then At least it justifies it but no!

The most worrying part is that he wasn't honest when you confronted him. I would really struggle to trust him.

If he has credit / debit cards, ask to see the statements for the last year or so.

Or, do you think he has frittered away the money in cash, with no paper trail?

@Graceflorrick that's exactly the bit I'm struggling with. I'm finding it so hard to be happy and cheerful in front of the kids when inside I'm hurting so much. Sorry if that sounds dramatic I know it's all so raw and people have dealt with worse but the lies are awful. I just can't see a way past this

You might want to check your credit rating just in case. I'd be looking under every rock I could think of right now.

I think you need to know whether he's been wildly irresponsible and frittered the money away, or whether he had the best intentions in wanting to provide for his family by doing things he really couldn't afford.

It is a shock either way, of course, but would make a difference to me to know how the money was spent.

He lied.

This may be a useful read about financial infidelity.

Financial infidelity is a major breach of trust. It can be a relationship ending situation. You are hurting inside because you trusted him and he has broken that trust.

He needs to recognise that he has a problem and needs to change. You both need to be on the same page when it comes to money. You are married, so you need to do things jointly - him putting his salary into your joint account is a good sign for that... if he actually does it.

You need to teach him how to handle money. You are good at managing money, he is not, so you should not take over, you have become one... you are together, so you need to manage money together. Do you do a monthly budget/cash flow? Does he take part in deciding what is spent in each category in that budget?

What did he spend it on? Everyday stuff? That must have been a few hundred spent per month averaged out so if it wasn't ostentatious stuff I can imagine not noticing it.

Yes every month I look at our income and outgoings and he's aware of all of it. I'm always the one who suggests saving though - for example last year I put money aside each month for Christmas and the children have savings that he can't access. I can imagine it has just been flittered away but it's the fact that he let me think everything is fine for all these years and outright lied to me. He even tried to buy a second car in January behind my back! But he must have got refused for finance but told me it was the finance company who refused to work with the garage so it fell through. That made me that that he must be ok for money but I could never understand why he never has any money!

Thanks for all your replies it's good to hear opinions from people who don't know us personally if that makes sense
Xx

@Earlybird I really can't see how he provided for the family unfortunately as apart from the money he puts into the joint account each month for bills, if I'm honest he hardly ever spends on the kids - clothes, outings etc. I buy their clothes, I take them places, little things but it all adds up. We went on holiday last year but with my parents who paid for a villa so cheap holiday for us.

He loves tech so wouldn't think twice about spending money on an Xbox or a flash camera etc. So I think maybe all these things went on credit cards too. Quite selfish really

It's just one lie after another with him isn't it?
I'd want to know where the money had gone.
That much money would have been a different lifestyle surely?I mean wouldn't you know if money was being frittered?
Do you have access to all money, if not you need to manage money until he is able. Yes you'll need to teach him, but trust has to be earned when you've lied so much.
my main concern would be how easily the lie about the garage rolled off his tongue and how much more he was hiding.

Just reading your last post, the only way I'd continue with this marriage would be him not having any money until it was paid off.
he has wasted family money, it isn't single when you are married and put your family in considerable debt.
Is there a chance he can work over time as well, or get a second job.
I'd specify no more credit cards for the entirety of the marriage, but I hate the things anyway.
Why can't people just live within their means.
Your dh has proven he can't be trusted with money, where you go from here is your call, but I know i'd find the deceit and selfishness too much to cope with.
He doesn't even provide for his family
LTB for you.

Op, I am in a similar situation to you, but without children. I posted a thread a few months ago about DH choosing bankruptcy and my concerns, but I can't remember my username.

My DH is in about 20k debt and this is after I took out a loan to pay of a significant proportion of his debt a year or so ago. I love him but I hate that he has done this to us. I can't understand how he accumulated so much debt and I am so angry and sad that he has put me in the position where I am getting into debt (for the first time apart from student loan) and I've had to halt any idea of having children because we can't afford it.

The lies and betrayal are so hard to cope with. I don't mean any offence, but I feel that I could cope better if he cheated on me. I guess then I would feel justification for leaving

Actually I think it's very similar. The script seems to go

Lie
Lie
Lie
Admit to the 1% you know about already

Lie
Lie
Blame other people
Lie
Lie
Minimise
Admit to 2%

Lie
Lie
Cry
Threaten suicide
Storm out

I've foumd my husband was in debt when I just gave a birth to our first child. We've been dading for two weeks only before I got pregnant and married in a month after that.
In ten month we had to sell our flat (it was his) and went to my parents. But we are still a couple (two years have passed) and I don't want to have another man.

Well my x landed in prison ☹️

I'd be shutting down joint accounts quickly and do not HAVE your money going into them.

His debt could be toxic to your financial security and if you have your money in joint accounts companies could clear your joint account because it has his name on it.

Anything of value needs to be in your name and he needs his own account. His wages get paid into your account and you transfer him spending money. When it's gone it's gone.

It's the only way I could see this surviving.
Personally, I'd get myself financially separated and leave because of that level of deceit. Physical infidelity I could probably get past if it was a one night stand. What he has done to you is years of deception that risks your family's security.

Personally, I'd get myself financially separated and leave because of that level of deceit.

Yep, this. Leave and let him deal with his own mess. Don't waste time going through the script that C0RAL mentions above, your own financial situation will be fucked by the time you get to the truth and you'll want to leave at that point anyway. Skip that nonsense.

Glad you agree dixie
I think it was an older thread on MN (or maybe a different forum I used to use) where a wife had her inheritance or a bonus put into the joint account (or maybe money from a family member) to pay for their wedding. It went in on the morning and the account had been emptied by the afternoon.
She couldn't get it back because there was some action against her fiance.

I remember feeling heartbroken reading it. She appealed it I think but was told that the action meant any assets could be taken from anything with his name on it.

Thanks again for all your replies. I'm trying to get my head around what to do as the deceit is killing me. Leaving def seems like the hardest option but I think I may have to as not sure I can live with this and cannot be sure I will ever trust him again